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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry with DD (12) re secret social media account?

102 replies

Mirabel105 · 30/08/2016 17:17

DD like most girls her age lives for social media. I allowed her to have Instagram and Snapchat accounts on the basis that they were kept as private accounts and that I would follow her (but wouldn't embarrass her by commenting on pictures).

So she has her Insta and occasionally I look at her ipad and look at her Snapchat.

This week I've found out, entirely by chance, that she also has a second Instagram account. I couldn't follow her on it, as she'd blocked me. So I asked another friend to look and found out this second account is public and has about 400 followers, at least a couple of whom look to be older men whose interests are teenage girls (e.g. their pages are exclusively pictures of young-looking girls in bikinis).

Usually when I try to discuss the dangers of the internet I get (from both my kids) "I'm not STUPID, Mum!" and/or they say I am "overreacting". I want to teach her a lesson this time by demonstrating to her the reasons why I bang on about keeping accounts private and not engaging online with people she doesn't know IRL (as she'd say).

It's not just the worry of who is following her account, it's the very deliberate and considered LYING that makes me angry. AIBU?

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Whatsername17 · 30/08/2016 18:39

In addition you need to talk to her about the deceit. It is the secrecy that is the most stupid and dangerous thing here. There have been a number of teens murdered after lying to their parents about who they were meeting up with after meeting someone online. Eye roll and 'I'm not stupid' mum are not acceptable excuses at all.

Assam · 30/08/2016 18:41

When I go through them with her and ask who they are it's all "he's X's brother" or "she's Y's friend

My definition of who he knows personally is different to yours then. I don't let him accept follower requests from friends of friends or siblings of friends. Harsh!!! But why the need to be friends with someone who's 15 that you'd never talk to in real life??? Someone aged 12 with 250 friends that's nuts

Original poster
Mirabel105 · 30/08/2016 18:51

Completely agree Harram and that's the conversation we have. But she does not seem to be able to stick to the rule.

Have just been looking at some of the pages she is following. One seems to have some explicit sexual content. The irony is: it's a private account!

I am getting her account shut down. Thanks for your advice already - any more tips on how to put the fear of God into her would be much appreciated.

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Original poster
Mirabel105 · 30/08/2016 18:58

Harram = Assam! Sorry!

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LuluJakey1 · 30/08/2016 19:02

As a teacher, I have dealt with a 12 year old who had been persuaded by a '13 year old boy in London (who turned out to be a 36 year old Asian man) , to take her clothes off on a webcam for him and do some very sexual things. Her friend told me, the girl admitted it, social services, police and mum involved. Mum devastated and angry. Girl begged me not to tell mum because she was worried about her PC being taken off her Hmm
The man had a whole lot of images of young girls and a group of friends who were doing the same thing, and was charged. Don't know what happened to him but it went to court. He had offered to send her money for her and a friend to go down and see him. The friend told me.

LuluJakey1 · 30/08/2016 19:04

Get a police officer from the CPU to talk to her. Ask the school to do some work with the year group- she certainly won't be the only one.

Ineedmorepatience · 30/08/2016 19:05

Dd3 also did the setting up other accounts that we knew nothing about, we had someone else watching her original account.

She got herself involved with people who were depressed and self harming, she was having a really tough time at school! Its a long story but she now doesn't have any social media accounts.

Watch this www.thinkuknow.co.uk

Ineedmorepatience · 30/08/2016 19:05

Sorry meant take a look at that!

Original poster
Mirabel105 · 30/08/2016 19:10

The school she was at until last term was very hot on teaching them online safety and regularly had talks by police officers etc about it. It's not that she doesn't know the risks - it's the "that stuff happens to other people not me" mentality.

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rainbowstardrops · 30/08/2016 19:13

Definitely take technology away for a month if you can because of the deceit.

I had similar with DS a few years back now. He wanted FaceBook. He wasn't 13 (the required age) and also there were ripples of unrest at school and I didn't want the added cyber side to things.

He created an account behind my back. I found out.

He was banned from tec for a month and wasn't allowed FB until he was 13. He's 16 now, has FB and barely goes on it! Grin

My DD (11) wants it as all her friends do. I'm holding firm!!!

petalsandstars · 30/08/2016 19:18

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leicestershire-36672658

This should be rolled out this academic year in schools. It's happening so often now that hopefully the film will have an impact.

LyndaNotLinda · 30/08/2016 19:19

I would play the big disappointed card. You thought she was grown up enough to be trusted but she's not. How disappointing that you have to treat her like a much younger child and supervise her internet access etc.

When you give her the iPad back, put parental controls on it. If she can't be trusted to behave sensibly, she can't have access to things that her peers do.

I'd tell her she has six months to try and regain your trust.

Hardline is the only way to go

Becky546 · 30/08/2016 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FarAwayHills · 30/08/2016 19:34

It's really scary that young people today measure their self worth in terms of 'likes' or 'followers'. They will go to any lengths, even allowing strangers to follow them just to gain an extra number. I think it is worth speaking to your DD about this and why she was willing to risk her personal safety just to appear more popular.

MissMogwi · 30/08/2016 19:38

My eldest DD did similar at the same age. She lost her phone/iPad for a month and when she got it back It was for short periods until she could be trusted.

I went mad to be honest, as they all know the dangers and implications but it's too tempting. Many of her friends have done the same.

My DD had her secret Instagram hidden under a fake 'calculator' app. They can be so deceptive, so easily. I spoke to the school and they said its a huge problem.

Shakey15000 · 30/08/2016 19:48

I think a months ban is too short. I totally get your disappointment, I'd feel gutted. My DS is nine and broke my trust by leaving the park and going to someone's house without my knowledge. First time he'd " let me down" but he had a months ban on his tablet.
He read tons that month.

I hope the trust lesson has sunk in with him but pound to a penny I'll be asking advice here also in the future!

And it's the lying that would see me banning for three months in your case.

RebelRogue · 30/08/2016 19:54

Thanks for your advice already - any more tips on how to put the fear of God into her would be much appreciated

I'll get shut down in flames for this but like i said earlier,scare her shitless/show that it can happen to her. A bit late now as accounts are shut/access removed, but i'd make an account,talk to her for a bit then two options
1.Text "hi i'm gary from instagram , found your address and thought i'd come by to say hello can you come out? Just want to chat"Have older male friend she doesn't know loitering outside the house.
2.set up a meeting and again have older male friend she doesn't know show up

It would also show you how reckless she would be given enough temptation. Yes i know,i'm a horrible parent.

VestalVirgin · 30/08/2016 19:54

I'm going to suggest a different approach. Don't punish her too harshly. Take her ipad away for a week, tops. Don't yell at her.

She's 12, she wants some privacy from her parents, and she doesn't seem to have done something really bad, anyway. The tendency to derive self esteem from likes is worrying, but nothing you'll be able to completely change - only limit the extent of, perhaps.

I admit I don't have any parenting experience, I just have experience being a (clever, rather shy) child, and my parents never got in the way of me doing stuff on the internet. And because I am paranoid, I always told them when I wanted to meet someone. Because I knew they wouldn't get in the way.

Tell her the stories people on her have told ... that should keep her from sending any pictures she doesn't want to be seen by the whole world to anyone on the internet.
(Actually, I follow a policy of never having any pictures of me in existence that I would be more than slightly embarrassed about.)

If you paint yourself as the enemy, she'll keep other things secret from you, too, and she's probably better at this social network stuff than you are, and will be better at hiding it next time.

Original poster
Mirabel105 · 31/08/2016 06:56

I originally thought of doing something along the lines of RebelRogue's suggestion but thought perhaps that would look a bit OTT. We have the added dimension of me and her dad being unamicably divorced and I get a lot of "Dad would never overreact like you do" (he bloody well would) as a result - they know I can never check anything with him as he simply ignores any communications from me.

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FarAwayHills · 31/08/2016 08:03

That is hard Mirabel - and kids are great at playing you off against one another. Perhaps you could let your ex know anyhow and even if he chooses to ignore you least he is aware.

FarAwayHills · 31/08/2016 08:04

You will need to let him know about any internet or social media ban and the reason why so hopefully he can enforce the same if your DD spends time with him.

Original poster
Mirabel105 · 31/08/2016 09:27

Oh I will definitely tell him, but from past similar experiences (e.g. once when I removed privileges from DD for lying), he will use it as an opportunity to tell the kids their mother is "controlling" and "overreacts". He has always been more motivated by doing me down than by what benefits the kids.

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paxillin · 31/08/2016 09:43

I'm sure if you tell him the account was open and older males with an interest in teenage girls follow her he won't do that. He might act to spite you on occasions, but I imagine he doesn't want to harm her.

P1nkP0ppy · 31/08/2016 09:53

I'm shuddering at the 250+ ' friends ' all supposedly known to her friends- I bet the majority aren't!
Your dd is in danger of being groomed and won't have a clue that's what is happening - I speak from experiencing my niece (who's DF is a police Inspector) being groomed.

She too said she wasn't stupid......

paxillin · 31/08/2016 09:58

An average person knows 200 people at any one time. This includes the postman, their GP and the violin teacher, unlikely social media friends.