Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my baby to sleep?

50 replies

BrightOranges · 31/08/2016 22:54

OK I know this has been done to death but please, please, please! Why won't my baby sleep?!

I'm going mad with my own lack of sleep. I don't mean that flippantly. Single parent of two with no support. Always felt quite strong and in control but this is really getting to me.

I can't and won't do controlled crying. My back is killing me from keep leaning over the cot and trying to soothe. That doesn't always work either. Then when asleep, great! I edge out of the room but as soon as I leave "wahhhhhhhhhhhh" how does my baby know?!

15 months old and never sleeps more than two hours. But how when we went away and was in a travel cot slept through for the first (and last!) time ever 9pm-6am. I kept waking up alarmed listening for breathing.

Why doesn't my baby, well, sleep like a baby? And who are these babies that do? Not mine that's for sure!!

I feel like I can't cope and I don't like it. I'm so so tired every day all day. I also work. I'm becoming stressed and quickly irritated. I feel my body burning up all over during the night when baby wakes up crying. I know that doesn't help and they can sense it.

AIBU to want for us both to sleep?

OP posts:
TallulahTheTiger · 31/08/2016 22:58

I am with you- but never get to the stage of leaving room- I lay DC down and its WwwwaaaaaHHHH! No sleep unless on me!!

user1471459859 · 31/08/2016 22:58

Could you try a travel cot at home? I so empathise after having two terrible sleepers...

JaniceBattersby · 31/08/2016 23:02

I have had three non-sleepers. I just put them in bed with me. The thought of getting up eleventy million times and walking into another room and shushing over a cot is fucking hideous.

My 19-month -old wakes up every three hours or so just to check I'm there. One verse of five little ducks and he's back out like a light. I don't event have to open my eyes.

Hastalapasta · 31/08/2016 23:05

I feel for you. I have not more than a few nights of full, proper sleep in 7 years. There is light at the end of the tunnel, mine seem to start sleeping better around age 3.
Only practical advice I can offer is to try and get someone to look after the children whilst you have a nap.....

Hastalapasta · 31/08/2016 23:06

*not had. Apologies, not sure what happened there.

Yorkieheaven · 31/08/2016 23:08

sorry op why won't you try controlled crying? That saved my sanity and worked magic for us after night 2.

It was that or literally we were all going under.

Do your research. It's not unkind it's a life saver. My toddler was so much happier sleeping well and for us it was literally paradise.

Did it with dc 1 and then mildly with dc2/3/4 as had the techniques applied earlier.

Trust me they are all fine adults now.

Lack of sleep is killing and puts you and your baby at far more risk than CC so do you drive tired? Think about it.

SusanAndBinkyRideForth · 31/08/2016 23:09

Mine don't sleep until about age 3 as well and I'm on dc3 now - who has only just let me leave him for long enough to clean my teeth just now! Shattered.
We bedshare, and I nap when other people and children allow. They also watch TV for an hour or so, or a DVD most afternoons so I can at least rest or doze on the sofa.

Dd1 was the worst - slept in 45minute chunks until 1yo - when it went to 2 hour chunks.

Kitchenaide · 31/08/2016 23:10

Try cosleeping?

Ham69 · 31/08/2016 23:14

Both mine were rubbish sleepers up until 3. From around 3 onwards, they slept through and didn't bother me at all unless they weren't well. It's tough now but will get easier. I've almost forgotten those torturous nights now 💐

GiddyOnZackHunt · 31/08/2016 23:22

Apart from the travel cot, what was different?

Googlebabe · 31/08/2016 23:22

Put that baby in your bed and save yourself the back pain at least! You may get good results with the sleep too ;) .

Original poster
BrightOranges · 31/08/2016 23:27

We do co sleep too. I thought that was part of the problem. I also bf and I still get woken every half hour or longer for suckling. My oldest didn't sleep through for 5 years and then had problems for another 2. I couldn't bear the thought of going through that again so decided to try using the cot.

It was even worse prior to this. Had to sleep on me until I went to bed.

Nice thought to have someone help. I have no support whatsoever. I never get a break or time out. I'm not after sympathy or violins.

I may have to result to controlled crying but I can't stand the sound of crying and distress. I find it too upsetting and do worry about the affect on the baby. Besides it would wake my oldest and disturb their sleep. Plus it never worked with my first - would cry to screaming rage to vomiting everywhere. Without fail every time. So that didn't last long hence not sleeping through for 5 years.

Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
BrightOranges · 31/08/2016 23:30

I now use the cot until I go to bed and then the next wake up, in with me because I just can't keep going back and forth. Not with another child to care for the next day too. And work of course.

OP posts:
Yorkieheaven · 31/08/2016 23:33

It's bloody tough op. I guess whatever you can do to get you through including co sleeping.

Sorry cc didn't work for you. I know this seems like it will last for ever but honestly it won't xx

Original poster
BrightOranges · 31/08/2016 23:34

There are a couple of differences from the travel cot.
We live in a noisy, bright, lively town (think I need black out curtains but not sure I could stand the lack of air flow as such a hot bedroom).
When we went away, it was very rural with no noise at all. In fact, deadly quiet and pitch black room.

Yes I can do something about the darkness of the room but not about the noise.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 31/08/2016 23:35

Have a look at the baby whisperer's web site. She does sleep training but it's not cc/CIO. You stay with the child and comfort them. Might be worth a look.

Absofrigginlootly · 31/08/2016 23:37

If you are cosleeping and breastfeeding still I would highly recommend the Dr Jay Gordon technique.

Worked a treat with my anxious DD who likes to know ok right there. It did involve crying but it is much more gentle than CC as you never leave their side.

Good luck

Original poster
BrightOranges · 31/08/2016 23:37

No I know it won't last forever. This is what got me sanely through it the first time round. But that took 5 years and even then it wasn't plain sailing for another couple of years.

The thought of doing that again is pushing me to breaking point. I've aged more in the last year than in my entire life.

Thank you everyone for offering advice. It is appreciated.

OP posts:
Absofrigginlootly · 31/08/2016 23:38

drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 31/08/2016 23:38

I would try the travel cot in your room. Maybe you are waking the baby up, rather than the other way round?

My point is, you have to try something different, whether that's a different sleeping space, cc, gradual withdrawal, or weaning. You can't just keep going on hoping that things will fix themselves. My DS was a terrible sleeper until he walked at 18 months, but he still went longer than 2 hours. I would not have survived for 18 months with no evenings.

MyCatIsSparticus · 31/08/2016 23:42

What about loud white noise played through the night combined with black out blind?

Also were you drinking as on her holiday? Is it possible he did actually wake and you didn't notice?

Blowninonabreeze · 31/08/2016 23:51

Get black out blinds and get a fan. It will circulate the air and mask external noise.

Fingers crossed for you, sleep depravation is horrendous. I've got the t-shirt!

GiddyOnZackHunt · 31/08/2016 23:57

Yes blackout blind and white noise might help.
And in a travel cot. You might be disturbing each other. If they had been horrified and restless in a travel cot then it would be mean to stop co sleeping but that didn't happen.

Original poster
BrightOranges · 01/09/2016 00:05

Hahaha love the image of me passed out on the bed inebriated from a night of drinking.

No. Sorry to ruin your theory.

Slept through the first night. Subsequent nights woke once or twice but just needed a "shush shush shush" and/or a gentle rub on the back.

First night home, back to normal.

Oh yes, I'm definitely part of the reason for waking. She can hear and smell me - that milk's a calling! For sure. But like I say, we live in a loud and vibrant town in a noisy neighbourhood I'm afraid.

OP posts:
Claireshh · 01/09/2016 00:16

There is a book called The No Cry Sleep Solution. My first was like yours. It nearly tipped me over the edge! I did try Controlled crying but it was an utter disaster. My daughter ended up vomiting in distress. Looking back I'm not surprised she was so upset as up until then I'd rocked or fed her to sleep!

The book was recommended to me. It has lots of suggestions but I'll summarise below which one we did.

Basically you are going to teach your baby to self settle. At the moment they need you to get back to sleep.

When putting your baby down feed them as normal and then pop her/him into the cot. They will probably go 'wah wah wah'. Don't say anything. If possible just lie down/sit in the room. After some time there will be a break in the crying. As soon as this happens say 'ssshhhh sssshhh shhhh sleepy time'. Nothing else. Obviously you can pick your own phrase it doesn't need to be those exact words. The baby will cry again. As soon as they stop say the phrase again. Repeat, repeat, repeat. You'll find that the gaps between crying stretch out until the baby is fully asleep. When they wake during the night do exactly the same thing. No lifting up. No touching. Just the same reassuring words every time they stop crying. It took two weeks of doing this with my fourteen month old until she started settling easily. Within another week she wasn't waking at all during the night. From then on she was a brilliant brilliant sleeper.

It's not a quick fix when compared with the three days people say for cry it out. However, I had been awake every 1.5 - 2 hours during the night from my baby being six months old until 14/15 months. Doing something that took a little time to fix it didn't bother me. Once you start noticing that the crying is getting less frequent and your baby is self settling quicker it feels amazing.

The other thing I did that the book recommended was have one special teddy in the cot. This is referred to in the book as a 'lovey' with the idea being that the baby gets attached to it and it helps them to fall asleep.