Whose "job" is it?

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

DD is 5 months old. I take her regularly to see my parents as I have a good relationship with them and they live close to us.

DH barely sees his mum-it's a very strange relationship. She wasn't bothered about us until DD was born and even then seems to only want to see DD by herself and not with us there.

DH says it's my job, not his, to make sure DD sees his mum-I don't feel comfortable visiting by myself because she's not always been very nice to me and spends a lot of time trying to force me to leave DD with her overnight which I'm lot ready for. She never rings us or comes to visit-just expects us to take DD to her.

So my AIBU is- AIBU to think it's not upto me to make sure MIL sees DD?

I wouldn't do that. I'd speak to him about what HE can do to make things better. That really won't work if he is the family scapegoat. He will have absolutely no coping mechanism for that request! He may just feel that OP is joining the ranks of those who make his life a misery.

As others have said, it isn't weakness, it is a childhood of being shoved into a preconceived space. We all have a blindspot when it comes to our families, if your family has never chosen to put you in your place and keep you there, you can have no idea how hard it is to break that habit.

It took me running moving away at 17, not contacting them at all for 3 years (they made zero effort to find me) to realise I wasn't who they had decided I was!

If you have already told him that you don't want to visit his mother on your own, because she isn't very pleasant to you, and puts a lot of pressure on you to do sleepovers, etc, then I would leave it at that.

If you haven't already made that clear, then do so, and I would suggest a time when you might all go together to visit. He can't expect you to go, if he doesn't want to go, himself.

If she were a pleasant person, (even if you didn't particularly like her because you found her a bit boring, say) then I would agree with him that it seems reasonable that you make an effort to visit her, as you probably have more time to do so. But she's not.

DH says it's my job, not his, to make sure DD sees his mum

Unless she is still attached to you by umbilical cord, he's mistaken.

I wouldn't do that. I'd speak to him about what HE can do to make things better. That really won't work if he is the family scapegoat. He will have absolutely no coping mechanism for that request! He may just feel that OP is joining the ranks of those who make his life a misery.

If his relationship is that strained with his mum then I wouldn't be encouraging any contact with my child at all! What if DD becomes the lesser grandchild?!

Honestly OP just say to your DP that it's not your place to maintain the GC/GP relationship and if DP doesn't feel he can do it either then the ball is in her court. She knows where you are.

Doesn't sound like DD is missing out on too much...

It is his job to facilitate contact with his mother.

It sounds though as though neither of you are comfortable with her.

If he (yes, he) arranged the odd visit you would go together with your DD, and would be mutually supporting each other.

My DH was not the favoured child of his family. His brother was. We know what that feels like. It always worked better when we were both there. He did the arranging though. I arranged with my own family.

I'd make it clear to Mil that she is welcome to come to you both but I wouldn't make the effort myself. Sounds like she isn't that interested.

As for your dh it's an excuse to put it on you rather then deal with the crap mess. Which isn't fair but I can see why he thinks it's easier because it is...for him.

Mil should come to you at the weekend and prove to her son she is interested. Your dh should stop blaming you and expecting this.

"Judy he had an amazing relationship with his gm and he wants the same for DD. His gm was a lovely woman and it's really since she died that mil became difficult. I think gm kept her in check tbh."

"Blanche that makes a lot of sense. He has always been treated as second to sil-I've seen it for years and he's told me things that happened when he was a child. It's partly why he was so close to his gm-she adored him as much as he did her."

I think it might be worth gently pointing out to him that your daughter cannot have the same amazing relationship with her grandmother that he had, because his mother simply isn't on a par with his grandmother. It does sound to me that this isn't 'laziness' on his part but the result of his childhood .

It might be best all round if you 'take charge' here - relieve him of the responsibility/pressure/Fear-Obligation-Guilt. Start afresh. It's nobody's job to take DD to MIL. If MIL makes you feel unwelcome, don't go. She wants to see DD, she can visit; and she can be told to play nice. Bluntness is your friend when dealing with a person like this. Stop seeing yourself as her DIL - for the purposes of her seeing your DD, you are 'The Mother and The Gatekeeper'. She plays nice with you or she fucks off. It's not going to be easy to implement, she's going to kick off and he's going to panic, but I think it will give you the best long-term result.

You need to protect your daughter from a woman who would treat her son as she has. You don't owe her - she made her bed when she fucked up her relationship with her son, she can damned well lie on it.

I suspect it hasn't dawned on him that he had an amazing relationship with his GM because she was a much nicer woman than his mum and she was filling in for the deficiencies of his mum.

Sadly for him, his mum isn't his GM and isn't going to be capable of being that GM to his kids.

A starting point might be pointing out that his GM was a very different woman - eg you also had a very different pleasant relationship with her, perhaps the difference is in the personalities, not the time spent?

his mother simply isn't on a par with his grandmother This.

OP, have you considered that he actually might not want his mum in his life that much? He's keeping his physical distance from her as much as he can, but she's using your dc as a means of keeping her claws hooked in him.

It isn't easy breaking unhealthy dynamics in families and he's probably stuck in that place between wanting low/no contact with his mum and FOG. Saying it's 'your job' is just him choosing to avoid making a decision about how to deal with his mum.

i would make it easy for him - tell him you will do your job your way. then take charge of laying down the boundaries with mil.

If she wants a relationship with your dc then she has to make an effort - your dc is NOT a possession for her to use in her games.

don't run after her or engage with any histrionics on her part.

i can just imagine the sigh of sweet freedom from your dh when you finally move!