To make DS get a job, as he doesn't help around the house?

[edmi]

Genuinely curious, as I see many people on here say how college/full-time education should be just what they focus on. DS is 17. He does not help one bit around the house - I tidy his bedroom, clean his room, then I do everything else around the house - washing, ironing, cleaning, dinner, put dishes in dishwasher, etc. I have said that he needs to help around the house, not big things, but tidy his room, make his bed, maybe even put the washing out or bring the dinner stuff to the kitchen. Nope, he's having none of it. So I said he needs to get a part-time job then and pay me £5 a week to do all of this stuff. He says absolutely not and it's practically abuse to make him pay to live at home I think he's missing the point. Grrr.

Well definitely stop tidying and cleaning his room for a start. Don't know what to suggest really. Personally I do think that if it is possible for a teenager not to have a job it's better that they don't so they can focus on studying. But doing a few chores isn't going to affect his studies.

Well good luck with "making" him get a job when you can't even make him bring a few dirty dishes to the kitchen.

Your fault entirely (apart from his dad jointly if he's on the scene) for babying him and not getting him to lift a finger his whole life.

You reap what you sow.

Stop tidying, stop cleaning his room, stop washing his clothes, stop ironing his clothes. Change the password for the wifi.

Time for him to grow up a little.

So stop doing things for him? No cleaning / washing / cooking / shopping.

But then it's our house that ends up a state

How does he afford things like clothes and social activities? If you're giving him money... I'd suggest you stop that unless he's willing to work for it.

Stop doing his washing and don't give him any money. Make hi earn the wifi code by tidying/cooking/whatever

How can your whole house get into a state if you simply stop tidying his room (keep tidying elsewhere), changing his bedding, doing his washing and ironing his clean clothes?

I think one adult family member paying another to do routine domestic chores is a weird dynamic to have in a household, and if you really do want to charge him for your labour, £5 a week is far too low.

I would just tell him that it's time he did his own cleaning and laundry, show him how, and leave him to it. If he's going to be going to university in a year or two it's better that he learns now. Does he not want to be independent?

It is your house, but because of that you are in charge, therefore he lives by your rules. If he doesn't want to, perhaps he should get a job and move out. It's not a hotel and he should respect you more, so put down some firm rules and stick to them. If he doesn't like them, he can get his own house - which guaranteed he won't want to!

Stop buying him stuff and giving him money, that will focus his mind.

(I lived at my mum's till I was 22, through college, university etc. I had jobs as soon as I could, I paid rent, cooked and helped with chores. Thanks to that I'm very capable of running my own home!)

Of course his dad is on the scene, DS is not biologically mine! I adopted him when we got married as his mum was not on the scene

Stop tidying his room, changing his bed and doing his washing. I would also stop making breakfast and lunch for him and only make him tea if he is there to eat with the family. At 17 he should be doing stuff for himself but he has no incentive if you're doing it all.

Why "of course" and the raised eyebrow OP? It's a legitimate question and one we are not to know the answer to until you tell us. Makes a difference to the responses you will get.

give him a list of chores that you expect him to do. he's an adult and he needs to start behaving like one. don't go in his room at all. let him deal with the mess and the washing.

he is being lazy because he can be - all the time you are doing it for him and he knows this he wont step up. he will only stop behaving like this when you stop enabling him to do it.

If he's in full time education and under 18 I don't think he should be paying any money. He's your responsibility.

That said, he can do his own washing. Don't wash his clothes. If he wants to wear dirty ones he can do. Don't tidy his room, you don't have to go in it so just leave it.

I lived on my own from being 17 it blows my mind there's people like this.

If you've not managed to get him to just contribute to the house in a normal way, I'm not sure how you are going to 'make him' get a job

Of course a 17 yr old is capable of doing bits and bobs around the horse, but I suspect it's a lot easier if they have grown up with that being normal expectation.
You are choosing to clean and tidy his room, etc. - there's no need to be doing that, his room, his responsibility.
My dc do bits and bobs around the house (cooking, etc.) as well as working for their own spending money.

Come on, the answer is obvious isn't it? Tell him to do these jobs himself or they don't get done. He's 17, not 12. And yes, tell him to look for a job if he wants to buy anything.

How were we meant to know that about his dad and the adoption?

I wouldn't want my son to pay me for housework etc as that would be a sure-fire way to guarantee he didn't do another thing.

I'd tell him he was responsible for his own room and washing his own clothes from now on. He has a really bad attitude. What does his dad say about it?

Dear God my DC at 6 and 9 do more than your son. Unless he's financially supporting himself you should be making him. No chores, no cash. It's so disrespectful to live communally (family or not) and not contribute, you've set the poor chap up to struggle if he ever leaves home. Act now before it's too late

There is no right or wrong answer. My 5 haven't done chores mostly andjust concentrated on work . The youngest 2 (17) cook all their own meals.I do a lot of picking up of plates around the house etc. I pay a cleaner but do a lot myself.

I have no problem with them not having jobs until they graduate or finish post grad to be honest but everyone is different.

Stop doing it for him and stop paying for any activities/giving lifts etc assuming you must also be funding him as well..and make sure his Dad doesn't either.
I suspect you'll get a bit more co-operation then!!!

Oh and it's not abuse... he's old enough to have a job, drive a car, theoretically live independently! All of mine had p/t jobs through 6th form..I think it's more the norm than not now, and it certainly didn't spoil their studies. I didn't take any money off them but I certainly expected them to clean up after themselves!

I think it's good for teenagers to work. Do you give him money at the moment? Stop that completely and tell him he either gets his money when he's cleaned his from etc. Or say he can get a job.

My DS has a full time job as well as makes his tea, does his bed, puts washing away, empties dishwasher and does NVQ amongst other stuff. And pays board.
He moans and whines sometimes.
Don't we all