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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For my ex to do some bloody childcare

76 replies

Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 12:03

He still nearly three years after we split doesn't have anywhere to live so that's a story in itself, looks like he's about to start cocklodging again though.
I want to move forward in my career, I work full time the kids and I are out the door at 7.30am each morning for school. Drop the little one at breakfast club the older ones go to Starbucks - about £9 a day for that alone. They then all get a taxi home - again - £15 per night for that.
Ex doesn't work Monday's so proposes to take them for tea every other Monday but he'll let me know if something comes up and he can't. I wanted him to pick them up after school on a Friday when it's his weekend and he will, but he'll charge me £35 a week to do so, therefore I will loose £140 per month for this favour every other weekend.
Is it me ? Honestly am I asking too much ?

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Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 14:33

t4nut. I was hoping he'd do a bit of parenting, you know.

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3littlefrogs · 27/08/2016 14:33

Sorry if you have said this and I can't see it, but how old are your DC?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 14:35

Three are at senior school, one is little.
In theory this time next year the eldest could drive them in and pick them up but I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. Not keen if im honest.

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Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 14:37

I mean yeah I do want him to stop being a dick, get a house or flat and behave like a normal person and help with his kids. I don't think that makes me a bitch from hell nobody could live with does it ?

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3littlefrogs · 27/08/2016 14:54

If the eldest is old enough to drive next year maybe you could offer them some babysitting money to round up and bring the others home by cab.

Why do they go to Starbucks? That is hellishly expensive - could they not go to the local library and do homework?

Any mileage in swapping round/sharing bedrooms so you can get an au pair?

Your ex really is taking the mick - he cannot charge you for looking after his own children - but you are in a very difficult situation.

Have you spoken to anyone connected with pastoral care at either school? They might be able to offer some practical advice/help.

Bus fares are shocking - my older DC went to secondary school just over the borough boundary and had to pay adult fares from 16 onwards. £8.00 a day each. Youngest was lucky enough to get a place in the borough and got half fares up to 18.

What about other parents? Could you split the kids up? Oldest collects little one and middle ones go to friend's house till you finish work?

You have probably thought of all this, but I am just casting around for ideas.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 14:59

That is pretty much what's happening only I'm not paying pocket money to basically do a basic bit of helping out, she does nothing else around the house at all, that's her contribution.
Bedrooms, there's already 5 of us in a three bed house it's not really viable. The more I think about it live in help would be brilliant but there's no value in live out and I cannot see the day when I'll be able to afford another bedroom until the first two move out but when they go the money drops too. (Only of course you are still expected to support them until 21). All feels a bit hard at the moment

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Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 15:01

Starbucks is before school, nowhere else is open at that time in the morning and I know the staff and they will gently say your card needs topping up remind mum tomorrow or if one of them is off sick "oh where's little one today" it's helpful on that level too

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Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 15:03

We are fairly new to the area but equally I read that many threads on here about people "taking the piss" wanting other parents to watch their kids whilst other folk are at work you don't like to ask do you, it's s tricky one I don't know if I would have been happy to watch someone else's child on a regular basis, don't know

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3littlefrogs · 27/08/2016 15:08

Gosh it sounds tough.

It sounds like you have tried everything.

I am sorry you have such difficult schools.

Our secondary schools opened from 8.00 hrs and primary had breakfast club. I didn't realise this wasn't the case everywhere. Sad

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 15:24

The only other solution I can think of is to uproot the kids again but eldest two are adamant that can't happen, GCSEs etc.
If he'd behave like a normal divorced person it wouldnt half help, but then that's why I divorced him

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missbishi · 27/08/2016 15:47

So the three older kids are at secondary school and if the oldest one will be old enough to drive next year then I assume he/she is 16. Do they really need to get a taxi home? You'd free up around £140 a month if they took the bus.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 15:58

I kind of think it's worth it. In our old house they walked and we had the eldest stomping off leaving them, an actual fight, think Bridget Jones - I'm laughing but it wasn't funny really - plus it's two buses and the change is in a dodgy area, the nights are going to start drawing in aren't they soon. Just worries me and I can't do my job if I'm distracted.

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t4nut · 27/08/2016 16:21

Starting to think he's not the problem....

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 16:25

Really T in what way ?
He isn't actually a problem, he's actually irrelevant really as he does nothing he affects nothing but he could help out couldn't he ?

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OhAndIPaintMyselfBlue · 27/08/2016 16:28

Are you the Ex t4nut? OP is doing a sterling job in difficult circumstances.

John4703 · 27/08/2016 16:34

I don't believe it. I'd do anything to see my kids (my ex and I are fine and they were all teens or 20s when we split and they see me as much as we want).

Why the fuck does he care about money? You are offering to let him see his kids for extra days, he should be over the moon, it is so good of you to let him have more time with them.
What sort of person does not love their kids to bits and want to spend as much time as possible with them? Charge the bastard rent for every hour of joy and happiness they give him.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 16:36

He didn't see them for 18 months because he was living with another woman and her 4 kids John. I could write a book tbh.

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3littlefrogs · 27/08/2016 16:36

You didn't say whether you have approached pastoral care at the secondary school?

There must be so many parents in this situation.

Mine used to get the bus home and wait for me from the age of 11 - but it was only one bus and a walk.

Who collects the little one after school? (round here primary finishes before secondary).

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 16:57

The older ones collect the younger one that works out ok. No haven't approached the school. Not sure what they could suggest that hasn't been thought of already really, can hardly ask the teachers to watch them before school. Also they aren't very understanding tbh, had a huge issue last term when they were arriving late, once a week tops due an issue with the youngest, they didn't give a toss tbh just told me to sort it out or else.

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pontificationcentral · 27/08/2016 17:17

But he does already have them for 52 a nights a year? it sounds fairly normal in my experience.
I think your problem is your own arrangements - the Starbucks and the taxis - although the Xh intending to bill you is the icing on this cake...

Have you approached work to see if you can vary your hours to but one or the other expense out? (Start earlier finish earlier, or start later, finish later). Some employers are reasonably happy if you are maintaining your core hours.

As this requested change is to allow you to move forward in your career, would you be getting a pay rise anyway? Would it cover any additional child care you need? Your kids sound as though they are old enough to be taking a little bit more responsibility/ independence in any case - certainly the 16yo. Childcare for this age group usually just means making sure they get home - I haven't used childcare for years now and mine seem to be similar ages.

Has this been precipitated by the fact he is about to move in with another woman again? I can see it would be a time to raise the hackles and try and get him to step up more, but you do seem to be flogging a dead horse here. He has been telling you he is unreliable for years - probably best not to try and rely on him now? Not great to just accept as it is certainly not fair, but really it sounds as though you would be making your own life more difficult by trying to force him to step up?

This will get easier and easier over the next year or so. Most 16yos are more than capable of knocking up dinner for siblings and making sure no one dies. Other people often pay them to do it as babysitters...

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 17:28

I think you're right. I actually have nothing but sympathy for new woman so it really isn't that I promise.
Eldest hates, middle one is amazing though. We'll be fine though just as you say grates a bit

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Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 17:29

Eldest hates kids and people generally atm lol

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t4nut · 27/08/2016 18:27

Blue

Just observing that there seems to be an agreement that he's following, but OP wants more and to be able to control her ex. Obviously didn't work before he was the ex so not sure why she's going down that road now...

So she may well he doing a sterling job solo, but the ex isn't the issue. She has to accept he's sticking to what was agreed and outside that its his life and his choices and it doesn't concern her.

RattataPidgeyRattataPidgey · 27/08/2016 18:43

I think it's rather disingenuous to describe the minimum amount required by the CSA going down due to his nights going up by 50% as him 'wanting to charge you'. Regardless of how unfairly low those minimum payments might be, and how much of a tool he might be on top of that.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 18:49

Do you ? You see it is him charging me when he won't do anything for the children without financial gain for himself

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