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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my toddler to show his true colours at nursery?

67 replies

noshthis · 24/08/2016 10:56

He is a little terror when at home with me and the baby. Constant tantrums and whining. Yet at nursery he is an angel.

Is it terribly bad that I wish he was a shit with them and I got the good kid!?!?

OP posts:

Original poster

noshthis · 24/08/2016 12:12

At least I'm happy to know he has the ability to be nice and kind and polite.

It is funny when we are walking home from nursery and he is already starting up when we run into one of the workers. The look on his face for being "caught" !

OP posts:

witsender · 24/08/2016 12:14

They feel safe and relaxed at home, so release the pent up pressure of behaving unnaturally in a different setting.

My daughter was the same, quiet, obedient, submissive at school. Raging breakdowns at home. We took her.oit to home educate and she is now a happy, level medium.

drspouse · 24/08/2016 12:18

Trust me, it's better this way round! I'd rather deal with the bad stuff myself than have to cope with pissed-off teachers or parents of other children.

I would prefer that DS not hit other children but just once it would be nice for someone else to see what I'm going through.

Tangoandcreditcards · 24/08/2016 12:21

OP are you my DP ??

This is utterly awful, but he's also an angel when the cleaner comes so I changed her day to a non-nursery day...

kinloss · 24/08/2016 12:22

At work I am polite and courteous, and do my best to be an agreeable friend.

With my husband I can be critical and short-tempered.

Original poster

noshthis · 24/08/2016 12:31

Tango that's not a bad idea!!!

OP posts:

LaContessaDiPlump · 24/08/2016 12:55

My two are the same - generally lovely at school/nursery, right arses with me.

DS2 (let's call him MiniPlump) hasn't always been able to mask his true nature so well, though - he used to throw such elaborate tantrums at nursery that they still refer to a big tantrum (from ANYONE) as 'Throwing a MiniPlump'. He's entered the annals of nursery lore; I'm a mixture of and

I know what you mean about wanting to prove it's happening, though; it's like unintentional gaslighting from your child!! You end up wondering if you're imagining the hellbeast you live with and if everyone else is right when they tell you he's nothing like that at all.....

SatsukiKusakabe · 24/08/2016 13:05

I think also they are just so busy at nursery it takes them a while to settle in to structuring their own day a bit at home. My ds was terrible for a while once he started play group as I think it just hyped him up to the eyeballs, he took a while to adjust and calm down at home, a lot of pent up frustrations - every injustice, misunderstanding, snatched toy that happened at play group got taken out on us in the safety of home. Give him lots of hugs and reassurance (When you least feel like giving them is when they are most effective IME) and as much one on one time as you can manage.

SisyphusDad · 24/08/2016 13:06

I'm afraid it doesn't change as they get older. When I get glowing reports back on either of my DSs (9 and 13), I'm utterly convinced they've got the wrong child, 'cos they're not like that at home!

RumbleMum · 24/08/2016 13:10

Yup, unfortunately normal, but YANBU

If it's any consolation, I had five years of this with DS1, then he suddenly started being as well behaved at home as he was at school. So there's hope!

OlennasWimple · 24/08/2016 13:21

DD's teacher didn't believe me that DD didn't behave like an angel at home as well (she didn't say she didn't believe me, but I could tell from the smile and nod when I raised concerns with her). One day she saw DD having a melt down on the pavement outside a local shop, and as well as being mortified I was also rather pleased that she got to see this side to her as well (and then was fabulous in helping us implement strategies and access professional help to try to improve this)

MrsDeVere · 24/08/2016 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MLGs · 24/08/2016 13:49

I disagree.

It's much better to have a terror and home and a good kid at nursery. It shows they are comfortable with you as their Mum/Dad but know how to behave, and can behave.

Agree re what they eat though - I can't believe DS suddenly becomes brilliant at eating all his vegetables when he's away from home.

Original poster

noshthis · 24/08/2016 15:04

OlennasWimple what were the strategies??

Must have been good to feel vindicated too ;)

OP posts:

Debinaboat · 24/08/2016 15:15

I'm not sure parents always get the whole truth from nursery staff .im not sure why ,but I think it's sometimes a case of just overlooking some behaviours .
I tended to take what I was being told by smiley nursery staff with a pinch of salt .

londonmummy1966 · 24/08/2016 15:17

DD1s very wise Reception teacher told me that children only have a finite capacity for good behaviour. So you can have them behaving at home and a nightmare when out or the opposite way around. She asked me which I preferred. I got the point... didn't make the tantrums any less wearing though!

drspouse · 24/08/2016 15:36

I'm not sure parents always get the whole truth from nursery staff .im not sure why ,but I think it's sometimes a case of just overlooking some behaviours

Not necessarily overlooking them but possibly not allowing them to colour the whole day. We are trying very hard not to do this with DS. The other day the manager at nursery took me aside and told me he'd had one incident but as they'd dealt with it they were not going to let it colour the day by mentioning it again within his earshot at pickup time. He'd moved on and managed to get on with the other child in question for the rest of the day so she felt it was fair to let him leave on a high note.

We also try to do this when recapping our day to DH, or vice versa - we tell DH about all the successes DS has had that day, especially behaviour-wise.

Doesn't mean it's all sunshine and roses though!

WhooooAmI24601 · 24/08/2016 15:41

Oh no, think how much you'd dread the nursery pick-up if he ran them ragged! DS1 has ASD and in Year 1 every single day without fail the teacher would pull that face that means they need a word as she released him at the end of the day. And every day I'd feel my stomach clench and want the ground to swallow me whole.

He's marvellous at school now and a complete bellend at home. Much nicer this way round.

Groovee · 24/08/2016 15:44

My 2 are 16 and 13 and are angels out of the house! They are horrors together and when at home!

I think they can release the pent up feeling they feel by being good for others so I feel I have done something right.

Ghodavies · 24/08/2016 20:49

Hate to tell u that my 16yr old is still the same!!

desperatelyseekingcaffeine · 24/08/2016 20:55

This is so true! My 3year old looks angelic and apparently acts it at nursery. They saw him having a (very mild to me) strop one day and their jaws dropped at the horror! They don't see the backchat, cheekiness and defiance that happens regularly at home.

Also the eating! He's admittedly not bad for a toddler but openly says he only likes nursery ham or nursery cucumber! Won't say what's different about it drives me mad!

Love him really :)

OpenMe · 24/08/2016 21:01

My Dad once told me it was because I was doing such a great job as a parent. DS was so secure in his knowledge that he was loved unconditionally at home that he could afford to let out all the aggression etc but at school he had to be good to gain approval.

Most of my dad's expert advice on child rearing is bonkers but I liked that one

ElectronicDischarge · 24/08/2016 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 24/08/2016 22:58

It's really normal I think. DS is an angel at nursery, he's very affectionate and well behaved and eats well and plays nicely
At home he is like a tornado
Tbh I'm just relieved it's not the other way round

MrsMook · 25/08/2016 07:15

DS used to have himdingers of tantrums from the moment that he knew that "no" meant that he wasn't getting his own way. He had one at nursery and they were astonished. He was always so meek with them.

He's at school now and still saves his frustration for home.

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