To think grief outlasts sympathy

[SudoCremBrulee]

I'm 3+ years past my bereavement (full term stillbirth) and this seems to be the cut off point in people's heads for me - don't know why.

I am not depressed. I am coping. I work hard. I raise my living children. I laugh. I smile. But there is a part of me that is so, so desperately sad still - and always will be.

I've had a rough patch recently where the grief resurfaced and I tried to reach out to my family and talk about my daughter. All I got was a lot of 'isn't it time you moved on?', 'life is for living', 'can't you just try to look at the positives in your life'...'it's been 3 years!'. Almost as if I'm being indulgent or something. My mum even said 'right - enough is enough now Sudo' in what I guess she thought was some tough love.

I just miss her.

And it's bloody isolating sometimes.

Thankyou Sudo...it's funny sometimes isn't it how 'strangers' get you more than your own family/friends... I lost my brother when I was 8 and he was 18... He was one of five brothers...My Mum heard me tell one of my friends years ago that I had four brothers..she went daff and told,ex had five and was never to say I had four again...and funny I never did even though it always caused the evidential question 'oh what happened?' ...I used to get so embarrassed when I was a teenager but now I have my own grown up kids..one with the same condition as my brother I completely understand were my Mum was coming from... I still think of him often...

I also say " I have 2 children at home"

I'm not a mum to 3 because she was taken from me and I don't get to mother her

But I am a mum OF 3.

My DGM had a baby who died at 6 weeks old in the 1920s. I can remember her telling me about her baby in the 1970s. My DGM had 6 other children, but she never forgot or 'got over it'.

OP and I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.

In the extremity of her old age, my great grandmother talked about the child she lost to some minor disease, something curable with a GP visit now

This was some 70+ years after this toddler died

Ever loved, never forgotten.

Grief never ends

Schtoppen and Sudo I really cannot begin to even contemplate how I would deal with losing my child. My entire heart goes out to you both, I feel like I need to hug my Ds a bit closer tonight after reading this thread.

Sudo and Shtoppen I am so so sorry for what you have been and continue to go through.

I agree that sympathy does outlast grief but that it is not right and that people should really think before they speak. I utterly despise these people. They should be told loudly in most cases, to keep their unwanted opinions to themselves . How dare they put a time limit on other peoples grief.

I know people in their 70s and way beyond that are grieving losses from 50 odd years ago . Time means nothing for the directly affected.

Everyone is different and nobody has the right to speak to grieving people with such terrible disrespect. It infuriates me so much and I would drop them like a hot brick, regardless of who they are .

Yes the grief never does end, but we get better at dealing with it. Our ds Alexander would be 6 in November. One of my friends also lost her wee lad Matthew a week later, so we were able to comfort each other sometimes.
Very sorry OP x

Slithy, I totally get that. I always say I have two kids even id itd not true
Though DD1 died at 2. I hate having to deal with other people's awkwardness and sympathy though, so it's much easier although I feel slightly guilty that I'm not making her memory last. DS though tells all and sundry about his eldest sister even though he never knew her.

God Colin I'm so sorry. While I wish with all my heart I could have known dd, I don't think I could survive the pain of losing a child I'd had the privilege of loving and knowing for 2 years.

Life is sodding rotten sometimes

I've never posted here before - I usually just lurk...

I had a full term stillborn son 9.5yrs ago, we have an older son and another son born after. I think my personality disappeared along with my son, I became a boring version of who I was before. My two closest friends stuck it out for a couple of years, but I haven't seen either of them for a very long time now. Other friends tried, but I have a tendency to make plans with them and then get anxious and make excuses at the last minute. Everyone loses patience eventually and it's totally understandable. There's definitely a time limit on sympathy and understanding, and people just don't know what to say. One friend, when we were struggling to decide on a name for our youngest son, actually suggested we just reuse our stillborn son's name, as it didn't really get used properly... I'm certain she didn't mean to hurt me, but I avoided her after that.

Absolutely agree that one of the most difficult questions is how many children do we have - I also feel that I'm denying his existence if I only mention my 2 living sons, but am very aware that it's awkward for everyone if I explain in full.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter OP, and to all the others on here who have lost loved ones

I'm sorry for everyone on this thread who has lost someone precious and felt this soul destroying grief.

Xxxx

I'm am so sorry, Sudo, that your daughter died.

I lost my husband and the only thing more painful, I think, would be a child.

I have recieved a lot of support, but yes, I have noticed lately that the amount of sympathy expressed is trailing off. I think that acknowledging grief and pain is difficult, so people grab onto any reason they can to comfort themselves with the thought that we've 'moved on'.

Moved on, ugh. Hate that expression, and hate that people say it in relation to my late husband regarding my new relationship.

I was thinking the other day that a new relationship after losing ones spouse probably elicits similar reactions that bereaved parents get if they have another child. But of course we can never replace them, and while it's possible to find happiness again, the bone-deep grief never goes away.

I still get sympathy - but it's not quite two years yet. (Dreading that date). But I no longer get many people asking me about DH, or sharing memories of him, which I find incredibly hard. In fact, if people realise the grief is especially bad that day, they often tell me to distract myself, or to put away what ever has triggered the grief. When what I want is the opposite - to talk about what I loved about him and what annoyed me about him and how much I miss him, and to cry and for that to be okay. It's hard to ask for that in the middle of feeling so sad, though. And I do ah e a few people who realise that and do it.

Thank you for starting this thread - it's good to talk about this, however hard it is.

In defense of your Mum, still births are at their lowest rate ever, so she is only going with what she has learned and how it was always swept under the carpet in the past. That doesn't make it right.

Grief never leaves you. It just becomes easier to carry as you get accustomed to the weight.

Some days it feels too heavy to carry alone though and you need people around you that can help. Sometimes I wish that we were more open about death, people shouldn't feel obliged to hide grief simply because it makes others uncomfortable.

to you all

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

Yesterday my oldest friend would have had her birthday. Except she died suddenly in 2005. Her death nearly did me in, but over the last 5 years it has been 'better'. I was surprised when yesterday I had a wobble.

Good friends never forget and will listen as much as you need.

My friends daughter was stillborn 5 years ago in December and I send a parcel of gifts for her bed and her parents and siblings. If I notice she is feeling down I send small gifts and talk to her about her baby.

I lost my darling dad nearly three years ago and while the pain is easier to deal with it never goes away. It's the little things that catch me out still, for example, he was a brilliant gardener and I was doing my garden the other day and wasn't sure whether I should try and move a particular plant. I thought, I'll give Dad a ring then remembered I couldn't and stood sobbing in the front garden. I miss him so much.

to all on this thread

So sorry about your dear little
Girl. My sil lost a little
Girl at term and I've always made sure dd knows she existed. She'd be 20 now!

Also, thank you for being open as I've been losing a bit of patience with a widowed friend - I'm suitably ashamed now and will up my support 💐

My son died a long time ago, my daughter some years after that.

It's sort of like being in a marathon with no finish line.

Everyone is there in the first part supporting you, as you get further on the support wains, people get bored, but you are still on this long and difficult journey with no end.

People can be cruel, unthinking and downright stupid in the things they say. Even now I still get the odd comment that shocks me if I choose to tell people about my children.

It's horrible that we still have all this love for our children, as any mother does, but we aren't allowed to express it for fear of making others uncomfortable.

it's just endless.

How heartbreaking OP much love and Grief is an entirely personal thing - how much and how long it affects you is nobody else's business. The memory of your beautiful girl will always be with you. to everyone who has lost someone on this thread it's a soul destroying part of life sadly.

I lost my daughter 10 years ago, she died before she was born. And I thought I'd dealt with it (whatever that means) but realised I hadn't and had some counselling last year which helped a bit. There's part of me that went that day and never came back and I still carry the sadness. And I remember too some truly horrendous things that people said when trying to be nice. I still struggle when people say "how many children do you have?" And as I only have one thats living, they seem to think I should have another. It feels like a betrayal when I don't acknowledge her, but I know people don't want to hear about her either as others find it terribly uncomfortable.

3 years isn't long, be kind to yourself and seek support from others that understand.

There are great charities out there for grieving parents, not sure which country youre in but do google them and find out. They tend to offer counselling and support, and a chance to mix with people who have been through the same/similar which all helps you feel more 'normal' in your grief. Having said that there is no normal way to grieve, we all have to do it in our own way and in our own time. Maybe you could get leaflets for your family on how to help a grieving family member, because one very important thing is to allow people to talk about it all. It might be hard, but it is very cathartic. Maybe they find it too hard to talk about themselves, surely they will miss her too in their own way? But maybe theyre not as strong as you, and not able to talk about her without breaking down, which some people avoid at all costs. Some people think talking things througb is wallowing in grief and therefore not moving on. And yes this can be the case sometimes, but mostly talking about what you miss and how unfair it all feels is a great way of lifting weight off of a soul.

You sound like youre coping really well OP

I am so sorry for your loss... Words just aren't big enough for this are they?
Here is a link to a free e-book written by an Australian journalist who had a late-term miscarriage and an author who had a stillbirth. It is a compilation of stories by other mothers who have been through these and also gives clues on how and when to grieve, what has helped them, etc.... It might make you feel less isolated. X
cdn.mamamia.com.au/files/NeverForgotten.pdf?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=Download&utm_term=Pregnancy%20Loss&utm_content=PDF&utm_campaign=Never%20Forgotten&_ga=1.83087638.109578425.1472324228

So sorry for your loss . Losing a child is a loss that you cannot make better. It will be with you forever . You learn to live along side your grief but never forget .