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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give this advice about Dsis' MIL?

55 replies

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname · 01/09/2016 10:10

Dsis and her bf have been together a few years, they live together in his house, which is very close (as in, a few doors away) from his parents.

His parents are nice and she and them get on well but she's having a big issue with his DM.

Basically, she has no boundaries and he is a bit of a man child. He's nice enough but just very very used to having someone else (mostly DM) do things for him. He is an only child and DM works part time so is free to constantly come round and tidy, buy shopping for them, do the dishes etc etc.

When talking about it, as most people would I said "that sounds great! Like having a free cleaner who brings you free shopping!" But she says it is really getting her down as she doesn't feel like it is her home and I totally get that. MIL just sees it as an extension of her own house and swans in whenever she feels like it, no calls, no knocking, just in the door despite what my Dsis might be up to. She also is desperate to be independant of his DM because she moved our of our parents' house to be with her bf and she still feels like she is living at home in a way because his DM won't stop interfering.

I suggested that maybe she push things a bit to maybe try and stop MIL from crossing the boundaries - stuff like ask her to pop round and clean the toilet while she's at work or take a load of washing round to her house for her to do while Dsis is out, in the hope that maybe she might get a bit fed up and stop of her own accord. Aibu?

MIL is a nice lady, but has so far not responded to repeated requests to stop, from both her son and Dsis so is this tactic BU or a necessary step towards freedom?

OP posts:

MrsLion · 01/09/2016 19:30

Major red flag.
My Mil was like this. Unfortunately it's not actually about the cleaning, giving lifts, doing the odd bit of shopping or any other act of 'helping'.
This is about her wanting control, dressed up as helping.
The fact she has been asked to back off but is choosing to ignore them both is a huge warning sign that she believes she can still run her sons life.

Changing the locks won't work. Neither will getting her to do shit stuff like toilet cleaning.

They need to say that they are a family now and they want to run their household themselves. They appreciate her help, but would like her to help only when asked.

If she continues, then it needs to be addressed at the time- immediately and firmly.

I.e. If she brings shopping round you politely say
'Thank you for the offer but as discussed we are happy to do our own shopping and have everything we need.' And then give it back to her.

'You know we love seeing you. But now is not a good time for visiting. The cleaning is under control so we don't need help.'

They need to politely reject and offer of 'help' every time by saying 'we have got this sorted'.

MrsLion · 01/09/2016 19:32

And yes, if her DH doesn't want to be independent and wants to continue letting his DM baby him, then she should leave him.

It's just

Batteriesallgone · 01/09/2016 19:40

Yes it's control.

Also - he already has kids - what caused the breakdown of that relationship? MIL?

He is so attached to his mummy she is practically in the bedroom with them. Your sister must be practising some serious cognitive dissonance if she thinks she can seperate out the 'good bits' of him.

He is not a whole person if he is that dependant on his mum. Why would she waste her time being in a relationship with half a man?

zebrawithsunglasses · 01/09/2016 19:54

I think YABU to suggest trying to push MIL away by asking her to do more. If she complies then your sis might feel indebted to her.

YANBU in trying to help find a solution to this problem though. If DSIS doesn't want to talk to MIL and her OH won't deal with it, could she write her a letter with some chocs or something, as a 'thanks for all your work so far, but here's why I'd rather you leave us to our own devices a bit more'.

redshoeblueshoe · 01/09/2016 20:06

I agree with batteries - I bet that's why his first DW left him.

MrsLion · 01/09/2016 20:20

So do I redshoe

Original poster

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname · 02/09/2016 08:38

I'm not sure if the first relationship was anything to do with his DM but I know the second definitely wasn't!

They won't move because it's too much hassle, looking for a place where Dsis can get to work (she doesn't drive), selling the house, buying a new one, moving, etc etc, it's just too much hassle especially when they don't have to.

There is some good advice on here though, I will pass it on!

OP posts:

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/09/2016 08:52

This house is nothing to do with your dsis
She doesn't own it. If in 10, 20, or 30 years time if the relationship breaks down then your dsis will be kicked out with nothing.

I actually think your dsis needs to grow a pair. Stop making excuses. Stop being lazy. Learn to drive, look for a new home together and put some distance between herself and the bfs mother.

Mouikey · 02/09/2016 08:59

I don't understand why people can't just sit down and have an adult conversation about it? Clearly (for whatever motivation) the MiL thinks she is being helpful, maybe it is a backward form of control but she will always revert to the 'but I'm only trying to help you out'. They need to sit down with her and firmly explain what impact it's having on their lives/relationship. They should do it on neutral ground and in a non confrontational way. Obviously it's lovely that she does all this stuff but it's time
She lets her son grow up (and he will have to step up to do stuff too!)

ptumbi · 02/09/2016 09:43

Isn't this the other side of the thread the other day (that got deleted) where the OP was ILL (!) and still doing stuff for her 27yo dd, including her washing and cleaning of a rent-free house that dd and bf lived in (oh and mowing 2 acres and cleaning her own 5-bed detached and taking her dp of 34 years breakfast in bed, even though he 'won't marry her' even after 34 years..) the sheer martyrdom of that thread defeated me.

This sounds like the other side - watch it, OP, otherwise your sis will be on the other end of the martyr. (Who only wanted dd to phone in her lunch hour, do a bit of shopping for her, make her tea when she visits, in return for living in a rent free house ... the manipulation made me sick just reading it)

Batteriesallgone · 02/09/2016 11:45

Wait he's got kids with two previous women?

How many red flags does she need?

Original poster

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname · 02/09/2016 12:13

Having dcs from a previous relationship isn't necessarily a red flag batteries, lots of people have

OP posts:

redshoeblueshoe · 02/09/2016 12:15

Batteries - maybe she needs the bunting to go all round the garden

redshoeblueshoe · 02/09/2016 12:17

The only person who can stop this is the BF, and it doesn't sound like he wants to.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/09/2016 12:25

Oh I couldn't be doing with this - not if she's been asked to stop and hasn't.

My DH is a bit like this, or was when we first moved over here - after a couple of weeks of his mother (who is also very nice, kind, helpful and I do like her) turning up literally every fucking day, I had to ask him if this was going to be the case forever, because I couldn't stand it.
He didn't seem to have a problem with it but OMG I did!!

So we managed to cut her down to 2-3 times a week max; and it tailed off over time. She's still over helpful when she comes over, but after a couple of "issues" where she strongly overstepped boundaries and I had a bit of a fit about it, we seem to be on a pretty good level now.

But if she hadn't backed off when asked, or just came and did stuff for DH whenever she could, we'd be in a MUCH worse place now.

alltouchedout · 02/09/2016 12:31

I'd say to my dp that he had to get his dm to stop coming in to our home whenever she felt like it and to understand that she was not to come round and clean etc. And if he didn't manage that I'd rethink the relationship.

Batteriesallgone · 02/09/2016 12:33

Umm having DCs from two relationships and having your mum so involved in your life is the issue.

Obviously having DCs from a previous relationship where you were both stable independent adults but the relationship didn't work out is not a red flag. This is about as far as you can get from that though isn't it?

Tiggeryoubastard · 02/09/2016 12:40

It sounds like he's happy with the status quo, despite what he says to your sister. So if your sister doesn't like it she need to find her own place to live, she can set the rules there.
And yes, I agree, two failed relationships with children from both does ring alarm bells. If they did settle and have children that'd be children with three people. I know on mumsnet that's all very good, but in the real world it's worrying. It doesn't make someone a bad person but it does bring their judgement into question.

DavidPuddy · 02/09/2016 12:43

The boyfriend is happy with the set-up and the mother is happy with the set-up, so your sister is a little unreasonable wanting to change their dynamic. I think this is not the relationship for her or for him.

Whether the boyfriend finds any self-respecting woman who would be happy with such a set-up is a different matter.

pluck · 02/09/2016 13:22

Your DSis must not, under any circumstances, get pregnant. Right now is the most leverage she's ever going to have, and yet no-one's listening to her. With a baby that her DP will fob off on his mother, without a driver's license... she will be so stuck. It may even get worse.

Batteriesallgone · 02/09/2016 13:30

Surely they won't get pregnant if moving house is too much hassle! Babies are perma-hassle! Unless MIL has them most of the time I guess...

TooDamnNosyy · 02/09/2016 13:30

Have loud sex when she is around?

HAHA ^^ this!!! but by the sounds of she would be waiting courteously till had finished!

Such an awkward situation! Hope she finds resolve!

RortyCrankle · 02/09/2016 19:40

Huge red flags.

I think you have to somehow get your sister to understand that this will never change, because her boyfriend doesn't want it to stop. Why should he? His mother does everything for him. Moving from marriage number one to number two and then to your sister has caused him no effort at all. He's got his free house, mummy does everything for him regardless and when your sister's relationship with him ends it will be easy to move in the next woman with mummy as his permanent carer.

When his mother dies, he will be up shit creek without a paddle but hopefully your Dsis will have moved on to a relationship with an adult by then.

Original poster

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname · 02/09/2016 22:21

He wasn't married to anyone before, just saying.

Totally agree about him being up shit creek when his DM goes though

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 02/09/2016 22:33

I think the issue is that her MIL sees it as her son's house. It was there before your sister came along and she doesn't see it as their home.

It's very rude to just open the door like that though. Can your sisters DP, not ask his mum to call before she pops over and to ring the bell, rather than use the key?

If not a couple of bolts should be fitted on the inside of the door.

Your suggested about cleaning the toilets could seem rather cheeky TBH..

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