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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is being unreasonable in this scenario?

73 replies

deVelvet · 29/08/2016 18:20

Person A has one child (6 yrs)
Person B has 3 children (5, 6 & 9)

A & B are in a LTR, living together, blended family.

A & B took the dc swimming today - all dc have swimming lessons and are on different levels of ability. They can all swim though. B is a great swimmer. A cannot swim.

In the pool A is hanging around the edge whilst B is mostly playing with dc. A goes on flumes etc with dc while B waits at the bottom to make sure they are ok.
Once established that dc are ok they are allowed to go on the flume by themselves - I. E walk up the stairs, queue. At the bottom of the flume it doesn't go into a pool - it just slides to a halt with about 10am water.

So, A is hanging around the edge. B playing with own youngest dc. Other 3 are on flume . After each go they go on again.

A goes to toilet, calls out to B but B doesn't hear. A goes anyway.

A comes back to find B in the deep end with own 3 dc. A's dc comes off flume, spots B in the deep end, calls out to B who doesn't hear. Child jumps in. All this happens before A's eyes but A is too far away.

A runs over, screams out to B whilst pulling struggling dc from the water. Lifeguard comes over but A already has dc.

During all of this B - who is a couple of feet away - hears and sees nothing except own dc.

A & B are cross with each other for different reasons.

A thinks B should have been more aware of all the dc coming off the flume and not just own. Two of Bs dc had just come off flume and into pool with B - was obvious that As child would follow

B thinks A was wrong to go to toilet and assumed that because A and child were not with B that A and child were together.

In fairness it was lucky that A came back at that point as the child could have gotten into real trouble in the water.

Who do you think is in the wring here?
I know it's daft to do all this A&B stuff but just wanted to show the scenario really.
You could probably guess which one I am but I will fess up in a bit.

OP posts:
deVelvet · 29/08/2016 18:36

Hearing test Grin Yes definitely

OP posts:
OhFuds · 29/08/2016 18:37

You should have pee'd in the pool Grin

Becky546 · 29/08/2016 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phillipp · 29/08/2016 18:39

You are not a dick.

I don't think anyone has said that or even thinks that. As most have said, it's a misunderstanding and something to learn from.

Don't beat yourself (or each other) up too much about it.

TeenAndTween · 29/08/2016 18:41

Also you need to make sure child of A knows not to jump in to a deep end if they can't swim unless they have absolute confirmation the adult with them is aware what they are going to do.

deVelvet · 29/08/2016 18:43

No one called me a dick except myself. I suppose in the shock of what happened and DPs general aloofness I was cross for him concentrating on his own dc whilst he had no idea where dd was.
If I wasn't there to watch it unfold who knows what could have happened.

Lesson learned though - there is no greater bitch than deep water regardless of where it is.

Take on board pps suggestion of ground rules etc.

I'm still in a huff, I need to snap out of it don't I Grin

OP posts:
sonjadog · 29/08/2016 18:47

You had a fright and overreacted - you are not a dick. These things happen so don´t get yourself worked up about what could have been. Just be thankful that everything turned out well and make sure your husband hears you next time!

sailawaywithme · 29/08/2016 18:52

I've had a very similar experience to you, OP. And I was the one who got out of the water, and thought I'd made it very clear to the other parent that I was getting out. We also had a lifeguard intervene. It was terrible, but lesson learned. Don't be too hard on yourself.

spanky2 · 29/08/2016 18:53

Dh can't swim. In the pool on holiday he was staring into the mid distance or on the side of the pool reading. I thought he was supervising dcs properly, especially as youngest dc couldn't quite touch the bottom.
I see both sides. A should've let B know, but B should've paid attention to all dcs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2016 18:56

It really is too much to expect dp to look after 4 children. Even if he had known he had responsibility for them all (which he didn't). And also against the policy of the pool FOR VERY GOOD REASON. Water is very dangerous as has been widely publicised in the media recently with several deaths in the sea over recent weeks. My DD has a medical condition, which means her heart stops beating sometimes so we are extra vigilant. I really am a extremely shocked by the complacency of the situation.

Anyway, a big lesson in communication learnt by all. I hope your DD isn't too traumatised and will be happy to go swimming again. I would suggest you go very soon actually but work out the logistics better first. Eg everyone sitting on the edge of the shallow end while you go for a wee.

If she inhaled water, do be aware of dry drowning or secondary drowning (same thing).

spanky2 · 29/08/2016 18:57

These things happen and no one was hurt. Ds1 ran out I front of a car age 5. It really put the shit up me and I still think of it 7 years later. But he wasn't hurt and I learnt for next time. He was on reins for a while.
You don't need to call yourself a dick. We all have parenting fails but we learn from them.

SandyPantz · 29/08/2016 18:58

A is in the wrong

still an accident though and everyone's had a fright so don't beat yourself up about it x

Hermanfromguesswho · 29/08/2016 19:14

Yes you owe him an apology for not clearly saying you were leaving the pool. It's a good lesson to remember also.
On the other hand, I can understand why you are feeling disappointed. I expect you were thinking that if it were you, there's no way you would watch your own kid come off the slide and ignore his kids when you couldn't see him supervising them. I'd also feel sad that he hadn't felt any need or desire to keep an eye out for his step child Sad

EarthboundMisfit · 29/08/2016 19:29

Well, A is 'more' at fault because they should have made sure B was aware they were leaving.

EarthboundMisfit · 29/08/2016 19:30

Oh just read A is you. I put 'more' because I don't think anyone should be beating themselves up. You've all had a shock.

carabos · 29/08/2016 19:50

I think four children of varying levels of capability need more than one adult swimmer with them. If your DD does not swim well enough to cope with 1.5m of water, and you can't swim, you need another plan. Why don't you learn to swim? How have you avoided learning to swim? Are you in UK?

I don't think I know anyone who can't swim Hmm and I can't understand why a non swimmer would take their not-very-good-at-swimming child swimming Confused.

TeenAndTween · 29/08/2016 19:56

I can't understand why a non swimmer would take their not-very-good-at-swimming child swimming

So they grow up more confident swimming than their parent perhaps?

NewIdeasToday · 29/08/2016 20:01

Horrible situation. Well done for realising that you should have communicate better. All parents make mistakes - don't beat yourself up. Get your partner a cup of tea or glass of wine and just make sure you both learn from this.

I understand why you're focusing on the blended family aspect, but really this could happen in any family with a few kids so let that part go.

Hope you're feeling ok now OP.

carabos · 29/08/2016 20:11

Obviously Teen, but surely better that the parent learn to swim, or the supervising be done by someone who is capable of action if needed, not a non-swimmer. Bonkers.

GinIsIn · 29/08/2016 20:17

Well yes, it was your fault - if you were with your child before you went to the loo, B probably assumed that the child was still with you so would have no reason to know they needed to wait around.

But it was an accident, accidents happen. What is important is to make sure it doesn't happen again - as PPs have said, 1 swimming adult to 4 children, not all of whom are swimmers, is a very bad idea. Is there a reason why you can't swim? Could you learn? If your DD is a poor swimmer too perhaps learning is something that you could share? It's not just for fun - as you have learned all too well, being a competent swimmer is a vital life skill.

deVelvet · 29/08/2016 20:25

That's my point Herman. When we are all out I always do a headcount of 4 - I like to be able to see everyone and always count my children as a foursome.

DP tends to always think first of his three, despite them being a foursome longer than a threesome - he denies this.

Regarding swimming. I don't know why I've never learnt, I suppose I can do a couple of frog kicks in shallow water but I have never been in water deeper than the height of my chest. DD goes to swimming lessons because I want her to be confident in water.

The two eldest dc are really good/strong swimmers (like dp) they compete you see, so no worries with them. And they have just come back from a surfing holiday.

Thinking back to earlier I saw the confidence in dds face as she jumped in the pool but she was shaken up when I pulled her out. Having said that she hot right back in amongst everything almost straight after so she seems unscathed.

Just me and dp. We still haven't spoken. He won't talk to me at the moment and has gone out. Will sort later

OP posts:
Bitofacow · 29/08/2016 20:26

Well done. You made a mistake and you have owned it. Excellent parenting. Everyone does stupid shit its how you deal with it. This is a positive thing, the kids see you made a mistake, see you upset, see you apologise, see you move on. Well done.

Soubriquet · 29/08/2016 20:31

Just read

A was at fault. Should have made sure B heard you but it was a complete accident

Glad you are going to apologise but if your DP huffs and puffs and gets all defensive whilst you are apologising he is a dick

You had a shock so it was understandable that you lashed out slightly. He has no excuse not to accept the apology

Velvetdarkness · 29/08/2016 20:31

I'm in the minority as I think B is more wrong for not enduring they knew where all the children were. He shouldn't have assumed the other was with A. He basically collected his own and just wandered off without a thought to the other one.

deVelvet · 29/08/2016 20:34

Ha. Thanks Velvet (must be something in the name)

I appreciate that, but really, as pp have said dp had no reason not to think I had gone to the flume to be with the dc.

OP posts: