To be upset about DH's criticism

[Halle71]

DH and I were bought up in very different homes. My parents are very conservative, not massively social (my dad more so that my mum though) and only drink lightly and live fairly modestly. On the other hand, DH’s parents are massive party animals, live life to the full, spend money and drink lots. I was very shy as a kid, and teased because I was ‘square’ until I was 14 or 15 when I decided to become the class clown, and got into music and just grew up I guess. My friends, including DH, would laugh (well, DH does) if I describe myself as shy because I cover it up and can hold my own in a social situation, almost becoming too chatty to get over how uncomfortable I can get. But I am shy and quite private and enjoy time alone, seeing home as my haven. I love to have people over for BBQs/dinner/kids for play dates etc but don’t feel comfortable with people round all the time. DH however would always have people round if he could.
His parents are over from abroad at the moment, for a total of 5 weeks but ‘only’ staying at our house for three weeks. It’s really stressing me out - they are always in the house as they have ‘done’ London. For four days aver the BH I literally did not see him without unless we were in bed and as he stayed up drinking with them, that was sleeping.
DH has been quite horrible about it –he says I am boring and that I hate having people round. He thinks that I am abnormal and that most people are like him – he would actually live with his parents if he had the chance. He makes me feel ashamed that I don’t have an open house, odd that I like my space and privacy.
I get on well with the in-laws when we visit them, but they live in an outdoorsy/beachy country and we do our own thing a lot of the time, meeting up for day trips and meals. Or my BIL and his wife and kids will be there as well – I am more comfortable in a bigger group in that situation. However, this isn’t about the in-laws, they are just the biggest example of the problem.
He’s made me feel like a horrible person.

Your DH was an idiot to put the phone on speaker.

If, when you talk tonight, you need any example for your DH to try to help him understand, you can certainly use mine.

And I'm not alone; there are many, many introverts, as many as extroverts, funny enough.

He knows you have your differences, and you've been able to get along up to now, but he just doesn't seem to have taken account of this while his parents are here, it's like he's just expecting you to suck it up.

If he'd had any sort of empathy, he'd have arranged things so you had space while the visit was on. Properly arranged this visit could have been great while you still got time and space to recharge.

Putting you on speaker phone was spiteful and thoroughly nasty. Partners should be able to discuss difficult issues in private and in my opinion this was undermining and controlling behaviour. I would ask to speak to him in private as soon as he appears . Don't worry about his parents , they already know there is a problem but their son obviously is used to getting his own way and doesn't want to address this like an adult, hence involving his parents by leaving the speaker phone on.
Tell him loudly ( so they can hear !) that you really like his parents and enjoy their company but that 3 weeks is too long and you need your space and privacy. Also point out that you are supposed to be married and yet you are getting very little time together. Give it to him with both barrels. This situation is HIS fault not yours. If he pulls the " you aren't normal etc." stuff through it right back ...." most normal husbands don't treat their wives like this . You are at fault not me. How about DISCUSSING things like length of visits etc. instead of you just TELLING me what's going to happen. It's my home as well as yours !"
The worm turning on him might just do the trick. He's a bully so stand up to him.
I had similar issues with my DH years ago except he would invite his parents up for a week them disappear off to work ! When he came home he would hide behind a newspaper to avoid talking to his mum or go off with his dad to " do DIY ". I got around this by telling him to take time off and arranging days out with my friends . I also started disappearing upstairs to " iron " or " do some sewing " or " make a phone call ".

" throw" not " through ".
I can spell .... honest !

Not trying to defend the dh here, but the speakerphone thing wasn't necessarily spiteful. When I'm driving, the only safe way to answer the phone is via Bluetooth hands free (speaker). He may be being an arse, but that wasn't totally his fault?

Yes but he should have answered saying 'hello, I'm driving so the phone is on speakerphone'

You sound very similar to me. Having my own parents over for 3 weeks would be a nightmare let-alone my in laws!!!

I think you need to find some space to talk to your hubby.

I would say it is normal to want your own space (as a couple or alone) away from house guest. Up drinking every night is not a good or sensible life style. It would drive me nuts!

Your in laws will understand if you need some privacy I'm sure X

It definitely wasn't spiteful (he's not that mean, just stupid!) but his phone is hooked up to his car.
However, he knows we need to talk and didn't need to take his mum for the school pick up.

I feel everything has fallen apart when it didn't need to. If we had had a couple of mornings to ourselves at the weekend I could have coped. I suggested that we did this before we went away. Left them at the cottage and went to the beach with the kids then picked them up for lunch. But he didn't suggest it when we were there and I felt awkward suggesting it. And pretty sure they hated what we did - they have a beach house in NZ and his dad hasn't been on the beach in 30 years and his mum bitched about a Caribbean Cruise because the beaches weren't as nice as theirs of Fiji, so Camber Sands can't have done it for them!

If they go, nothing will be the same again. His brothers will find out, my parents who are visiting on Sunday will find out. You kind of can't go back from that.
"Came all the way from NZ and we weren't made to feel welcome".

Hadn't realised that about the Bluetooth hands free ... sorry.
You still need to stand up to him though ! You and he are different ... that's all.... the way you are is not inferior to the way he is ... and vice versa.
Took me years to stand up for myself. DH used to simply assume that he was in charge and his opinion was the correct one. One of his favourite comments was " You are a terrible person " , if I disagreed with him over an issue. I eventually told him that it was strange that I had so many friends compared to him as I was so terrible . I also started saying " don't be so ridiculous, I just have a different viewpoint to you ". He hasn't called me a terrible person for several years now !!
Anyway , sorry to high jack your thread. Hope you get this issue sorted out so that both of you are happy.

But didn't you say on speakerphone that you didn't want them to go to a B and B? I think you need to speak to them and maybe divvy up and do some separate activities for a bit. Can you book them some visits? Send them to London for a few days or something?!

Oh dear .. Can you have a quiet word with either of the in laws and explain that it's not them, just having a young family (as they know) can be stressful and it's hard getting the time just be be together with all the pressure of daily life .... Perhaps you could suggest a date night, if they're OK to babysit

Your DH does need to be more understanding though, having visitors all the time just doesn't work for some people. I'm lucky that DH is like me, we have some really good friends and lovely family but like to see them in small doses .. We accept that we're seen as antisocial by some ... My SIL 'worries' that her son takes after my DH as he's happy with his own company a lot of the time.

I love having a bbq etc but I also love it when they've all gone home!

I think even with my own parents 3 nights would be my maximum and we have a fantastic relationship

Date night is a fab idea!

Your DH is mean and inconsiderate. He's also wrong. How can he believe 'most people are like him,' and 'he'd live with his parents if he could,' - he must be aware that the vast majority of people DON'T live with their extended family, - in-fact single person households are the fastest growing units, falling only behind one-couple households.

So it's very much the norm to be introverted - just as normal as being extroverted. The difference is you probably wouldn't be so rude as to tell him that he's strange and unbalanced because he can't handle being on his own, and that he doesn't like his own company and needs someone to constantly entertain him like a child! (not necessarily my thoughts but ones that come up in the intro vs extroverts threads.

Furthermore, even very very outgoing and extroverted people find THEIR INLAWS LIVING WITH THEM FOR THREE WEEKS!!! a completely different kettle of fish!

Take yourself to the nearest park/coffee shop and have some lovely time to yourself!

I think he is being really mean and is displaying a lack of knowledge of his wife which doesn't reflect very well on him. As your long term partner, he should understand that you are an introvert and support you in taking some time to yourself to relax.

He is also wrong that most people (at least in this country) are like him. I think most people dislike having long staying house guests.

Your post resonates with me as I am similar in terms of enjoying socialising but also needing so time to myself and becoming 'bitch from hell' if I have no time at all.

I think you need to just book some activities alone, a solitary walk/ cycle ride or whatever is practical plus maybe a few early nights with a book and just tell him this is what you are doing. In this sort of situation, I would probably try to meet a close friend even with the children as good to offload a bit and easier to fully relax in the company of a good friend.

About to walk into the house, kiss the kids good night and grab my swimming stuff for a quick escape swim

I'm like you OP - a extrovert/introvert mix (there's a name for it but I can't think of it right now). Luckily my dh is the same, perhaps a bit more extroverted.

The term is 'ambivert '.

Fucking manipulative bitch.
So she woke up this morning after a minor altercation over water pressure and, without speaking to anyone, tried to reserve a B&B round the corner (she will get confirmation tomorrow am). They have her card details.
And she's done this 'to get out of my hair so I can do things how I like them'. Apparently she 'can't do anything right' and she's only trying to 'help'. This was because I said to leave our washing - gives me something to do out of the way, and I don't like guests (even unwelcome ones) doing my chores.

She knows that, if they do go, it will look bad on me for friends and family.

I'm fuming.

I know I've already written this, but I spoke to DH and he repeated it and I saw how she has made herself the victim.

So take yourself off, do your own thing. Create the balance that you need even if it's a walk on your own or a visit to the library. Let them look after the kids a bit

I'm a very social person. But not in my own home. I need my haven, and need to be able to fuck off and have quiet time when I want it. I hate having people to stay.

Oh dear. Have you tried speaking to her directly about it? Sounds like she's enjoying playing you and DH off against each other. Have a word with FIL maybe? What a nightmare. I do really feel for you!

This thread has really made me 'get' my introvert side. I recently did the Myers Briggs test for the umpteenth time with colleagues who all said "yes, you are of course an extrovert"- love meeting new people, chatty, social etc. But everyday, without fail, I need at least 30 mins completely on my own to recharge. Once the kids are in bed I go somewhere in the house away from DP for this (luckily, he doesn't seem to mind). Having playdates, particularly unplanned ones in the house makes me really twitchy. I love BBQs/parties etc here but find them stressful to some degree and am really glad to be alone at the end of the day. OP- you sound much more extrovert than me!! I think your DH is unusual- very unusual. He may think that everyone seems to enjoy being around others a lot but he's not living with them and won't necessarily see their need for their own quiet moments. Maybe the passive aggressive response from his mum also masks her own need for some space, regardless of how life and soul of the party his folks are?

OP, if it's important to your husband could you not just tolerate them for 3 weeks? It may be important to him to have his family with him and in the large scheme of things, three weeks isn't really long. It's not clear how often they visit, but you have rest of the year or whatever duration to yourself. And it is his own parents visiting, not some distant relatives or friends.

She is clearly used to being able to emotionally manipulate people.

So and you're not going to like this ... you have to be the bigger person here, as she's clearly not going to be.

Why don't you pull her to one side this evening (if she hasn't already gone to bed) or first thing tomorrow, and say something like "look, I think some things have been taken out of context and you know I think the world of you both (yuke) so can we just go for a coffee somewhere just the two of us tomorrow"

If she says no, you can at least tell DH and anyone else for that matter that you tried.

Had a swim and feel a bit calmer and about to go in the front door - they are finishing dinner.
I can grin and bear it and I will have to put on my best DIL face and say not worth doing something so drastic over the bloody shower.
As you can imagine, I hate this sort of conflict and it feels 3 against 1 (although FIL should be ok) but it has to get sorted.

And thanks to everyone who has made me feel less of an anti social freak!!