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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL has no right to be mad at me

56 replies

Exo · 31/08/2016 13:46

Name changed for this

Bank holiday Monday DH, DCs and I went to South End for a family barbecue, his whole family lives there, so it was a bit of a reunion for us.

We were suppose to leave at 7pm but they had a trip to the beach and adventure Island planned for the next day and they (MIL & SIL) wanted us to go with them.

We have two DCs, DD, 11 and DS 7. DH had to go back to work on Tuesday and DS is autistic and would struggle so I was against staying but they convinced me that it would be a fun family activity and I knew DD would really enjoy it, so I agreed.

We get there bright and early to see MIL, SIL, BIL and 2 other adults with about 20 children, most of them 11 and under.

I was so surprised as I didn't realise it was a big thing and said straight away, how sorry I was that I wouldn't be able to help as I'd have my hands full with DCs.

I was given lots of head nods and yes that's fine.

We get inside adventure island and the mayhem begins, DD runs off with instructions to come back every hour as she doesn't have a phone and I find a table to sit on with DS, handed him some ear defenders, sun glasses and a few toys and left him to it.

Everyone else has split the DCs and are going on various rides, after about 2 hours SIL comes back to the table, with about 4 kids, 8 and under, she's clearly knackered and expecting me to swap with her, DS doesn't handle new people very well, so I can't just leave him with her and take the DCs on the rides, so I try and get DS to come along but he's adamant that he's fine sitting where he is and playing with his toys.

So I tell SIL, really sorry, I wish I could help a bit more but I really can't. She gave me such a look and then every time I saw her she huffed and went on about everyone pulling their weight.

I didn't even want to go and I gave them all fair warning that I wouldn't be much help at the start of the day, so I don't even see why she was getting annoyed at me.

OP posts:

pauldacreshairlessnutsack · 31/08/2016 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2016 14:45

Definitely not unreasonable. My FIL is on the spectrum but not diagnosed and lives alone so not severe. He's occasionally ended up in a mess and I've helped to sort out. He was a bugger to persuade to agree to my righting the issues. It took 2 hours once. You don't have 2 hours to persuade your ds even if he didn't melt down. Life is too short. And doing what I did out of care for my FIL would be abuse to a child.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2016 14:49

And before anyone asks what I meant in my last statement. I just sat and talked with FIL until he finally agreed. It was exhausting.

Original poster

Exo · 31/08/2016 14:50

Yeah it seems pretty obvious now that they were most likely counting on me as an extra child minder which is why the tried so hard to get me to go but if they'd just asked I would have said no and they could have tried to find someone else.

I would much rather have gone on the rides, I love adventure parks, but instead I spent about 6 hours playing with toy trucks and play doh and trying to convince an unwilling child to stick it out for just one more hour, as no one was ready to go at the allotted time and then I had a 2 hour drive back home.

The only one that really enjoyed themselves was DD, so it was worth the hassle but I could have done without SIL trying to make me feel bad.

OP posts:

AnotherTimeMaybe · 31/08/2016 14:51

mummy ha! I was about to ask!! Anyway I do that to my asd boy, don't think it's abuse

pictish · 31/08/2016 14:56

OP yanbu at all.
I agree with Pidjin - all you haughty mares with your "you didn't try very hard"...pipe down. What would you know?

Also agree with Olenna - if you turn up to something you've talked me into attending, with a horde of kids in tow, they're yours to entertain. Fuck that.

YouTheCat · 31/08/2016 14:57

Your sil is a twat.

I'd never go anywhere with the stupid cow again.

ample · 31/08/2016 14:58

every time I saw her she huffed and went on about everyone pulling their weight

But you were pulling your weight...with your own children!
I would have told my SIL as much.
She was BU.

BrucieTheShark · 31/08/2016 15:03

Ha Exo this is my life too.

Which child's enjoyment shall we sacrifice today, hmm let's see?

And then the guilt that the other child is not truly accessing things, or bored and moaning, plus people treating you as if you are bone idle.

When do e consider our enjoyment? Never, but those are the cards we've been dealt. It's just a shame that nobody ever seems to get it.

Littlepeople12345 · 31/08/2016 15:09

Did your DD go off my herself? I'd never let mine go off in adventure island. Your SIL is an idiot, why would you want to look after other people's kids?? That's madness! Hope you found a nice shady spot for you and your DS!

whirlwinds · 31/08/2016 15:11

I would have a word with sil about the restrictions and commitments that come with ds and that for future reference that she is welcome to take dd on such events but ds is not to be put into situations like that again without proper clarifications. Nor her demands that you leave ds like that to help on something you didn't sign up for, with the following consequences if you had done that. And on that, a family outing is not what was the case when they brought 20 kids along for this and had you known you would not have come. Next time she needs to be honest about what the plans are, which she wasn't. Yanbu, she needs to learn what your ds has and respect his condition.

Lweji · 31/08/2016 15:22

I'd have a word explaining that, regardless, if she chooses to take care of friends's kids, it's her choice and nothing to do with you.
Never mind DS.

HoneyDragon · 31/08/2016 15:26

So she wasn't expected to supervise either of your children as dd went off independently under your supervision?

But she wanted you to help with the other eighteen children she had invited?

And they pressurised you attend after you had declined and explained why you wouldn't be much help?

If it's as that then YADNBU. She was.

JellyBelli · 31/08/2016 15:31

20 kids
If someone tried to make me responsible for 20 surprise kids I'd tell them where they could shove it, and none of my DC's have SNs.

Does your SIL like to play martyr? It would explain a lot.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2016 15:32

Oh ok AnotherTime. I really didn't think parents would sit with their kids for 2 hours explaining the benefits of X - without them having a meltdown. .

gamerchick · 31/08/2016 15:37

The op tried, she knows how far she can push her son. She did her utmost. So those of you with your "well you didn't try very hard" can fuck off. The effort required for that child to even be in that environment was immense; he needed his mum*

Indeed! May I add my fuck off as well.

Sounds like you did awesomely well to get him through 6 hours, well done him and you man. No way I could have managed that long.

diddl · 31/08/2016 15:48

So how would they have coped if you hadn't gone?

If you had asked them to supervise your daughter I might have veered towards YWBU.

I mean 4kids each should have been doable.

Astoria797 · 31/08/2016 15:49

I think your sil meant well by inviting you, but she clearly doesn't know about autism. If I were you I'd give her a call to explain things and maybe invite her round for coffee/play date etc. Tbh I think you did an admirable job by going anyway because your other kids got to enjoy themselves. We have a few autistic and asd kids in our family & their parents often don't do things that their other kids want to do to avoid leaving them out.

RaspberryOverload · 31/08/2016 15:50

YANBU, You had said you wouldn't be able to help, and it was a problem of SIL's making.

Lweji · 31/08/2016 15:53

Btw, OP, you must doing a brilliant job with your DS, if your relatives don't realise what can happen if things don't go well, or the implications of his autism.

LittleBeautyBelle · 31/08/2016 15:56

Op, you have done nothing wrong. Sil fully expected to volunteer you for the job she was supposed to do and when you stood your ground, she used you to create drama and ill will toward you from your husband's side of the family. Watch out for her.

You were roped into this in the first place. You didn't sign up for your inlaws' plans. You didn't want to go and I can see why.

Next time tell your husband No. Begin now to create boundaries that sil especially must respect. You do not have to apologize to any of them for not helping or advancing their own agendas.

Live your happy life with your husband and your children. They are your main family. If sil is a manipulator who creates drama to make you look and feel bad, stay far away from her. And don't apologize for it!

QuintessentialShadow · 31/08/2016 16:02

So where was your dh in this whole debacle with his family? Alone with just your dd? Or was your SIL also looking after your dd?

booklooker · 31/08/2016 16:06

I don't know if your were unreasonable or not.

But you have left yourself very easily identifiable to any other adults who were part of the day out.

I hope you are happy with that

Lweji · 31/08/2016 16:07

The OP says OH had to work, and DD went off on her own, reporting every hour.

pudcat · 31/08/2016 16:10

QuintessentialShadow So where was your dh in this whole debacle with his family? Alone with just your dd? Or was your SIL also looking after your dd?

Did you not read the OP's first post or just jump on the band wagon berating the OP? Her DH was at work and her DD went on her own returning every hour. Her DS has autism and he was finding it difficult to cope. I think OP needs a medal.

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