To feel really uncomfortable that visiting uncle is the only

[minifingerz]

... member of my elderly mum's extended family who doesn't know he's adopted?

EVERYONE else knows - all my family, both my aunts' families. My mum's sisters live in the same country as my uncle. Years ago they made decision to keep this from him, and my mum had a falling out not long before my younger aunt died when my mum suggested that he should be told. My mum won't tell him now because she says it's not up to her. I think she's scared of falling out with her last remaining sister.

He's in his 60's now. He was adopted as a newborn when my mum and her sisters were teenagers.

I just feel so uncomfortable about the fact that his adoption is being kept from him while all of the rest of us know. It just seems so wrong.

If you're fifty do you consider you'lol be elderly in ten years ? 😉

I do agree your Mum and her sisters should have kept the secret and not gossiped to other family members if they didn't want him to know.

Sometimes things just don't get talked about as they are just considered 'normal' and just doesn't register that it's different.

For example, my mum always refers to certain family members as uncles, in actual fact they are cousins bought up by my GGP. But it's been so long she almost forgets they are technically cousins rather than uncles.

Could it be that he knows, but just 'forgets' as it is just so normal to him and so there is no need to talk about it at any point?

"If he lives in this country, like others have said, he would probably at some point needed to produce his Adoption certificate"

He was adopted at 6 weeks and emigrated as a baby. This was back in the 50's.

"I know you think you're being considerate, but you're actually thinking about yourself, not him. YOU feel uncomfortable and think it's unfair. YOU hate family secrets. What about him? If you tell him, you get to feel better for a while. He, on the other hand, gets to find out 60 years of his life has been a lie"

I'm not planning on telling him!

Do you think that it's the right thing to do - to hold secret a piece of information which might be of HUGE importance to someone?

Either way it's terrible - to be in possession of knowledge about him which he's not aware, or to tell him (which I'm not intending to do).

It's all so wrong.

Why didn't my mum and her sister sleepyhead to themselves?

"sleepyhead" = keep this information to themselves!

If he lives in this country, like others have said, he would probably at some point needed to produce his Adoption certificate, and they do clearly state adoption as they have DOB and date of Adoption on them

im 40 and adopted lived in the UK all my life and never been asked for my adoption certificate, my birth certificate with my adopted parents details have always been accepted

My family are a bit like this. I know things about my aunt and uncle's marriage that my cousin's don't know. I know things about my grandma I shouldn't know. Families are full of secrets and lies, especially when you go back a couple of generations to a time when having a child outside of marriage was taboo. I've come to the conclusion that the wisest thing to do is to be a trusted repository of everyone's secrets and to deal with that knowledge in private myself. You can't 'fix' things to make them lovely and open and transparent - it's not your burden, your job, or your place.

Interestingly, when GFIL died, PIL gathered the family together and announced with dreadful solemnity that he wasn't the son of his 'mother' but of his aunt, who had got pregnant in her teens. No-one of our generation cared in the slightest, but for them it was this huge taboo and slightly shameful family secret. I think attitudes to this change with time and there is every chance that the family culture will mend itself as history goes on.

Cousins argh rogue apostrophe!

My uncle married abroad. His sister in law is adopted so my aunts sister. She doesn't know as in my uncles sister in law doesn't know she's adopted. She must be late 40s now! However we know as my aunt told my mum and my mum told me. It's strange.

I am thinking that the reason for his adoption may be quite complicated. For example he may be your cousin or half brother and his secret is also someone else's secret too.

I can understand why you feel uncomfortable but I do think you just need to bear with the situation.

"For example he may be your cousin or half brother and his secret is also someone else's secret too"

Well now you say that, my mum and her sisters were aged between 18 and 21 when he was adopted.

I think he must know, not talking but it is a man thing. My brother and I are both adopted from different families. He was 2 when I arrived 50 years ago. In that whole time we have NEVER spoken about it. Same with our adoptive dad, it was not something we ever spoke about

*about it

I think he's your half brother!

He probably does know but thinks the rest of you don't. Maybe he's on dadsnet saying "I'm adopted but my family don't know".

Call Jezza Kyle and get it all out in the open :)

My dad was adopted - he's not long turned 60. His birth certificate looks 'normal', just like anyone elses would look but has his adopted fathers name on it rather than his biological dads name. He was adopted around the age of 5 I believe. He didn't find out until he was roughly 40yrs old - due to a mental health worker asking how he felt about his adoptive father!!!!! (needless to say my dads mental health quickly deteriorated for a long time after that incident).

"I think he's your half brother! "

That thought did go through my mind.

My mum was seriously hot as a teen, and quite naughty...

If you're fifty do you consider you'lol be elderly in ten years ?

*trafalgargal" Read the OP's posts again a bit more carefully. I can't see anywhere that she has referred to her uncle as elderly. She does refer to her mum as elderly, but given her mum is at least 18 years older than this man in his 60s that is probably a fair enough description.

Why not talk to your mum about it?

It sounds like a possibility, but in all seriousness I think if he was your mother's child then she would have told you if she wanted it out in the open... or maybe not her secret, perhaps your aunt's.

Why don't you ask your Mum straight out if he is your brother! That might put the cat among the pigeons. Better still say that you and all your cousins had always assumed that her or one of her sisters was his Mum else why else all the secrecy?

On a serious point, as you said it is still feasible his birth mother is alive. If he ever does find out he is adopted how awful for him if it has been kept from him long enough that he never gets to meet her.

Surely adoption certs are discrete? Must be the same as a birth?

My dd is a surrogate and has a new certificate that's identical to her original, except it's got my name
Not her birth mothers. No one would know

Mind your own business and leave him in peace. It's not your place to decide and you could cause a lot of trouble.

Honestly, this with bells on!

If you hunted on ancestry sites you might be able to find evidence to link to his original birth certificate. I found a relative's original parents that way.

I'd bet one of your Mum's sisters is actually his mother and that's why they've appeared to have the casting vote over your mum. So it wouldn't just be his life that was changed on the news it'd be the family of his mother.

In my family it was the death of the sister/mother that lead to the secret coming out the bag and that was even worse because the child couldn't even ask questions of any of those who made the decision.

Been thinking all the way through this thread he's either your brother or your cousin. It was very common. A family member's wife found out that the beloved auntie she had sought comfort from as a youngster when she felt she didn't fit in with her family was actually her mother! Sadly the family all kept the secret from her until the 'auntie' died because they still felt it was shameful. :(

Is your uncle particularly close to one of your aunts (or your Mum) in particular? Did any of them take him in when your DGM died? They could be his birth Mum and in which case it's her place to tell him. If she hasn't then she has her reasons, as sad as it may seem.