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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask you who is BU?

60 replies

Onthedowns · 27/08/2016 17:15

I am currently stuck in the middle of my DH and DSIS and DM and finding it hard. I have 4 year old just about to start school and 6 month old. My DSIS had two children 6 and 4 another one on the way. My parents lucky enough to own house abroad which we have used I past along with rest of family. We are trying to sort out next years holidays we will be restricted to school holidays. My DSIS is favourited and parents provide a lot of childcare, next year they will be away for whole summer , as my DSIS will be on mat leave and won't need childcare. (I might but it's their prerogative). We were discussing looking at flights to go see parents next summer when DM pipes up that DSIS will be there the whole 6 weeks along with children, dbil will be for two weeks this makes trying to visit difficult as only 3 bedrooms not enough room. I tried speaking to DSIS who isn't sure of dates flying yet and waiting for cheap flights to come out. DH is angry as he thinks it's selfish as no one esle can affectively visit and neither of them have thought about my children seeing grandparents or us fitting holiday in school holiday time, effectively a cheaper holiday too. He also thinks it's weird that dbil won't see his children including 5 month old baby for a month. I am stuck I see both sides but also peed off that DSIS gets favourited again and my parents don't care if me and my children don't see them for 3 months. It's convinent that they provided childcare for my DSIS this whole summer holiday and stayed at home but next year bugger off. It's creating a lot of tension please help!

OP posts:

poorbuthappy · 27/08/2016 18:11

I think you need the support of other people who have toxic families. There's a load of people on here who can help.
Your family don't sound particularly nice to me and I think you need some support getting your head round this in order to move on with your kids and DH.

Cel982 · 27/08/2016 18:13

I think you're best to be honest. You don't have anything to lose. "It's clear by the way you're facilitating DSIS at my expense that seeing my kids this summer isn't a priority for you. It's really hurtful to be treated as second best by your own parents." Then book a cheap week in the sun. Let them decide if they're going to make more of an effort in future.

diddl · 27/08/2016 18:24

What about Easter/half terms?

I an see your husband being pissed off at GPs not being interested in his kids, but how long BIL & SIL are apart for is hardly his concern.

Your sister can also only be selfish if she's enabled by your parents.

How big are the rooms?

Would your sister & hers all fit in a bedroom & you, your husband & your kids all fit in one?

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 27/08/2016 18:26

They aren't prioritising your sister if they have suggested you go as well. It's not their fault that you think it will be too crowded, they don't.

You chose to put your DD into nursery, your sister didn't. Again, your choice.

The voicemail thing wasn't nice to hear :(

DoreenLethal · 27/08/2016 18:28

A year ago my DM was caught slagging my parenting skills off on a voicemail she had accidentally recorded. She was with my sister and auntie. It was left on my phone

Did you have a thread about this as I remember this happening to someone. You need to cut loose and start doing your own thing.

DeathStare · 27/08/2016 18:43

OK.... having read your replies I think you have two options.

The first is to be very direct with your parents. ie Mum and dad we would love to come and visit you and spend time with you, but to do so we need to book the flights. When we approach this with you it seems as though you aren't that interested in spending any time with us and are actually only concerned about when DSis can visit. If we have go this wrong please could we set some dates now before we lose the flights?

The second is to accept it for what it is and cut your losses. I know it's really hurtful when parents show such favouritism with one child - we are are in the same position with the PIL. If they had a holiday home abroad we would be in the exact same situation as you in that they really wouldn't give a toss whether we visited as long as they didn't have to spend more than a second away from SIL. It has really hurt my DP over a very long time period and now he is at the stage of just accepting it for what it is and not asking them any more. Have some - I know how shitty it is. Just remember this is a reflection on them and their inadequacies, not on you.

LuluJakey1 · 27/08/2016 18:56

Honestly, don't bother with it. They are not sounding very nice and you can do without it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/08/2016 19:01

"I get this but actually putting this all into practice is very hard I am the one that ends up taking the blame"
What blame? From who? Your parents? Your totally shitty parents?

"If I remove myself then my children miss out"
Yes - they miss out on being taught by their grandparents that they are not as important as their cousins. They miss out on being taught to accept their lower status. I bloody hope they do miss out.

"I am currently stuck in the middle of my DH and DSIS and DM and finding it hard."
Well stop it. You should not be in the middle. You should be shoulder to shoulder with your husband, because your mother and sister are treating you badly.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 27/08/2016 19:08

Thank you. I put my dd in nursery as I couldn't deal with the uncertainty of when they are around to look after and not. My DSIS has more funds and is a nurse they bend over backward to facilitate. Yes I did do s thread last year. We would have to have dd in our bed and DS in a travel cot. Then my DSIS and three children somehow in a room. DSIS is aware it's not just parents, if boot was on other foot she would kick up. I also find it hard as they are not my biological parents and feel I owe them

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedowns · 27/08/2016 20:30

It's really hard as as soon as we don't join in anything family we get shunted

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 27/08/2016 21:39

Onthedowns You owe them nothing. They are adults and they chose to parent you, they are now showing their true colours favoring your SIS. Stop trying so hard, it's their loss, book a nice little holiday for your own family and enjoy your children.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 27/08/2016 21:48

I know everything your saying makes sense I just find it hard as I have no other family and I often wonder if it's me or if the stuff that goes on is normal? They have always treated me very well and almost equal somethings have happened but I let them slide. I have always got on fantastically well with brothers and sisters but cracks begin to show. Then if any issues it's normally thrown in my face.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedowns · 28/08/2016 00:51

Haven't been able to sleep as thinking about this!

OP posts:

amprev · 28/08/2016 01:05

Unless I'm missing something, there isn't actually any time during the 6 weeks holiday that you can comfortably visit due to your DSis staying there for the whole of the holidays. It wouldn't be much of a holiday with you all in one room anyway so this would be reason enough for me to have the conversation explaining why you feel it wouldn't work to visit when everyone is going to be there. Surely your parents and sister will have the logical and obvious thought process after hearing this that your sister staying for 6 weeks is effectively denying your family of a holiday with grandparents? What is stopping you from having a frank conversation with sister about how her having a long holiday is making it difficult on a practical level for your family to go? I know it's your family but to an outsider I wouldn't choose to spend my family holiday with them. I think if you could work out a way of not being hurt by their behaviour (easier said than done) then you would feel liberated by holidaying independently.

incywincybitofa · 28/08/2016 01:08

Trust me been there
Walk Away from the cheap holiday idea you wont enjoy it anyway and will be vowing never again by day 3.
Your sister and her kids will monopolize your parents
Your parents will begrudge the extra strain your family brings whilst they are caring for your sister and her baby and young child as she is all alone
They wont notice any positives you and your family bring
The cousins will bicker
Your sister will bring you down and play the lone parent martyr

My other tip is don't expect your parents to be your childcare for lots of reasons including that they are your sister's childcare but be the dignified independent one and sort out something else for your family

incywincybitofa · 28/08/2016 01:11

Oh and you don't owe them! You just don't owe them anything
They made a choice to be your parents and you have no reason to be grateful and they have no reason to expect gratitude, any child of theirs is raised by them by choice biological or not.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 28/08/2016 05:11

Thank you I know your all speaking the truth but I feel torn mainly because of my children. They love to see nanny and grandad when they are home. It's sad. The whole family are going to France during half term too in May parents are then driving on to holiday home so effectively end of May to September. both sisters brother and they don't get we can't do both. Money isn't an issue for them but we have to choose as work being done on the house. I feel I need to explain I am hurt about summer situation but it gets back on me how they offered to for us to stay but in reality it will be too squashed. If I say anything to my sister she gets the knock . They are all biological and I didn't think it made a difference but maybe it does. The more I pull away from the family the more I get the blame. My dd loves her cousins too

OP posts:

tigertreats · 28/08/2016 05:24

Honestly I think it's weird your sister is going there for so wrong - marriage problems? Could it be your mom knows this?

Go away somewhere else. If they query just explain you were told tyre would be no room.

Your dh sounds lovely . Concentrate on people who make you feel good, it sounds like your family stress you.

tigertreats · 28/08/2016 05:24

So long!

Original poster

Onthedowns · 28/08/2016 05:34

No marriage problems my sister just doesn't want to be stuck at home with 3 young children on her own, as parents will be away for whole summer anyway. Dbil loves working and isn't that hands on so suits him fine! I find it odd but won't comment

OP posts:

tigertreats · 28/08/2016 05:36

No people don't like those comments !!

Sorry they are like this to you. Probably too wrapped up in their own stuff to realise (often the case) but still not nice.

incywincybitofa · 28/08/2016 09:40

I do think in a lot of families there is the "needy" child and the child they feel can just get on with things, and this carries on into adulthood, so I doubt that it is the biological link that is causing your parents to pamper your sister in this way, they probably just see her as less capable than you.

Whatever the cause though, your family holiday is a very special time and you should plan to get the most out of it, which may mean not seeing your family until they return in September but equally having a relaxed summer holiday elsewhere

Original poster

Onthedowns · 28/08/2016 17:46

Thanks we are looking at options do you think I should say how I feel?

OP posts:

tigertreats · 28/08/2016 17:56

Yes. If only because you might feel better after!

Original poster

Onthedowns · 28/08/2016 18:01

I think that but then it always gets thrown back at me! Jealousy etc

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