To think this woman is trying to hurt my baby? (Quite long, sorry)

[EvieSparkles0x]

Hi, I've never posted before but I'm really stressed out about this and need to hear some outside perspective. I feel I should mention I'm extremely fed up of the situation I'm in and this may be contributing to an overreaction...

In a nutshell, I'm currently in temporary accommodation provided by the council in the form of a room in a shared house with my DD who is nearly one. I have been here quite a bit longer than anyone else now and have seen quite a few different characters come and go, and have got on with everyone up until now.

A couple of months ago a girl moved in with no children and none due, and was considered possibly eligible for housing according to her because she is vulnerable as she has mental health issues (I have not pressed her to tell me what issues specifically). I want to try and keep this reasonably short so I will just say, we got on well at first but she has now put me off of her because of her constant complaining about everyone and everything, to the point where one rather vulnerable woman was removed from the house on her whim, and her indecent joy in inflicting this on said woman. She also uses drugs despite her number one complaint about aforementioned woman being her drug use, and frankly just sometimes behaves slightly oddly and tells me it's her medication and not that she is high..

So the reason I'm now stressed out is, as I mentioned we got on well when she first moved in but her malicious attitude and displays of Schadenfreude have made me feel really uncomfortable around her, and I think she can sense this and has started to turn against me.

My LO and I have very little space and ever since she has become more mobile and active, along with the fact that my room is a garage conversion and has a plastic roof so gets unhealthily hot regardless of what I do, I have let her crawl/toddle around the kitchen, but as any toddler will do, she is curious about the bottom cupboards. I must emphasise that I don't let her in them if someone's stuff is in them, but when u am cooking she sometimes manages to get to open the door before I notice. This has never been a problem with anyone and they are all aware and laugh about it, but recently this girl has decides that she needs more cupboard space (perfectly reasonable) and despite there being 2 empty cupboards above the work surface, she has decided she wants a bottom one that my lo has a particular fixation with as it's where I stand when I cook, which she knows as she has sat in the kitchen swith us and watched LO pull out stuff I have purposely put in there for her to find as it keeps her occupied. I was a bit annoyed but didn't think much of it.

Now, she has recently made passive aggressive comments about some bits of mine being out in the kitchen, and I wasn't overly apologetic as I'm now aware of how she moans about everyone and I don't really want to indulge her. This morning, my LO has opened aforementioned cupboard which is a fixation of hers, and this woman has moved her sharp butcher knives and spray of strong Kitchen cleaner to the very front of the bottom shelf of the cupboard :(

She is young but a year older than me, and knows my LO is always trying to get in this cupboard, plus these items were perfectly comfortably stored in a top shelf cupboard. Is she being oblivious, or has she done this maliciously to prove some kind of point? I would always assumed the former but her behaviour is making me feel otherwise, and I'm incredibly upset at the thought of someone deliberately wanting to hurt my baby :(

I am afraid to approach her because as I've said previously, she seems a bit odd sometimes and I don't know what these mental health issues are, but she has self harmed in the house. I feel so trapped in this house, I have no idea when i will be moved and I can't see a way of complaining because really all she has done is put some very toddler unfriendly items in her cupboard. Am I being unreasonable to be so upset and angry???

Report her for the drug use, make a complaint with regard to her behaviour. She is lining you up as her next target to get moved on. You've seen her do it to someone else. She is just trying to gauge the best way to do it with you and it seems like your child messing with her stuff is the way she is going to go.

It does sound like she's deliberately being awkward, at the very least.

You'll need to get a little play pen for the kitchen when you're cooking I think.

I agree that you are right - she is trying to force you out by threatening your child. Possibly she doesn't intend harm but obviously she doesn't particularly care if your baby is injured. Report her for her drug use, and ask if a blanket prohibition can be put into force that no dangerous items may be stored in lower cupboards because they are accessible to vulnerable children. I have never been in a hostel myself - I have been very fortunate - but as sockamnesty suggest this is likely to be a rule anyway. It's common sense.

As OurBlanche says - NOBODY puts knives in a low cupboard.

Thanks very much. :)

You're all right, it is temporary and it will get better. I like to home cook as it's cheaper and I enjoy it, especially for LO, but I'm going to get her a load of pouches/jars and soft fruit and ready meals etc for me so that I won't be in the kitchen of my room for long periods of time and my LO will have to go out more. Poor little thing, the thought of someone wanting see her hurt is killing me. I already have a little routine of taking her out most of the day every other day, but if I don't give her a rest day she gets grumpy and upset. Hopefully we will be housed soon , I could cope when she was tiny and lived in my arms but as she gets bigger and more independent, the guilt grows every day too.. :(

Petal40 - you are right in is frustrating, the second to last person to leave was a pregnant girl who had her baby and was then moved, I guess they deemed her higher priority that me even though we'd been there the same amount of time roughly because she had a tiny one. The last person to leave after that was the woman this girl got kicked out, they don't have a duty to house her now so she won't get anywhere, she has children who don't live with her and I think she was trying to get back on track :(

Maybe I'm not pushing enough, it took them four months to give me my decision when it was actually made straight away nearly, and I was terrified of speaking to them because I was scared they would say I'm not eligible as I worked full time or something. I feel stupid now, maybe I could have done more to be out of here by now. LO's birthday is next month and I just don't want her to be here for it...

Sorry to hear your situation Evie.

Has it ocurred to you that maybe she moved the knives away from her line of sight in order to try and stop the self-harm urge?
It's the only logical reason I can think of. I don't know if she meant it maliciously, but I would definitely move them like someone else said.

Another good idea is to put childlocks plus jingly bells on the handles as this distracts little ones.

Best of luck.

""Hey I've cleaned this cupboard for you as my silly LO is always trying to touch your things and I don't want to be a nuisance!"
Stupid girl that I am even that is making me anxious!""

Are you stupid, is your LO silly? Stop the self depreciating talk.

The Hostel has a duty of Care, which means that if they are housing children, particularly under 3's, then they have to have safety measures/policies/procedures, in place. These include the storage of dangerous items, or safety locks.

You need to address this, straight away.

I'm surprised that she's self harmed in the Hostel and isn't under some sort of supervision, as part of the required risk assessment.

You and your little one have the right to be safe, don't apologise for that.

""Why can't you get out of there, honestly start working and save a deposit and a month in advance rent""

It takes more than a months deposit to start a Tenancy, without a buffer, the OP could find herself in the exact same circumstances, but at an age that her DD knows what's going on.

what more does it take than 2 months rent up front ? She's clearly not going to be able to go through an agency so gumtree it is, that's got to be the best bet surely ? And if you're out at work all day and the little one is fed and entertained at nursery, that's less time around this strange person. Better for all concerned.

I wouldn't feel comfortable around her, especially after that clearly calculated incident with the knives in the cupboard. Trust your gut instincts and if you feel like she's being malicious then watch her like a hawk. Better to be safe than sorry. Do put safety things on the cupboards too and check them often that she hasn't removed or tampered with them. She sounds like a nightmare.

Pisssssedoff you could be a bit more sympathetic! OP is in a very difficult situation, and getting a job while you have a one year old isn't exactly easy, let alone saving up two months worth of rent! Be realistic, instead of guilt tripping people.
OP I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sounds very very hard. I think this person at best doesn't care if your daughter hurts herself, and at worst is trying to make it happen. Either way the management need to know about your concerns, and they have a duty of care to you. Sending you all my best wishes for a quick solution!

I'm entirely sympathetic she needs to get the hell out of there, the council may or may not house her that's a possibility but I'd be trying to control my circumstances the best I could and getting the baby into nursery and out of that environment is the best bet alround

How you start the child at nursery without a deposit/first months fees if you can't start the job until the child starts nursery? It's not as simple as "put the child in nursery and start work"

She is a bully and she's picked you as her next target. She is clearly nuts and trying to provoke a row. It's a very difficult situation and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job dealing with it. All I can suggest is:

1. Never apologise to her / show any sign of weakness, that seems to encourage bullies.
2. If you can avoid a row, do. I think she wants one / may hope to use it against you. Stay as calm as you can and try to avoid her.
3. Make a formal complaint asap, stating that she deliberately moved dangerous items from a safe place to a cupboard she often sees your one year old open, and that she has removed your attempt to 'childproof' it. State that you are holding the manager responsible for the safety of your child and they need to be aware that a drug user with mental health problems seems to be targeting her. Give other examples of drug use / odd behaviour if you can.
4. Put whatever pressure you can to get yourself moved. Keep saying calmly "my child is no longer safe here, you are responsible for her safety, how are you going to resolve this?"
5. Find out if there is any kind of policy regarding where dangerous items should be stored in common areas. If there is, ask hostel manager to remind her of it and of no drug use.

Good luck. You are in a tough situation which will be over soon and are doing an amazing job dealing with it. xxx

I've never paid fees in advance for a nursery ... Nor has anyone I know with young children, is this a new thing. Apologies if it is.

Thank you so much boiling and others, I have a little update.

The girl came downstairs and was quite upset, apparently the cleaners had left her a nasty note and I consoled her a bit. On the back of this, I opened the freshly cleaned cupboard and said pretty much what I said on this thread I would say to her, and she moved her stuff!

I don't know how she felt about it as my LO was napping and said I needed to get back to her, but hopefully that will be it. She still has some concerning behaviour apart from this and I am wary about the complaints. From some of the stuff she has told me about the woman she got kicked out in a gossipy way, I am still worried she might has some kind of problem with compulsive /pathological lying and don't want pressure from the council about anything on top if what is already not an ideal situation.

Pisssseddoff, I would love to have private rented but unfortunately I live in the south East where rent is expensive and competitive. Private landlords, through agencies or not, are less willing to accept Housing benefit top ups, require 6 weeks deposit and rent in advance (so about £2k) plus administration fees of around £360 plus extra for a guarantor. They also take earnings into account and I was told while pregnant that I didn't earn enough, it wasn't about credit.

A private nursery, which is the only option for me, is 850 - 1050 a month (the one my heart is set on is the higher end) and require nursery fees up front.

I worked full time before I went on maternity leave and have a job to go back to, and I am indeed returning next month, 2 weeks after my LO'S birthday. What little I have in savings will have to go on paying the childcare fees, and if for some reason they mess my tax credits up I will be well and truly screwed.

It would take me ages to save for private rent, and while my circumstances are less than ideal and sometimes the guilt of my beautiful girl not having her own nursery and space etc cripples me with guilt most days, but I feel like I'm the best mum I can be to her and I love her more than anything. I am only in this place because the council have said they have a duty to house me, so i WILL get somewhere even if it's agony to wait, and even if I could have saved for private rent I'd have had nowhere to stay in the interim anyway.

Sorry for sounding defensive, truth is I do judge myself a lot for being in this situation. I'm young and never thought things would be this way, but we are so content together I'm hoping that's what she will remember, not the fact a dodgy woman once put knives in a drawer where she could reach :(

I've never paid fees in advance for a nursery ... Nor has anyone I know with young children, is this a new thing. Apologies if it is.

DS went to 2 nurseries, childminder then after school club, all of which needed to be paid in advance, its the norm.

The way I would look at it is you'll be out of there soon one way or another, shit happens, you'll look back on this blip and it'll drive you forward.
I'd just go out every day between now and the end of May leave and stay away as much as you can. Good luck x

Well my DS started one at the beginning of June and I got a bill at the end of his first month. I've never heard of anything so ridiculous

I wouldn't want to be living in a situation like this at all. She may be doing what she is maliciously but OTOH some people who don't have children are clueless about things like this especially if she has issues and possibly no common sense.

Yeah that's what I thought Lottie, and am glad I didn't escalate further. O feel sad for the poor girl because I think she may suffer from bad mood swings and doesn't really know how to cope, I'm glad I didn't end up making things difficult with the council or anyone for her.

That's really interesting, the nursery I want to send LO to is close to my work and the fees for full time is £1045 . It says quite clearly in their terms and conditions that this include all meals nappies and infant formula and must be paid in advance at the beginning of each month.

To be fair pisssssedoff not sure how it is where OP is but where I live when you are placed in a homeless shelter while waiting for a house they charge a shocking amount of rent unless you are getting housing benefit.

So if Op was to go and get a full time job, not only would she have that rent to pay, she would also have childcare for a nearly 1 year old plus save up a deposit and first months rent. You make it sound so easy, in reality though, not that easy!

Op must be awful for you, really hope you get out of there soon.

But regardless of that, it doesn't change the fact that a private landlord will not accept me on my own. I earn a few K over minimum wage but on my own it's still not enough. And really, I have been here so long that I don't see the point in giving up the opportunity to be securely housed at the last hurlde. I have been there well over 6 months and a girl with two daughters had been there by far the longest before me. She was there 7 months.

I feel guilty enough without being made to feel there's an easy way out of this situation that I have chosen not to take.

Mummytofour, thanks very much I'm sure I will :)

And you are absolutely right, full rent in this place is £182 a week, plus a service charge. My FT wage is just high enough that I would have to pay, as the housing officer put it, "the full whack".