Why does the mum most likely get custody?

[drac]

I know it's looked at on a case to case basis and if being with the father is better for the child, it will happen. However, if they're both in the same boat, why does the mum tend to get it?

I like your post myperiod. I struggle to articulate my thoughts on this usually because it seems impossible to discuss the impact biology has on how each of us parent without being shut down with cries of "Men are equal parents too you know!"

My brother got custody, as I think it was then called of his 3 children ( one a step child) in the mid 80s because he had been the primary carer and his wife left. It was the right decision- but I have a horrible feeing that the judgement might have been different if his wife had left him for a man, rather than a woman.

Because some naturally take on the primary caregiver role. Me and DH both work full time, though I do 3 days, but everything related to DS falls to me.

I buy his birthday and Christmas presents, if he needs new clothes or shoes it's me that sorts it, if he needs to see a doctor it's me that arranges it, it's me that packs his bag for nursery, sorts out his packed lunch and liaises with nursery staff about various things, it's me who irons his clothes, changes his bedsheets, makes sure his teeth get brushed etc If he has any accidents at nursery or needs any Calpol etc it's always my work they phone to inform me, it's me that worries about his diet and meals, it's me that plans activities for our family days and it's me that makes sure all his needs are met.

I think it stems from having long maternity leave where most child related things fall to the mother and we naturally carry that on once we return to work.

As another poster said, perhaps if more men took shared paternity leave then things would be a lot more equal.

Like everyone else said, its usually the mother that is the primary carer and its in the best interests of the children to stay with their primary carer.

My ex tried to claim that he was the primary carer because he wasn't working so was always home but he did sod all with DD as he was on the computer all night and slept all day so he didn't get main parent status when we split (was easily shown in court because DD's clinic notes showed get didn't bother coming to any check ups or anything)

So, does this explain it for you, OP?

Great answers.

I know several families where the children have chosen to live more with their dad as they get into their teens.

OP not come back then?

Is this a journalist? Slow day at the office?

Is it still the case though? In all the cases I know of in the last few years the arrangement is that the dc spend exactly 50% of their time with each parent.

Bungo women totally have the option of abandoning their children. Three in my extended family just upped and left their children one day.

But yes it is unusual that way round. Lots of societal pressures not to. Far more so than if a man were to do the same thing. Where it is perceived as sad but not horrific

No? I actually went to sleep. Yes, I suppose it helps a bit. I think it's a bit harsh that all men are judged by the shit dads

I think there is bias in the courts too, even with the fact that most mothers are the primary carer.
I know many men who would love to be at home with their kids but can't because they are the majority earner. It's very sad that these great dads would then be penalised in the courts

I think it should go on who the main carer has been prior.
If Dad then that should continue.

Drac, you haven't read the thread properly if what you have derived from it is that "All men are judged by the shit dads". The point has been made repeatedly that these decisions are made with regard to what is best for the children, and in the vast majority of cases it is usually better if they stay with the person who has been their primary caregiver, whether that is their mother or father. The reality is that that is most often their mother.

Oly5, it's not a matter of penalising the fathers, but of doing what is best for the children. If they are great Dads they will normally get extensive access.

"All men are judged as shit dads'

Really? That's what you got from the answers ?

Agree with PPs. The courts look at who is the primary carer and what is best for the children. Also, 'shit dads' can easily achieve a 50:50 split despite having done very little caring when the parents were together.

It's been mentioned on similar posts previously: men used to get 'custody' and women had very few rights in this as in many things.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget
No she is right, to gain PR you have to either be married and then they automatically go on or they have to attend the registration appointment with you.

I got custody of DS1 when Ex left because Ex simply went out one weekend and never came home. I'd have fought him if he had tried to gain full custody but he walked away without a backwards glance. I know several women who've been through similar situations with men who've simply walked away. That colours my opinion and view on this enormously. I worked longer hours than he did at that point so had he pushed for custody it could have worked for him. Fortunately for me he never tried.

I do think the courts believe they're acting in the best interests of the child in awarding care to one parent (almost always the mother for the reasons above) but given children from single parent families are twice as likely to live in poverty, perhaps the presumption should be 50/50 shared care, unless there is good reason not to.

No court is doing any child justice by deeming one parent the main carer whilst doing little to enforce maintenance payments (the majority of single parents receive no MPs). Childcare continues to be unaffordable for many and many local authority services intended to help parents back into work have been cut in recent years.

In cases where the man has left for another woman, and assumes that his ex will have the kids, I wonder what would happen if the ex said, No, I'm not having them, they're your kids, too.

How many of the Other Women would still want the man if it meant taking on his kids full time, too?

I once wrote a light short story on these lines, which was published in a national magazine.
It was sparked off by an OW I knew, who moaned like mad about having to have his kids for the odd weekend. And I thought, What if...?

If neither parent wanted to look after them they'd go into care I guess ultimately. Or a grandparent would take them, that's relatively common I think.