To think grief outlasts sympathy

[SudoCremBrulee]

I'm 3+ years past my bereavement (full term stillbirth) and this seems to be the cut off point in people's heads for me - don't know why.

I am not depressed. I am coping. I work hard. I raise my living children. I laugh. I smile. But there is a part of me that is so, so desperately sad still - and always will be.

I've had a rough patch recently where the grief resurfaced and I tried to reach out to my family and talk about my daughter. All I got was a lot of 'isn't it time you moved on?', 'life is for living', 'can't you just try to look at the positives in your life'...'it's been 3 years!'. Almost as if I'm being indulgent or something. My mum even said 'right - enough is enough now Sudo' in what I guess she thought was some tough love.

I just miss her.

And it's bloody isolating sometimes.

My mother grieved for the two babies she lost (one died at birth and one at three months) until she died in her eighties. They were never forgotten and she talked about them sometimes to us children. I still think of them every now and again, they weren't forgotten. My DF and GM and the rest of my DM's family weren't very sympathetic when the babies died my mother said. They were an uncaring lot and had no idea, I can remember them like that too.

You have my sympathy OP for your loss.

You have my sympathies I cannot even begin to fathom your pain.

My grandparents lost three children, one at five to leukaemia, one at a few months old to SIDS and one was still born. There was nine years between my mum and my aunt. My family are from rural Spain and the only photo of the little boy they lost to SIDS was taken at his funeral. They always talked about their children in heaven and my mum named me after her little sister who died of leukaemia.

I know it doesn't compare to a still birth but I had three miscarriages in the two years before my daughter was born in May. I love her so deeply but I will never forget the three babies I lost. The pain will fade, I hope, but the memory will not.

after losing several members of my family over a ten year period its really hard you move on but grief is suitcase you will always carry.Some days it feels light as a feather some days your dragging it

it gets easier as time passes but unless you have a family member/friend that has lost too its hard on your own .

I agree that after a certain amount of time people seem to think you should be 'over it' . I think it's because others are uncomfortable with ongoing grief. I lost my son at just a few weeks old- he would be 19 now and I'm still grieving - not in the intense way as in the early days and I moved on eventually and can laugh and enjoy myself but it's still there and I will miss him till my dying day . I have another son born a year after him who I adore and who made my life worth living again, but he's not a replacement for his brother. A couple of people did say to me when I was pregnant again well at least you are having another as if that would make everything all right. I read a magazine article once about children dying that said a bereaved parent grieves for the rest of their life even if they don't always show it or talk openly about it. I tend to keep a lot of it to myself now and spend his birthday and anniversary on my own quietly remembering him and doing my own thing. Don't let anyone make you feel uncomfortable about remembering and grieving for your baby - she is part of your family and loved and missed and you will never forget her. Hugs

The idea that you 'get over' grief is absolutely barmy. Grief is a type of love, it's your heart's way of holding someone close - why would you ever 'get over' (or want to 'get over') that? What would 'getting over it' look like? That you'd wake up one day and think 'great I don't care about my son/daughter/mum/dad any more'???