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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my child dislikes me?

70 replies

lightlygoholly · 26/08/2016 10:10

It's a horrible feeling. What's worse is that it feels personal, as he's delightful and even a little shy with most people. With me, I feel like he just hasn't got any respect. He rolls his eyes when I speak to him, he tells me what he wants and where he needs to go (rather than asks) and he broke something of mine the other day. It was a complete accident and if he'd just apologised immediately I wouldn't have minded but he behaved as if my reaction was tiresome.

I just feel like I need some advice on how to deal with this sort of behaviour. I know he's a lovely person really but with me, it's as if I see the very worst and I feel disliked in my own home.

OP posts:

Original poster

lightlygoholly · 26/08/2016 22:10

That sounds like a good strategy. Thank you :)

OP posts:

AVY1 · 26/08/2016 23:04

I'm with you on this OP. At the moment DD5 seems to think I'm the only person on the Planet she doesn't have to listen to, and that I am just there to be terrorised. My DM explained to me ( she's an Eyfs academic, which has its pluses and negatives) that children go through a stage where they view one or both parents as a challenge and that my solution to go on a solo holiday for a week wouldn't help anyone.

This week we wrote a family charter with the following:

We respect each other
We are not rude to each other
We do not shout at each other
We listen when asked to do or not do something

So far it's working as as soon as any misbehaviour/rudeness/aggression starts I simply state the relevant point to her. No getting drawn in to an argument about it - just repeat the point. If it continues she has a warning there will be a consequence and if it still doesn't stop then she is told the consequence will now happen. It turned out the consequence she most fears is losing is reading her bedtime story. She's had a story every night this week.

It may be worth a try. I'd been at my absolute wits end with her and was getting more and more devastated that she was viewing me as the enemy. I'm also hoping it is partly down to not being at school - she loves being there and the routine of her school days. As hard as I've tried I just can't recreate that for her every day.

I hope things get better for you.

clam · 26/08/2016 23:59

Out of interest, AVY1 does she know what respect means, at 5 years old?

Your charter set me thinking; we use the "respect" word such a lot these days, particularly with children in schools, and I sometimes wonder how they would define it, or even if some of them can.

Also, it's really splitting hairs, but in schools we have to phrase such "rules" in positive terms, such as "we use calm voices" as opposed to "don't shout."

Another strategy the OP could use would be to find some things that would inspire him to behave and use them as rewards for speaking nicely to you around the house.

ShelaghTurner · 27/08/2016 01:08

After another day of outbursts from DD1 I showed her this thread at dinner, especially highlighting all of those who said that they wouldn't stand being told to shut up by anyone least of all a child. She seemed to take that in - nothing I say gets through but others sometimes have more luck. I doubt it'll make any difference but it made her think for a few moments.

I told her that we'd had enough. That we were too soft with her and that it ends here. It's hard because there isn't much she's that bothered about. I've taken and wiped her iPad many a time and she doesn't care. We'll have to find something before I have a breakdown.

ImissGrannyW · 27/08/2016 01:29

I don't think punishments and penalties are the first things you should reach for. So to go against so many PPs.

But I think they set an atmosphere of resentment and mistrust.

What is it you actually want? It sounds like being talked to politely, appreciated for what you do are high on the list (you may have other priorities).

Work on these.

I'd say....

Pick your battles - decide what really matters to you, focus on these and let other things slide.
Remember that the behaviours you comment on are more likely to be the behaviours you get, so do your absolute best to comment on the bahviours you like and ignore the ones you don't. As part of that, try (where you can) changing negatives to positives. IE, instead of saying "no to that request because you didn't say 'please"" "yes, if you say "please""
Remember that if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got, so if you don't like what you're getting; change yourself and your responses and reactions (as one PP said - you are the adult here).
Because lots of "bad" behaviour is about power, offer choices and a consequence.... So "you can keep doing x, and that will mean (no bedtime story/screen time/whatever) OR you can do y and we will then do (nice game together/something fun/extra treats.
Don't be a doormat. I like "I" statements. EG "when you say/do X, I feel Y because..., so I would like you to do.... instead"
Don't be afraid to describe how you feel and how you are finding the situation. Your child may very well not be aware.
I would say there's no excuse at all for bad manners, and it hurts no one to say please or thank you, and to say that you won't do a thing wihtout either - practice makes perfect (but make sure you say them yourself!)

clam · 27/08/2016 10:36

The thing is, they have to respect you and it doesn't sound as though your lad does at the moment. I am very nice to my kids (my own and my classes at school) 95% of the time. They all know, though, that if you cross that line, then I can be scary. No need for raised voices or loss of control - just a "don't mess with me" core of steel. Kids will spot weakness from 50 paces and have no mercy on you.

Remember: you are the adult; you are in charge. But fgs, get your husband on the same page. He's undermining you, by the sounds of it, and that's hopeless.

kavvLar · 27/08/2016 11:05

I struggle when the consequence will impact on another child as well.

For example Dd6 is rude, the icy Eyebrow hasn't had the desired effect, the consequence is no TV, as that is what she wants to do.

But her little sister is watching / wants to watch the TV. She will be upset if it goes off. Dd6 in her anger will refuse to leave the room and then I find it easy to get painted into a corner.

Requests/ commands to leave the room don't get complied with, the whole situation leading up to the sanction will have been refusal to do something so it ends up being another point to argue.

I've found it aggravates the situation greatly to physically lift her and remove her from the room, and she comes back in. So that is out.

What do you do here out of interest? My next step is usually borne of anger which is not well thought out, like I will threaten to start removing toys and giving them away to little girls who can do as they're told.

It has no real effect on the immediate situation. She calms down / gets upset in her own time, to her own clock. She will eventually get to discussing it and saying sorry.

This may be the crux of it but by that time there is really very little point in bringing the sanction as the desired results have happened. It is just managing it while it happens. I feel like I am the boss but dancing to her tune iyswim.

clam · 27/08/2016 11:18

If she's refusing to leave the room, then it doesn't really sounds as if you are the boss.

kavvLar · 27/08/2016 11:21

Yes clam hence the question what do you do?

Original poster

lightlygoholly · 27/08/2016 11:22

I do know what clam means. I know my DS wouldn't dream of saying 'no' if his dad told him to do something, but does with me. Not all of the time.

OP posts:

clam · 27/08/2016 11:25

Well, that's starting at the wrong end, really. If you've lost pole position (and it's easy to slip into that), then marching in and expecting immediate compliance isn't going to work. It's kind of a bit late for that. Commanding respect has to be established first and that's a whole lifestyle change.

However, in that TV situation, I think the only solution would be to turn it off (maybe recording the programme for other child to watch later) and make it up to other child in some way. Eventually the message will get through.

Mumble29 · 27/08/2016 11:33

My 9 nearly 10 year old dd is like this with me at the minute too.
I think it's the age, quite an inbetween time being still very young but wanting to be grown up/ on the verge of puberty iykwim.
I'm finding it very hard to like her at the minute

clam · 27/08/2016 11:38

Every age has its challenges, and the teen years have the potential to be a million times worse. You can't let these things go with an airy "oh, it's just their age." Rudeness is rudeness, and you're doing no one any favours (least of all yourself) if you don't deal with it.

kavvLar · 27/08/2016 11:38

Thanks. It is always interesting to hear a different perspective.

I grew up in a house where compliance was expected. They would have said they commanded respect.

What they actually got was uninformed compliance, and then rebellion (as soon as we were old enough to push back).

Consequently it's possible this has coloured my approach. I want to move towards a mutual respect but the word 'command' makes me uneasy.

clam · 27/08/2016 11:42

No, I get what you mean, and so scratch the "command." It's just a turn of phrase.

clam · 27/08/2016 11:43

Command is not the same as "demand" of course. There would be something hollow about shrilly demanding children respect you. It's got to be more subtle than that.

MatildaTheCat · 27/08/2016 11:43

My niece,Magee 9 is exactly the same at the moment. Never the easiest of children, she's currently really hard work with her parents though very well behaved for me mostly.

Lots of good advice here but my main one would be pick your battles and ignore some of it. I also think hormones are kicking in far earlier than they used to and adding to the mix. I'm sure your lovely ds will be back at some point.

MatildaTheCat · 27/08/2016 11:48

Aged 9, not Magee

Believeitornot · 27/08/2016 11:57

What's your relationship with him generally? How much attention does he get from you?

As for walking in on you, do you have rules about that? I would calmly explain that he needs to knock and wait. and everyone in the house has to obey that rule.

If he speaks rudely to you, I would tell him that it is rude and how does he think it feels to another person to use that phrase. And that you're not listening until he speaks politely.

I'm quite insecure and do find myself taking things far too personally with my DCs at time - not great. I have to remind myself that they do actually love me no matter what as I love them.

ShelaghTurner · 27/08/2016 16:15

Well my delightful child has just cut up one of dd2's soft toys that she's had since she was a baby. Pure temper. I feel like walking out.

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