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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up with people asking me when am I going to get a job instead of being a SAHM

62 replies

Blondienut · 24/08/2016 09:25

So here goes. I have recently (end of June) moved country with my 5yr old boy to start a life with my fiancée. Prior to that we had been commuting and seeing each other most weekends and holidays. He has two children who he has 50% time. We both made the decision that I would take some time out initially to get my DS settled and started in new school and I would have a break away from work outside of home. I have worked solidly up until now as a nurse. I have juggled night shifts and long days as a single parent and it was tough at times. I did love my job so I was grateful for that but so far I'm not missing it as much as I thought I would.

I hold my hands up and admit that I never considered how tough staying at home could also be so am glad I am seeing life from that perspective now too. My fiancée and I are both happy that it is the right choice for us as a family at the moment. We are not well off but we manage (just) financially.

I am inundated with people asking me 'have you got a job yet' , 'when are you going back to work' , 'what are you going to do for work' etc etc etc. It is really starting to grate on me and I don't want to feel like I have to justify myself to people. Women are the worst. Why can't we support each other and recognise that working outside the home or being a SAHM are both really important roles. Why can't we be happy for people when they get a chance to do either. For some they would love an opportunity to go out to work and for some they would love a chance to stay at home. I feel like shouting at these people 'give me a break, I have only just moved my whole life to a different country, been through a horrible divorce and have slogged my guts out working shifts for years, GIVE ME A BREAK' . End rant 😉

OP posts:

Original poster

Blondienut · 24/08/2016 10:17

No no it's grand I agree with most of all everyone is saying to be honest. I know people are making conversation mostly and I know I am over sensitive- so much change in my life at moment and I recognise I am adjusting still

On reflection I do think it's the friends asking me that gets to me, the ones who I have already had the conversation with (a few times). I know I've also done it backwards so can understand people's confusion but I guess I never had the chance to be at home when he was younger through circumstances.

I just find it interesting observing the divide that there can be between those who stay at home and those that don't. I am a huge advocate for doing whatever you have to to suit your family. I also have had some lovely encouraging comments from close friends who know all I've gone through who are so genuinely happy for me that my situation has changed and I have the opportunity to be at home for a bit. So I will hold on to them and grow a thick skin for the others!

OP posts:

twinkletoedelephant · 24/08/2016 10:18

I get this ALL the time...

I have 3 children with asd/ADHD I have weekly meetings at school. Doctors/peads appointments. Workshops I am told I have to attend...
No childcare at all.. it's me and dh that's it.

Family/friends still ask when am I going back to work.... I now plaster on a huge smile and immediately start thanking them for their kind offer of free childcare so I can work - and how great it would be to finally go back to my career..... The fear and backpedaling starts immediately

Ffion3107 · 24/08/2016 10:19

Formerbabe you're right, I shouldn't have said that. I don't prefer working, I'd prefer to stay at home and avoid the £500 a month childcare costs.

SemiNormal · 24/08/2016 10:19

I would just say 'Oh I'm in no hurry to go back, having worked my backside off for years has left me financially able to take some time out and just enjoy being a parent'.

HereIAm20 · 24/08/2016 10:20

My son is 15 in October and I sometimes get asked when I am going back. I was a solicitor and people can't seem to understand that I am living a life I enjoy and in a way I want to live! Just smile and wave!

CafeCremeMerci · 24/08/2016 10:21

I think people are just trying to make conversation. Small talk is hard work! You used to work, you've just moved, met oeople will assume you'll go back to work & thnk it's a 'safe' enough question to ask, when they probably ant to ask if you two are plannng on a baby together 😁

formerbabe · 24/08/2016 10:26

I have 3 children with asd/ADHD I have weekly meetings at school. Doctors/peads appointments. Workshops I am told I have to attend...

No childcare at all.. it's me and dh that's it.

My dc don't have asd but other needs which means I also have lots of appointments to attend. Also, no childcare or family support...it really irritates me off when people ask me when I'll go back to work who know my situation.

MadisonAvenue · 24/08/2016 10:28

My two are in their teens, I'm still a SAHM. It's what works best for our family but people don't seem to understand that and I often get asked when I'll be returning to work (which, after so long out of the workplace, wouldn't be easy as things have moved on so much). My husband has a stressful job, he comes home and can relax, he doesn't have to think about trivial stuff like gardening or more important things like budgeting and balancing the bank account. My job is to look after the house, look after us all and keep everything running smoothly. And walking the dog.

formerbabe · 24/08/2016 10:30

And no I don't get bored..

There's
Washing
Ironing
Shopping
Cooking
Cleaning
Household admin

In fact, I struggle to get everything done..!

MadisonAvenue · 24/08/2016 10:36

formerbabe, sometimes there just aren't enough hours in the day here either!

Benedikte2 · 24/08/2016 10:36

Strange old world! Even in the 70s it wasn't the norm for mothers to work. It was seen as a choice thing for the career minded.
Not it appears obligatory quite apart from financial need

Amelie10 · 24/08/2016 10:37

Yanbu, people really shouldn't ask this. I think it's a personal question. Basically digging about your financial situation.

Marynary · 24/08/2016 10:38

I think that the vast majority of people are just making conversation. I think that you are projecting your own feelings onto them when you say that you are being judged. They probably couldn't care less whether you work or not.

HoneyDragon · 24/08/2016 10:41

I used to get this. But I've always cheerily replied I'm quite content with freelance freeloading at present. People soon stop asking.

Marynary · 24/08/2016 10:41

You give the impression in your OP that not working is only temporary while you settle in. They may assume this means that you are currently looking for a job.

RubbishMantra · 24/08/2016 10:50

I dunno - I'd never ask a potentially critical question like this. I don't think it's polite conversation at all.

I have 2 much older DS's, who get asked this all the time. They both own a few properties each, which provides a perfectly adequate income, which they worked their arses off for. Eldest DSis does charity work, inc. all the accounts, 2nd eldest is a nurse like yourself, who works PT because she wants to.

I've had to stop my uni degree (psychotherapy) because my husband committed suicide a year ago, and part of my degree was placements as a counsellor, which would have been unethical for me to continue.

However, my father's opening conversational gambit is to ask each of us "Have you got a job/proper job yet? Despite him retiring at the age of 50. My sisters are older than that.

Just smile, and say, "Yes, I already have a full-time job - taking care of our DCs". for you.

andintothefire · 24/08/2016 11:27

I agree that it is a personal question and isn't really anybody else's business. I might ask a close friend if they were planning on returning to work, but would never assume that they were going to do so.

Having said that, I think that sometimes close friends might ask the question out of concern or because they are surprised that somebody would give up a career. I have a SAHM friend who I was at university with. She did a Masters and is very bright. When her husband suggested shortly before their marriage that she did not need to work, she found the idea odd because she has always been ambitious and enjoyed working. Then, suddenly, she decided to give up work and stay at home to support his career. It may very well be her choice and she may be happier doing that. However, there is a part of me that is concerned that she has had some pressure put on her by her husband (I don't particularly like him - he has always been slightly dismissive of women in my experience) and it is clear that by staying at home she makes his life a lot easier. While I would never say anything to her because it is their decision, I do have concerns that she is not making the best choice in the long run and that she is taking a risk by losing all her financial independence. It isn't helped by the fact that she has said once or twice that she accepts he might have affairs!

Topsytoo · 24/08/2016 11:31

I've been a SAHM for 7 years now and will be for another 2 years. When my youngest DD starts school in 2 years I'll be looking to go back to work but only during school hours.

Just ignore them. It's none of their business.

blueshoes · 24/08/2016 12:02

OP: "I just find it interesting observing the divide that there can be between those who stay at home and those that don't."

Do other SAHPs ask you the same questions or is it (tend to be) WOHPs?

What is this divide?

Stevefromstevenage · 24/08/2016 12:14

Sorry I snorted at this.

quasibex · 24/08/2016 12:25

blondienut it's probably because you did slog for so long and hard as a nurse that people are asking when you'll be returning to paid work.

Nursing is a vocation more than it is a job (IMHO, the pay you get certainly doesn't reward the effort made) so it's probably surprising your friends/acquaintances that you haven't found a new role and that you are currently financially and emotionally content with concentrating on being a mother at the moment.

I don't think they are necessarily being judgemental, more taken by surprise at a complete change of lifestyle.

bumpetybumpbumpbump · 24/08/2016 12:28

If people think negatively it's probably because they can't relate to your choice -either that or they're bitter/jealous!

Enjoy your life! It works for your family

WorraLiberty · 24/08/2016 12:34

I was SAHM for donkey's years.

I didn't give a shit then what others thought and I don't give a shit now either

Just tell them, "The last time I checked, your opinions weren't paying my bills"

Inshock73 · 24/08/2016 12:40

I think there could be multiple reasons behind people asking.

I'm an older first time mum, 42, and I've worked full time since I was 18. I could never understand how anyone would want to be a SAHM, I understand it now I am a mum although I still think working at least part time helps you retain perspective, gives you a balance and keeps you independent.

I think some people genuinely don't understand the appeal of being a SAHM and see it as a temporary thing due to childcare or children being really young etc.

I also think it's drilled in to most people from a really young age that you grow up and get a job, so most people go through life expecting to work and it feels very alien to them if they don't have a job.

I think other people who maybe would like to take a few years out but can't afford to, try to undermine your SAHM position out of jealousy, when secretly they would love to do the same.

And finally, there's another category which I find myself really irritated by, and I'm not implying this is your situation, there's people who can afford to be SAHM thanks to their partners or family help/backing and then there are those who can't but take the view I'll live on benefits. I have one friend who has three children and is very happy to live on benefits. It grates the hell out of me when I see all her summer fun photos of them having lovely days out while I'm at work and my DD is in childcare.

I think there are so many people who would like to take a few years off but can't afford to thanks to living and childcare costs that a SAHM always raises suspicion and makes people ask 'how can they afford it?'

MadisonAvenue · 24/08/2016 12:43

Do other SAHPs ask you the same questions or is it (tend to be) WOHPs?

I find it's just WOHPs who ask, and then go on to say that they couldn't do it, they'd be so bored.

I was in a local pub a few weeks ago and got chatting to the woman behind the bar who I vaguely know (friend of a friend) and one of the first things she asked was what I do all day, she actually expected a breakdown of my day. Each time she walked by our table to collect glasses and plates she had a different question. Curiosity, I know, but I found it very intrusive and it's put me off going to that pub again.

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