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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Whose "job" is it?

59 replies

Champagneformyrealfriends · 28/08/2016 09:38

DD is 5 months old. I take her regularly to see my parents as I have a good relationship with them and they live close to us.

DH barely sees his mum-it's a very strange relationship. She wasn't bothered about us until DD was born and even then seems to only want to see DD by herself and not with us there.

DH says it's my job, not his, to make sure DD sees his mum-I don't feel comfortable visiting by myself because she's not always been very nice to me and spends a lot of time trying to force me to leave DD with her overnight which I'm lot ready for. She never rings us or comes to visit-just expects us to take DD to her.

So my AIBU is- AIBU to think it's not upto me to make sure MIL sees DD?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 28/08/2016 10:10

Just no. Some things don't need further discussion. She is your relative, so she is your responsibility. Done.

Chickoletta · 28/08/2016 10:11

No way! Be open to her coming to see your DD if she makes the effort but there's no reason why you should go out of your way to arrange visits to someone who's been hostile and unpleasant.

happypoobum · 28/08/2016 10:11

YANBU.

Don't bother contacting MIL. If she is too toxic/troublesome for DH then why expose your child to her? And all this bollocks about having her to themselves is creepy.

Keep your head down. Tell DH MIL is welcome to come and visit DD, she just has to arrange it. With DH.

Wolpertinger · 28/08/2016 10:12

His mother, his responsibility.

If she wants to see the child, she has to realise that the route to it, is via it's parents - ie she has to be nice to both of you and put the effort in, so going round, building up a relationship with you the mum, proving to you she's trustworthy with a baby and so on.

She can't expect to be rude to the mum and that mum to then be delighted to hand over her PFB for overnights.

A general rule is if she's too toxic for adults, she's too toxic for children.

Trifleorbust · 28/08/2016 10:13

And also, what is he going to do if it doesn't get done? It doesn't have to affect you at all. It's between him and his mum.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 28/08/2016 10:14

If neither of you want to spend time with her, are you sure that maintaining contact between her and your child is a good idea? I don't know why neither of you feels comfortable with her (and I'm not asking, I'm sure you have your reasons) but it does seem like she is controlling you. Is she able to come and visit her grandchild?

I'd cut your husband some slack, personally. If she is controlling and there is a long history there, it can be hard to break free completely. Perhaps you could talk about why he feels so reluctant to go and work from there- either agree not to go at all or only go together so you can support each other.

Original poster
Champagneformyrealfriends · 28/08/2016 10:14

Thanks everyone for your replies! I am completely open to her visiting if she wants to-she sees SIL's children at least 4 times a week and tbf they adore her but she has a much better relationship with sil than DH.

OP posts:
BombadierFritz · 28/08/2016 10:14

is she actually going to be a good influence in your childs life? doesnt sound it so far

and just tell her straight _no sleepovers til age 8/25/whatever you fancy

TheHuntingOfTheSarky · 28/08/2016 10:18

Gah. YANBU. Just because he became your husband doesn't mean she became your Mum.

My husband is like this - he has a weird relationship with his parents which he's never properly explained to me. He barely speaks to them when they visit and I am left to make all the effort because otherwise it's awkward as fuck. I like my in-laws thankfully and the children adore them, but I see it as ridiculously childish behaviour on his part, and tell him so frequently!

MLGs · 28/08/2016 10:21

Rubbish. Totally his job.

somekindofmother · 28/08/2016 10:29

Champagne, I could have written this and all your replies! DH said it was my responsibility to visit his mum in the week so he didn't have to go at weekends!! if I didn't go MIL would call him and say I was 'keeping the children from her' and he'd lay it on thick with me about taking ds1 to see her. I'd go and she'd slate my parenting and do weird stuff like take the baby and go and sit in the other room leaving me on my own etc

eventually I just told DH that he had to go on weekend cos I wasn't going anymore without him. or she had to come to us. she wouldn't come to us and subsequently only saw ds1 about once a month for just over a year.

after ds2 came along I did visit occasionally, she only came to us the day after he was born. but now I make DH go alone or we all go sometimes. we are moving 250miles away on Tuesday and in the last 2 months she's visited more than she has the entire 5years previously Hmm

it's definitely your OHs responsibility to visit his mother. build it into the weekend so you get some you time. DH would take ds1 on a Sunday morning for breakfast, so I could have a lie in and get up and have a shower in peace etc

Original poster
Champagneformyrealfriends · 28/08/2016 10:30

Thehunting we used to go out for tea with mil and her husband every now and again and if I didn't make conversation nobody spoke.

Bombardier I do worry about the influence she'll have. She's a complete drama llama-everything goes on Facebook. it's exhausting!

OP posts:
Original poster
Champagneformyrealfriends · 28/08/2016 10:33

Somekind gosh that does sound similar! We have the issue with babysitting where she offers to look after her so we can go out for a meal but it has to be at her house. DD goes to bed at 7 so it wouldn't work unless dd slept there Hmm

Good luck with the move Flowers

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 28/08/2016 10:33

if you and your dh don't make the effort to visit her and let her bond with your dd don't complain in 2,3,4 years time when she favours her other dgc.

If you want her to have a relationship with your dd, sit down and discuss it. Maybe you can take her once during the week for a couple of hours and dh can take her for a couple of hours one day at the weekend and give you some time to yourself. Agree when you will both be happy with overnighters so you know before she asks.

JudyCoolibar · 28/08/2016 10:34

Why does he want your child to see his mother if he doesn't want to see her?

Arfarfanarf · 28/08/2016 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Champagneformyrealfriends · 28/08/2016 10:37

Weall that's a good point thank you. She did tell me when I was pregnant that "you're never as close to your sons children as you are your daughters" and I did find that quite upsetting. My gm doesn't bother with my siblings and me and it's always stung.

I'll speak to DH about what we can do to make things better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Champagneformyrealfriends · 28/08/2016 10:39

Judy he had an amazing relationship with his gm and he wants the same for DD. His gm was a lovely woman and it's really since she died that mil became difficult. I think gm kept her in check tbh.

OP posts:
clam · 28/08/2016 10:40

I'd deal with this by doing precisely nothing. Tell him no, it's his job to organise seeing his mother at weekends, and sit back and wait.

Just because he says something, doesn't mean you have to obey.

OurBlanche · 28/08/2016 10:44

DH clearly has a difficult relationship with his mother and is off-loading the anxiety of the situation onto you. It's not fair on you at all, but it's very unhelpful for others to say that DH is just being lazy.

My DH had a shit relationship with his DM. I didn't know and sort of forced him into contact just by agreeing to visit, Sunday lunch etc. It took years before her managed to get passed all his fears, insecurities, to tell me why he didn't enjoy it, why he left it to me to make such arrangements.

I stopped. I was horrified at how much pressure I had inadvertantly placed on him It certainly explained his anger, coldness etc. He had every right not to want to see them and just couldn't verbalise it.

Have you managed to have a clam conversation about it? I know that every time I tried to talk to DH he felt I was adding pressure, forcing him to play happy families, and he really resented it and sometimes took it out on me as he had no way of addressing the root of his unhappiness.

If your DH has always been the 'lesser' child he may have no way of dealing with his feelings and his brusque, bullying stance might be the only way he can deal with it. You are more loved, safer to refuse than his DM...

I know that sounds odd, but DH still struggles with his feelings of guilt, unworth when it comes to his family - he is 52 and can still be reduced to a teen by his siblings. Hence the complete NC since his DMs death!

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 28/08/2016 10:45

His mother, his job

Original poster
Champagneformyrealfriends · 28/08/2016 10:53

Blanche that makes a lot of sense. He has always been treated as second to sil-I've seen it for years and he's told me things that happened when he was a child. It's partly why he was so close to his gm-she adored him as much as he did her.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2016 10:56

ToFindAndWakeTheDreamer
There is a bit of a bias here on MN against sons of emotionally challenging mothers. There's a gender stereotype that presents men like this as emotionally feeble and even selfish, the assumption being that "real" men should be able to stand up to their mother irrespective of how controlling she was during childhood. That attitude is basically victim blaming.

Its nice to know that I am not the only one that sees it this way.

Champagneformyrealfriends

How about if she wants a relationship its her "job".

TheGreatDessert · 28/08/2016 10:57

I'll speak to DH about what we can do to make things better.

I wouldn't do that. I'd speak to him about what HE can do to make things better.

Grandchildren generally only have great relationships with grandparents who are enthusiastic about spending time with them. If she can't be bothered to visit then she won't be that grandparent.

OurBlanche · 28/08/2016 10:58

That might be a good place to start... DH was so very defensive for many years. Then, one day, he lost his temper at something my DF did. I luaghed and said something like "We both have shit parents. Maybe that's why we get on"

That seemed to be an eye opener for both of use. We have agreed to follow each others lead now... and to pipe up if we see family influences at work. Though, even knowing what a prize basted my own DF can be, I am still caught by some of DHs observances. We really do find it hard to overcome the conditioning of our childhoods, it seems!