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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my child dislikes me?

70 replies

lightlygoholly · 26/08/2016 10:10

It's a horrible feeling. What's worse is that it feels personal, as he's delightful and even a little shy with most people. With me, I feel like he just hasn't got any respect. He rolls his eyes when I speak to him, he tells me what he wants and where he needs to go (rather than asks) and he broke something of mine the other day. It was a complete accident and if he'd just apologised immediately I wouldn't have minded but he behaved as if my reaction was tiresome.

I just feel like I need some advice on how to deal with this sort of behaviour. I know he's a lovely person really but with me, it's as if I see the very worst and I feel disliked in my own home.

OP posts:
nannybeach · 26/08/2016 14:46

Got my grandchildren staying 5 and 6, know what you mean, we now have behaviour charts, you can downland them right up to 11 years. Children do often say they hate you, etc. unfortunately its what they do, when things dont go their way. Their Mum and I use "time out" it has to be somewhere boring NOT the bedroom with toys, after explaining why they are going there a minute for every year of their age, go ask if they know why they were put there, and why what they did was unacceptable. Take away favorite toys, tablets etc. you have to stick to your guns, older kids grounded. Kids do see how far they can push you, physcologists says its completely normal part of growing up. Was chatting to my oldest son, because so many people have said kids are different these days, even to what their parents were like, he says its because they have grown up with so much technology, they see stuff on TV on-line then want it and want it NOW, they think the world revolves around them.

DixieWishbone · 26/08/2016 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lightlygoholly · 26/08/2016 14:48

The problem is, he wouldn't go to somewhere boring - you have to actually make them stay there. And if I try I get "oh, shut up!" Shock

OP posts:
pollyblack · 26/08/2016 14:56

My 10 yr old DS can be like this. I pull him up if he is being downright rude, obnoxious behaviour and attitude are not tolerated. But I also try to actually understand and talk to him about feelings- never starts well, eye rolling etc, but I always finds it helps. Best place is when he is in bed at night and I will potter about his room and chat, or in the car, so no eye contact but contained together for a while. I encourage him to be open about his feelings, saying its ok to think I'm rubbish or not like me sometimes or to find life hard and annoying sometimes, but to think about other peoples feelings. Ask him to think about how he would feel if someone treated him like that etc. I also say how I remember how hard it is being that age and it can feel like everything is against you, and also that we all feel like that about stuff sometimes, even grow ups.

carefreeeee · 26/08/2016 14:58

Could be a bad idea but...
Maybe try backing off a bit, care less, show that you have other stuff going on, friends of your own etc.
Possibly he needs a bit more independence? Leave it for him to seek the interaction rather than force him? (At the same time as insisting on a reasonable level of politeness)
I remember feeling very irritated with parents when they were too caring/nosy/interfering - when they back off the irritation faded instantly

Original poster
lightlygoholly · 26/08/2016 15:01

I find it really hard not to take it very personally as I know it's just me who gets the unpleasant treatment. I think backing off a bit is probably a good idea but I also worry it could do more harm than good.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 26/08/2016 16:53

You can back of mentally/emotionally at the same time as enforcing actual rules. Try to focus on the actual rule rather than on the significance of his behaviour iyswim. In fact, with preteens my experience is you get much further with "NOBODY uses that word in my presence" than "look how much you've upset mummy".

For me, rules to be enforced would be: no name-calling, no swearing at a person, no telling another person to shut up, no unpleasant personal comments.

One other thing which may or may not be relevant: I have found with ds (not just as a preteen but as a teen) that he finds it very hard to show that he is upset about having done something wrong/broken something/hurt somebody and that it does sometimes lead to a show of bravado where he pretends not to care precisely because he does care so very much. He is gradually learning that it works much better to deal with the situation in a grown-up way, but it has taken him time.

Dd otoh is always very charming with apologies - I suspect because she doesn't take things quite as hard.

clam · 26/08/2016 17:34

I wouldn't accept anybody on this planet telling me to shut up, let alone a 9 year old child.
You need to find your anger on this (not your upset - he clearly doesn't care about that). You fix him with the steely glare and say in a rock-hard firm voice, "Don't you EVER. DARE. speak like that to me again, do you understand?"

And then use your (pre-prepared) consequences that will really hurt him. Think of them in advance.

Trifleorbust · 26/08/2016 17:47

Clam: Completely agree with this.

Buzzardbird · 26/08/2016 17:59

I'm afraid I would come down on him like a tonne of bricks if he told me to 'shut up'.

You are being way too lenient. Does he have screen time? That would be taken away for a day.

Original poster
lightlygoholly · 26/08/2016 18:06

Thanks. I agree it's so rude. He just doesn't appear to care about any sanctions I put in place.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 26/08/2016 18:10

What sanctions have you used?

clam · 26/08/2016 18:22

Screen-time? Phone/iPad/Xbox.
Time with friends.
Treats.

You have to find his Achilles heel. You can make life pretty unpleasant for him if you want. And of course, you don't really want to, he's your son and you love him, but equally you cannot continue down this path.

Trifleorbust · 26/08/2016 18:25

Grounded. Pocket money. Activities he likes. Puddings 😂

OrianaBanana · 26/08/2016 18:29

If he has an iPad or a phone, take it off him for a specified amount time for specific rudeness. Or say he can't go to a friend's house? Agree that this is best nipped in the bud if you can otherwise the teen years will be more difficult.

corythatwas · 26/08/2016 18:40

May sound silly, but I also found it helped if I thought of myself as a strong person who didn't take any nonsense rather than a vulnerable person who was getting hurt. A bit of acting doesn't hurt, faking a confidence you might not altogether feel. Children of this age like confident calm adults. Pretend you are his headteacher.

Though actual punishments may well have their place, as suggested by pp, I don't think an escalation of groundings and confiscations is necessarily going to do the job on their own: you need to exude fake authority at the same time.

clam · 26/08/2016 18:42

We've been suggesting that too, cory.

Original poster
lightlygoholly · 26/08/2016 18:45

It's hard as I can't think of anything he likes that he would be distressed to be stopped from doing other than reading and I don't want to discourage that. I also find sometimes if I say he can't do something his dad takes him anyway so he still gets to do it.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 26/08/2016 18:45

Yeah, I don't think we're actually saying different things, clam.

Just remembering that I have seen situations where an escalation of punishments sends the opposite message: mum/dad is losing control. Same with school teachers, too: if you are not very confident, a sudden increase of punishments can be the very thing that signals your lack of confidence to the class. It's a balance.

peachypips · 26/08/2016 18:48

It's actually an excellent sign. It shows he is incredibly secure in your love for him.
However, maybe something rubbish like a sticker chart for being kind to mummy would show him that it's an important skill to learn?

IloveJudgeJudy · 26/08/2016 19:43

I also agree with clam. I absolutely would not put up with anyone, and especially a child, any child, telling me to shut up. They also would not dare to come in when I'm in the shower Shock.

I think your main problem is that his dad doesn't back you up. He, DS, can then divide and conquer. Sort that out and you'll be fine. You also need to find some inner steel and not put up with stuff you don't like any more. Things may get worse before they get better, but perseverance and persistence are the key.

Good luck. I know it's hard Smile

Myusernameismyusername · 26/08/2016 19:51

My Dd1 behaves like this a lot. I don't tolerate it but I don't know what the answer really is. We start counselling next week as I honestly don't want her to behave this way all her life, it will not get her anywhere. I want to help her and our relationship. It can be unbearable at times

Myusernameismyusername · 26/08/2016 19:53

I meant to add have you really looked into whether there are deeper issues with your son. My DD doesn't really have any friends and I am an easy target for her internal pain. That's why we are going to counselling

Original poster
lightlygoholly · 26/08/2016 21:32

Thanks, it is hard. It does hurt my feelings but I know I have to woman up and focus on the behaviour.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 26/08/2016 21:45

I would work on sounding unimpressed in a slightly bored way when you respond to his rude remarks. I would also walk away as often as you can rather than sticking around to give him a reaction. So if he's being rude, say 'I don't listen to people ranting at me rudely' and go and do something else. It means you have to be very calm and icily controlled in your own criticisms of him but I think that's better anyway.