To not allow DC to go to this funeral?

[PlasticBagMillionaire]

XFIL recently died and XH wants to take our DC aged 8 & 5 to the funeral which is being held on a school day during the first week back.

Initially I said he could take them but having thought about it some more, I'm not sure I'm happy about it for several reasons.

1. it's during school hours. Last year he took them on a term time holiday against my wishes which resulted in me being threatened with education welfare even though the head had authorised the holiday. I don't want them to miss school, particularly during the first week when they're settling back in. Initially I thought the funeral would be this week when I said yes so this has helped change my opinion.

2. I think my 5yo is too young to go.

3. they barely knew him. XH didn't speak to his dad for years due to a huge falling out and afaik only got back in touch after we separated. My DC know that he has died, and they seem OK with the news. He was very ill and I have discussed death etc with them before and since the news.

4. I don't think he deserves to parade our DC in front of his family (which is what I suspect his true motives are). He doesn't pay maintenance any more and was always behind with it before, constantly cancels having them on his contact, is borderline neglectful when they're in his care. Basically, he's a poor excuse for a father and never ever considers their welfare and leaves all caring and financial obligations to me. It sounds spiteful and probably is but I've had enough of him getting the good bits of parenting without any of the responsibility. There's a huge backstory with so many examples of this.

So, AIBU to tell him that they can't go?

I agree with others -they are not automatically too young to go to a funeral. I think the earlier the better as it removes the mystic surrounding funerals. However I do think children need to be in the care of someone responsible who is not a close mourner. If you can't go, do you have parents who could take them? I think the funeral would be easier to handle than the wake to be honest, so take them to the funeral and bring them home straight after.

I was 8 when my GF died - wasn't particularly close, but I wanted to go to the funeral and wasn't allowed. and that still makes me a bit sad nearly 50 years later.

I say the funeral may be easier than the wake as there's a structure to a funeral service and certain 'rules'. Wakes can be a free for all if drink is involved.

My first reaction was that you should refuse to let them go. The bit about parading his children when it suits him, but being neglectful and guaranteed to get pissed all chimes very much with me. I don't believe children need to attend funerals in order to understand about death. My DD's cousin died in his 20's last year, DD (eight at the time) was devastated. I spent a lot of time listening to her talk about her feelings, and a lot of time talking about what had happened and trying to answer her questions, but I still refused to let her attend the funeral, even though she wanted to go. The funeral was, understandably, incredibly emotional, but also a very beautiful affirmation and celebration of his life. However, DD would only have focused on me, and other close family members, being incredibly upset on the day. I think seeing that would just have distressed her even more. Talking about what happened is one thing, a young child witnessing raw adult grief on that scale is a completely different thing. However, other posters have suggested that you attend the funeral also, and, if that is a possibility, then I think that is a good compromise. Let your ex take his kids to his father's funeral, but be there for them, ready to comfort them and remove them from the situation as you see fit. There's nothing odd about attending your ExFil's funeral (I went to my exFil's ten years after ex and I split). I do get a bit pissed off with people who bang on about the rights of fathers without understanding that some men are just crap fathers who unthinkingly inflict damage on their kids through lack of responsibility and selfishness. What about the rights of mothers who have to clear up the mess and heartache these part-time fathers inflict?

Actually, after your last post I've changed my mind (a very rare thing indeed!)

He sounds like a completely irresponsible, selfish, incompetent, excuse for a parent.

It sounds like your kids are really struggling emotionally with your separation & especially the small one not wanting to spend time with him (then him not coming for her once she'd decided to go), they didn't know their grandfather very well,

If you can't go & there's no one you trust to look after them properly then I'd say no.

However, I wouldn't blame the school (he might then arrange it himself) and I wouldn't blame his bad parenting (now is not the time for that discussion) I'd simply say they are both too upset about things already & you feel they are too young to go.

Whether it's importantt to the father is irrelevant in the same way as it would be irrelevant if it was important to the mother. What is relevant here is whether the children should be taken to a funeral of a relative they weren't close to by a man who does not have their emotional wellbeing as his priority.

IMO five is far too young to go to a funeral and eight is questionable. And there is certainly no obligation to drag children to funerals of not close relatives in order to introduce them to the concept of death. What a ridiculous suggestion.

Given that a, this man has a drink problem, has no thought for the emotional wellbeing of his children, and B, the children didn't have a close relationship with this grandfather anyway they wouldn't be going. It wouldn't be negotiable.

Thanks everyone for the advice. In the end, he called and they answered and told him themselves they didn't want to go so hopefully that is the matter resolved.

Great. If in the future they wish to visit BE grave abs lay flowers or go to the crematorium, I hope it will be a good way to express sadness. Sometimes kids do not cry Mich or at all at the death of an aged relative. So grieving privately is best. My dd cried buckets when her hamster died but not when her grandmother died.