SIL has no right to be mad at me

[Exo]

Name changed for this

Bank holiday Monday DH, DCs and I went to South End for a family barbecue, his whole family lives there, so it was a bit of a reunion for us.

We were suppose to leave at 7pm but they had a trip to the beach and adventure Island planned for the next day and they (MIL & SIL) wanted us to go with them.

We have two DCs, DD, 11 and DS 7. DH had to go back to work on Tuesday and DS is autistic and would struggle so I was against staying but they convinced me that it would be a fun family activity and I knew DD would really enjoy it, so I agreed.

We get there bright and early to see MIL, SIL, BIL and 2 other adults with about 20 children, most of them 11 and under.

I was so surprised as I didn't realise it was a big thing and said straight away, how sorry I was that I wouldn't be able to help as I'd have my hands full with DCs.

I was given lots of head nods and yes that's fine.

We get inside adventure island and the mayhem begins, DD runs off with instructions to come back every hour as she doesn't have a phone and I find a table to sit on with DS, handed him some ear defenders, sun glasses and a few toys and left him to it.

Everyone else has split the DCs and are going on various rides, after about 2 hours SIL comes back to the table, with about 4 kids, 8 and under, she's clearly knackered and expecting me to swap with her, DS doesn't handle new people very well, so I can't just leave him with her and take the DCs on the rides, so I try and get DS to come along but he's adamant that he's fine sitting where he is and playing with his toys.

So I tell SIL, really sorry, I wish I could help a bit more but I really can't. She gave me such a look and then every time I saw her she huffed and went on about everyone pulling their weight.

I didn't even want to go and I gave them all fair warning that I wouldn't be much help at the start of the day, so I don't even see why she was getting annoyed at me.

Quintessential, DH was at work and DD went off with her older cousin, who's 13, no one supervised either of them, they just came back every hour.

Lweji, We see DH's family once maybe twice a year, SIL has only been SIL for a year and a half, she's met DS perhaps 4 times, he didn't go to the wedding as we knew it'd be too much, she's knows he's Autistic and struggles but she's never seen him have an absolute meltdown.

Brucie, that's exactly my life, which child should we put first today. I think I'm very lucky that we have such a big age gap, so DD can do a lot of things independently or understands why their are certain things we can't do and certain places we just can't go to.

Yes my DD is nearly 10 now so things are better in one way, though worse in another. We have a small age gap, so when they were little there were more things they both enjoyed, e.g. soft play, playgrounds, swimming etc.

Now they are both older, but she wants to do these things less whereas DS (who is 8) wants to do them just as much as ever. And she is now conscious of the funny looks (mostly adults of course!) when he makes his noises, stims or wants to go on things that look too 'young' for him.

She is great though and copes - like all of us, because she has to. So I TOTALLY get you staying that extra night and the struggle being worth it because she had a ball. There are so many other times where she (and my DD) would have missed out, so it feels great when you can give that to them. There are lots of us out here and we are with you!

YADNBU I really don't get how your SIL thought she would cope with even 4 under 8s in an amusement ride park. I have 3 dc and taken them to amusement parks was/is a nightmare as you so often need one adult per child or at most two. I had to leave one child waiting while I went on the ride with the others then swap. It is easier now they are older as I am happier to leave them waiting and now 2 of them can go on most rides on their own.

Well done on keeping your ds going for six hours.

Seems many people who have no direct experience of asd (and other sn's ) often jump in boots and all to criticise OPs parenting on MN. Why this reluctance to accept what the Posters say are their DC's tolerance levels?
TBH I'd be offended if the presumption was that I was at fault for not "making" my SN child do something, that the child's behaviour is a direct result of my indulging him/her or lack of discipline.
Maybe there should be more trust in another parent's judgment regarding their child

I think regardless of your sons needs your sil was unreasonable. If you want an adult to help supervise a group of children in an outing, you ask them specifically, not just try to railroad them into it and get huffy when it doesn't work.