For my ex to do some bloody childcare

[Pisssssedofff]

He still nearly three years after we split doesn't have anywhere to live so that's a story in itself, looks like he's about to start cocklodging again though.
I want to move forward in my career, I work full time the kids and I are out the door at 7.30am each morning for school. Drop the little one at breakfast club the older ones go to Starbucks - about £9 a day for that alone. They then all get a taxi home - again - £15 per night for that.
Ex doesn't work Monday's so proposes to take them for tea every other Monday but he'll let me know if something comes up and he can't. I wanted him to pick them up after school on a Friday when it's his weekend and he will, but he'll charge me £35 a week to do so, therefore I will loose £140 per month for this favour every other weekend.
Is it me ? Honestly am I asking too much ?

Your kids could help our way more than they are, this eldest and her unwillingness to help out is costing you hundreds!

All of them are old enough to step up a bit/a little/a lot depending on age.

Sit them all down, and present what needs to happen and divvy it up.

Perhaps ask a neighbour or local friend to act as a back up in case things to get too much for the eldest, but at the end of the day, the kids need to stop hampering the family by playing up or shirking, while you are working your arse off.

Don't expect anything from the ex. The kids will see through him if they haven't already.

You're right too Hissy, we've had and continue to have conversations about this.

He is their father!
Why should he not collect them from school on a day that he is not working?
Money shouldn't even enter into it IMO.

Presumably the OP is doing, and paying for, everything else.

It sounds an impossible situation OP, and very frustrating.
Pity the school can't be more help.

The huge cost of travel is another reason why it is so annoying when children can't get places in their local schools.

He's not going to provide for his children, you must know this as you use the term cock lodging.
It's really not worth chasing him and hard as it is come to terms with the fact it's solely down to you to provide.

If your dc are too old for childcare can they not get to school on a school bus, ours are very reasonable a few pound a week.
Can they go to the library at school, do homework etc.
I wouldn't pay money for Starbucks and taxis

Pisssssed, but he probably sees it as he is doing the amount mandated by his current level of CSA, and if he does more, then (according to the current rules) his CSA payment will go down to reflect his percentage of parenting.

Not saying that anything about the rules and the acceptance that absent fathers are let off parenting is fair, but if that's how it is set up, then he is sort of right - him stepping up to do more means he gets to give you less money in recompense for the parenting he is taking on in your absence/ when you are unable to do it.

The whole thing sucks, but tbh you are better off deciding whether the money or the increased parenting is more important to you, if it isn't possible for you to retain both the money and the extra support.

This is the thing, if he got his shot together instead of relying on some other poor cow who no doubt has her own stuff to deal with, then having them on the Friday night in addition to the Saturday would be no big deal would it

Pont - I wouldn't mind if say it was divided by 7 and then reduced by each day, that would be fine but for the banding to assume 102 nights I think it is when in fact it's right at the bottom of the scale at 54 is Wholey unfair.

The man gets more holiday than me and 12 days per fortnight to himself but unless there's financial gain for him he won't help out. He's a tit, I am well rid.

Are your DC eligible for free school meals?

If so, might you be able to get some help with transport costs/bus fares?

Would another parent at secondary or primary school transport them in return for petrol money - if it is only temporary that might work.

I do agree that your 16 year old needs to grow up and help a bit.

Fighting in the street is completely unacceptable and a reality check plus stiff talking to is in order.

Gilly I don't get home until 7 I can't expect them to sit in a library for 4 hours with a 6 year old to entertain like a bunch of hobo's can I ? The taxi is the best bet really.

No I earn a decent salary frogs.
The fighting was 2.5 years ago but even so worries me sick, the eldest has kicked the youngest not so many months ago that I'm over it yet.

I meant in the morning OP, sorry.
I was referring to the older ones in the morning.

Oh I see, nothing is open before 8.30am and I have to be on the train by 8.04. I suppose they could take a slow walk through the park to school but I just worry they either won't go or something happens to them and if it's pissing down which it often is it just seems unfair. They didn't ask for this shit and I'm working to improve our lives but the truth is they will have left home before the rewards are reaped. It's all shit post divorce.

Is there any way you can shift the sleeping arrangements to accommodate an au pair?

You say you have made an offer on a house? How long a period are you looking at before/if you can move?

My neighbour's husband left her and she managed with au pairs for about 10 years. I am sure it wasn't easy, but she did the right thing keeping her job and working full time.

We have managed with mattresses on floors and 3 in a room before now - it can work as long as it is temporary.

Oh.
It really is shit isn't it.

If I was anywhere near you I would come and help you myself.

I don't know what to suggest.

So sorry my love, you don't deserve this.
I do think you can rely on the dc more than you believe, but it can't be easy making them fend for themselves after what they have been through, but it might do them some good.
I would speak to the eldest and ask if she can help out a bit more.
I understand you couldn't pay her but maybe offer other things none monetary.

Assuming he doesn't piss me around any more over the financial's, 3 years I've been waiting for him to sort that out, Friday is D day and then I can get my mortgage offer.
It's all very well saying I'm trying to control him post divorce but he is controlling me by stopping me moving on job wise with lack of pulling his weight and keeping me waiting on proceeds of house, this should have been done three years ago but his dragged it out and fucked up both our credit ratings along the way. He interferes with my life far more than I attempt to his (by forcing him to parent 🙄), poor wee mite.
Anyway thank you for letting me vent lol

Is a child minder for the little one really not an option?

In the mornings he's in breakfast club and in the evenings it doesn't really help tbh, he's better off jumping in the taxi with the others otherwise it adds another 15 mins to both our days at 7pm. But thank you, I honestly think I've considered it all

You have my total sympathy. I have a similarly arse holey Ex. I rely on him for absolutely zero now.

op I am going to say what I would do if I were you, but I imagine everyone will say it's a ridiculous idea

If I were you and in this shit situation and you really really have exhausted every avenue and cannot find a solution, I would honestly set up a foldaway bedroom in my living room and get an au pair in my actual bedroom. Just on a temporary basis, with in my mind a time frame of just until eldest can drive and take kids to school. You are spending a fortune. I would honestly do it just to ease up on some stress for a few months!

Ex is a waster. You will never be able to rely on him for help.

Many will say why should op give up for bedroom BUT to be honest you have stated your ideal would be an au pair but lack of a another room puts a stop to that.
You've asked a question. And 70+ answered from posters have not seen you able to find a solution, so maybe there isn't one and this could be your only option!

It does sound hard work, and I agree your older ones are capable of doing much more.

On the bus side, have you looked into getting passes instead of paying daily? Ds' is £50 per month and he can travel all over the county. Also, look into getting the oldest an NUS card so they can get student rates and other discounts.

I'd stop waiting for xh to pull his weight. He's the xh for a reason, and this sounds like part of it.

Can younger a teenager to look after your children in the morning until they need school, nd pay them £15-20 a week? Why use a taxi? What about buses?

Sorry, can't really help on the rest, but £24 a day on drinks and taxis is extortionate, and can't be helping with the money situation.

Your ex doesn't want to help...Yes he is their father so should help but its pretty obvious he doesn't want to so stop flogging a dead horse by asking for his help!

He already has him his set nights (52times a year) so in reality he doesn't have to have them anymore as his csa reflects the amount of time spent with him. He doesn't have to help with childcare so you can work...its crappy I know but thats the truth.

You keep saying different things so im not quite sure what the real situation is but it is obvious the situation isn't working and needs changing, as many other posters have said but you dont seem interested in listening.

Sorry, meant to,write, ..can a teenager..

God reading this makes my blood boil, but then we are dealing with a cocklodger parent too. I think those suggesting getting the kids to share a room temporarily so you can get an au pair is a good idea ?

Heart goes out to you as I know the level of stress some tosser like this can cause.