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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is being unreasonable in this scenario?

73 replies

deVelvet · 29/08/2016 18:20

Person A has one child (6 yrs)
Person B has 3 children (5, 6 & 9)

A & B are in a LTR, living together, blended family.

A & B took the dc swimming today - all dc have swimming lessons and are on different levels of ability. They can all swim though. B is a great swimmer. A cannot swim.

In the pool A is hanging around the edge whilst B is mostly playing with dc. A goes on flumes etc with dc while B waits at the bottom to make sure they are ok.
Once established that dc are ok they are allowed to go on the flume by themselves - I. E walk up the stairs, queue. At the bottom of the flume it doesn't go into a pool - it just slides to a halt with about 10am water.

So, A is hanging around the edge. B playing with own youngest dc. Other 3 are on flume . After each go they go on again.

A goes to toilet, calls out to B but B doesn't hear. A goes anyway.

A comes back to find B in the deep end with own 3 dc. A's dc comes off flume, spots B in the deep end, calls out to B who doesn't hear. Child jumps in. All this happens before A's eyes but A is too far away.

A runs over, screams out to B whilst pulling struggling dc from the water. Lifeguard comes over but A already has dc.

During all of this B - who is a couple of feet away - hears and sees nothing except own dc.

A & B are cross with each other for different reasons.

A thinks B should have been more aware of all the dc coming off the flume and not just own. Two of Bs dc had just come off flume and into pool with B - was obvious that As child would follow

B thinks A was wrong to go to toilet and assumed that because A and child were not with B that A and child were together.

In fairness it was lucky that A came back at that point as the child could have gotten into real trouble in the water.

Who do you think is in the wring here?
I know it's daft to do all this A&B stuff but just wanted to show the scenario really.
You could probably guess which one I am but I will fess up in a bit.

OP posts:
Pimmmms · 29/08/2016 20:38

Most pools have a rule of 1 person being responsible for only 2 children under 8. There is a reason for this.

Its worrying that your DP seems to keep tabs on his 3 and not yours though. You need to pull him up in this each and every time he does this.

Please, please, please get yourself some swimming lessons.

FullTimeYummy · 29/08/2016 20:39

You might want to consider how to approach your apology. You are of the view that your husband sees your DD as a lower priority, hence "forgetting" her today.

Obviously only you and your husband know whether or not that is true, but i think it is irrelevant here. He wasn't watching the kids on the slides, you were.

Whilst you have accepted you've made a mistake, you seem a little keen to accuse DP of not only in the wrong by not watching your DD, but not doing so because he doesn't care about her as much.

I can see why your DP might take serious offence at that

FullTimeYummy · 29/08/2016 20:41

Obviously, if he really doesn't care about her as much, then you need to address that (but separately)

shiveringhiccup · 29/08/2016 20:44

Is this part of a wider picture of B putting his kids first and ignoring your child?

witsender · 29/08/2016 20:45

Tbh, to my mind the adult in the pool has ultimate responsibility for all kids. Whether or not A goes to the loo. So I would be very saddened that B wasn't paying attention to one child, heightened by the fact that child isn't 'theirs'.

shiveringhiccup · 29/08/2016 20:47

Sorry - just read your post about you feeling that DP looks out for his more than yours. Sounds like that is the root issue that needs tackling, not the swimming.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 29/08/2016 21:08

You definitely, obviously, should have made sure your dp knew you were going to the loo.

But I really can't imagine being somewhere like a pool and not always counting out the 4 children in my care. Your dp couldn't see you so whether he assumed you were at the top of the flume or not, surely he should have kept an eye on the fourth child at the absolute least until he saw you were in sight and taking over.

GoLightlyHollie · 29/08/2016 21:14

The person who went the toilet should have specifically told (i.e. to their face and had the information acknowledged) the person who was staying in the pool that they were going to the loo and that pool person was responsible for all children. So often drownings occur because one parent thinks the kids are with the other parent.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2016 21:20

"So often drownings happen because one parent thinks the kids are with the other parent". It sounds like this is what happened here. It's very hard to keep tabs on so many children. Only you know if he regularly disregards your DD. Even then, it may not be that he cares about her less. He just may assume she's more likely to be with you and watched by you. And not necessarily in any way malicious. Still a conversation to be had about how you work the logistics through when all is calm.

FTM89 · 29/08/2016 21:57

I don't think I know anyone who can't swim Hmm

Oh ffs, I'm a good swimmer so it's not that I'm personally taking offence to this comment but I mean, really?!
Yes not being able to swim is uncommon but it's not like the op chose it that way, there's no need for the patronising emoji

carabos · 30/08/2016 06:49

FTM the OP chooses not to learn to swim.

OpenMe · 30/08/2016 08:02

I think it's more or less impossible to watch four children in that situation. He thought you had "yours" so why would he be looking for her? If I had known I was responsible for four, I would have moved them all to shallow water and laid down rules about them all staying together until the second adult returned, but he didn't know.

Also any child who isn't a good enough swimmer to get themselves out of deep water must be taught never to get in it without specific permission from an adult.

How much trouble was she really in though? If she can swim at all, surely she could get herself back to the side after jumping in? Did your own lack of confidence cause you to over react?

Dp is definitely right in this instance. He wasn't looking out for your child because he thought you were and it's not possible for him to have been doing it properly if they weren't all in the same area. I'm not surprised he's cross with you if you've been accusing him of putting a child's life in danger. Wrong to be sulking and to have gone out though.

Soubriquet · 30/08/2016 08:15

Don't worry op I can't swim either.

I wasn't given the luxury of swimming lessons, my parents hated swimming so never took me and after nearly drowning twice, it kinda put me off.

I still take my children swimming though. I don't want them to grow up like I did

CotswoldStrife · 30/08/2016 08:31

Tbh, when I first read this I immediately thought that you were A, and that you thought your partner didn't look after/out for your child. But you do acknowledge that your partner (B) didn't know you'd gone

A goes to toilet, calls out to B but B doesn't hear. A goes anyway.

It must have been a shock for you all, but are you using it as a stick to beat your partner with in a long-standing 'you don't look out for my child' way? Obviously I don't know whether he does concentrate on his own children but I don't think this is an incident which is going to help your case so don't use it for that!

eightbluebirds · 30/08/2016 09:03

A was at fault. B was probably concentrating on their own children because they had no reason to think A wasn't with theirs. And even if B had heard, it is way to much to expect one person to keep an eye on four children at the swimming baths.
Accidents happen and we learn from them.

kali110 · 30/08/2016 09:06

carabos many people choose not to swim, hardly a shocker.

carabos · 30/08/2016 13:22

kali but how many people who choose not to swim take their not-very-good-at-swimming child swimming? Swimming lessons so that they can learn yes, recreational swimming where you, as a non-swimmer can't effectively ensure their safety, no. And don't start about how the pool would have a lifeguard and all the rest of it - plenty of kids have drowned in public pools under the noses of lifeguards. It's ridiculous.

DeadGood · 30/08/2016 13:33

Good for you OP. Hope you sorted it with your partner.

You had a scare - and it does sound as though there is another issue clouding this, which is that your partner thinks of his own children and doesn't include yours as much. It's really a shame that he won't accept this, as you clearly believe it so presumably have reason to.

kali110 · 30/08/2016 20:16

A lot of people carabos so their own children don't end up being scared of the water.
Really not uncommon...

OpenMe · 30/08/2016 20:26

If you can't swim being scared of the water makes a lot of sense

mygorgeousmilo · 30/08/2016 20:29

It was just one of those things, unfortunately for you if turned out to be a scary and upsetting one of those things. Nobody was deliberately neglectful of course. A should have been clearer, but still, the upset is enough of a punishment, don't beat yourself up over it OP

NoFucksImAQueen · 30/08/2016 20:36

Carbos-
Most adults will be able to stand in a pool so not being able to swim isn't an issue and yes they could still assist their dc. Op even said she dragged her dd out so her not being able to swim wasn't an issue.
I also think it's different learning to swim as an adult. I learnt as a ch

NoFucksImAQueen · 30/08/2016 20:38

Child like many others but it must be quite different and challenging trying to learn as an adult.
It's something that as a society we associate with children-like riding a bike. It's not right by many means but I can see why op may not have wanted to learn. She is being sensible by sending her daughter to lessons and to swim socially, I'm surprised you're picking fault with that tbh

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