To think there has got to be an easier way to get older children to sleep?

[ThisIsNotARealAvo]

We have 2 children aged 7 and nearly 9. We adopted them 18 months ago. Bedtime takes absolutely ages. Both children need an adult with them until they fall asleep, which sometimes means I am doing bedtime from 7 until 9 or later. I work as a teacher and get really tired, making me snappy around these endless bedtimes, and also would like to spend my evenings on other tasks sometimes. It makes it very difficult for one of us to go out (although we are lucky to have PIL to babysit sometimes so we can both go out).

It's driving me crazy, I just dread bedtime as I know I'm going to be sitting there for so long. My younger child usually gets to sleep quite quickly but my older child not for 45 mins to an hour.

DH and I have tried various ways of taking turns, doing one night each or one child each, and the routine is precitable - bath, teeth, one story, a couple of songs of Spotify and lights out. This is a routine we have honed over the last 18 months. We have also tried lights- night lights, lights on, off, music, no music, but my son still takes ages to go to sleep. I've tried back rubs, meditation type stuff, and every lavender product out there.

I fee for him as I know he's anxious, and to be fair their behaviour at bedtime is usually very good. I just want my evenings back.

IABU aren't I? I will just have to put up with it until they grow out of it! I just long to kiss them good night and go downstairs.

Good luck OP, hope things improve soon. I can recommend the Derian Dreams bedtime story collection (proceeds to charity) it works well with mine. Rather than sitting in there, could you gently potter in and out? Put washing away / tidy up?

When looking after my anxious niece, I would leave the room for 5 minutes, just going into the room next door, and tell her I would be back in 5 minutes. I would time it and go back in 5 minutes, no matter what. I would tuck her back in, talk to her for a minute and make sure she was ok and do the same again. As long as I always went back in 5 minutes later, she trusted me and relaxed enough to fall asleep. You can never forget to go in or leave it too long or they stop trusting you and it doesn't work. I extended it to 10 minutes once she was used to it and it only took a few nights before she was able to settle herself.

Maybe try this or a version of this that suits you.

I have no experience of adoption myself, and of course it may not be the reason they don't settle at night, but I wonder if you have tried posting on the adoption board? Posters there may have similar experiences that they could share with you and offer you specific advice.

Norm you can get melatonin prescribed by the NHS my son has had it prescribed by his paediatrician he is autistic and sometimes struggles with sleep it didnt actually work with him however ,op i feel your pain my six yr old needs settling every night he has asd and learning disabillities and school holidays have really cocked up his sleep pattern

I agree about the making noise trick. It's the same with my boy, he's nearly 9 and still struggles to go to sleep by himself. If he'll let me leave his room, he will specifically asked me to make noise so he knows I'm around.

You have all my sympathy - it's a very difficult situation.

It sounds exhausting. As well as the sensible advice about trying a slightly later bedtime, getting melatonin, etc., I wondered if it was possible for you to do your lesson prep with the kids there? I have studied in my kid's bedroom when she was sick and didn't want to be alone. I don't know if they share a bedroom (could sharing help if they don't?) but could you put a small desk in their room and just work in there while they settle? It must be very draining but if you can somehow reinvent this time as time when you are near them so they get the reassurance but you can still crack on with your marking and lesson prep then it could become a win-win.
They won't still need you like this when they are teens and adults but the very fact that you are meeting their deep psychological needs for reassurance now is better for all of you in the long run. Also, though they are a little older than most children when their parents go through bedtime woes, be assured that your experience is for so so so many parents just part and parcel of parenting! Workplaces are full of shattered parents doing their time with gruelling bedtime routines. Pay the smug ones who got lucky no heed. I have a young teen who still wants to be tucked in by both parents. We roll with it because we know this is time limited and one day we will look back with nostalgia at the times when their dependence on us nearly tipped us over the edge. I know this because one of my children has left home and is leading a happy independent life and I can feel nostalgic about a lot of times that I would have sold my soul to the devil to get out of at the time.

Ps yes, we are mindful not to plunge the house into silence after lights out too.