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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should keep quiet?

47 replies

WinterIsHereJon · 23/08/2016 19:45

BIL is a bit serial womaniser; three failed marriages by 26 and a near constant stream of girlfriends since then. He's very selfish and immature so they never last. He's in the army, and recently found out he's to be posted abroad for two years. He's been with the latest girlfriend for no time at all, but I know she'd like to go with him and has dropped constant hints about marriage. BIL adamant it won't happen.

More recently she's made a few comments about feeling she's the age to start a family, asking to take my DCs out and saying the timing would be perfect as BIL would have to marry her Hmm I'd mentioned her comments to DH as I thought it a little desperate and strange - BIL does not see the relationship as serious and I've heard him tell her so.

Fast forward to today and she's announced she's pregnant. BIL seems surprised and told DH they were being careful. DH suspects she may have been intentionally less careful and wants to tell BIL about the comments she's been making. I think we should keep out of it and that it won't end well if we interfere. Who is BU?

OP posts:
Cavogirl · 23/08/2016 19:48

Stay out!!
What good can it do?
He has a reason to leave the mother of his child ?
I wouldn't be surprised if he was giving her another story too.
Whatever the situation they both sound bonkers and I'd keep your distance - you are right!

startwig1982 · 23/08/2016 19:48

Definitely stay out of it!!

HornyTortoise · 23/08/2016 19:49

I would stay the hell away from this one. Forget the lot. Honestly it will be more hassle than its worth to say anything about it except for 'congratulations' and leaving it at that...

allthecarbs · 23/08/2016 19:49

I vote stay out.

Timeforabiscuit · 23/08/2016 19:50

Keep out of it, absolutely keep out of it, let nothing pass your lips except the words "that's wonderful news!"

mrssiriusblack · 23/08/2016 19:51

Keep out of it! I'm the wife of a solider and I see this all time sadly. Young women are having babies and getting married and the marriages rarely last. I have been here 3 years and I have seen countless army marriages fail because of the pressure this lifestyle puts on them and the reasons they got married in the first place.

If he doesn't want a relationship he needs to tell her and they should raise their child apart but remain friendly. Don't go telling him what she has said - no good can come from it

PersianCatLady · 23/08/2016 19:53

DH suspects she may have been intentionally less careful
Whilst she may have said she was on the pill and actually wasn't which I suspect may be what has happened, if your BIL had really not wanted kids he could have took measures to be even more careful.

Original poster
WinterIsHereJon · 23/08/2016 19:53

Thanks, I knew I was right. I suppose DH fears he has been tricked somehow, although I did point out abstinence is the key to preventing babies Wink I'm sure I would be annoyed if it was my DB but I don't think anything good can come from telling him.

OP posts:
Historygeek · 23/08/2016 19:53

Stay out of it. What good can come of telling him?

They both sound awful and he could have used a condom. She's mad if she think a baby will change him.

But yes, stay out of it you have no evidence of anything and there are two sides to every story.

Chottie · 23/08/2016 19:54

Stay well out of it. However it turns out, you will not be thanked for your comments.

Historygeek · 23/08/2016 19:57

He can't really have been tricked because if he's a serial womaniser bed hopping and in a non serious relationship he definitely should have used condoms.

MyBreadIsEggy · 23/08/2016 19:58

I'm with mrssirius on this.
My DH is in the forces too, and you see this all the time: Young guy, clingy girlfriend, they get married because military housing is cheap (and being married is the only way to get it), fast forward 6 month to a year and they are separated and he's living back in the block Hmm
There have been 3 instances of this in the last 2 years with guys DH works closely with.
I wouldn't tell him what she's been saying, but I would definitely encourage him towards telling her the truth about how he doesn't see the relationship as a serious, long term thing, regardless of a pregnancy.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 23/08/2016 20:10

Another ex mil wife here. Yes the divorce rate is twice as high in the military versus the rest of the U.K. And this is a huge factor.

I saw really young girls on our patch, pregnant, bored and miserable. It seems like the option for an easy life, but it really isn't at all.

Stay out of the situation, he is big enough to try and sort this one out for himself.

AppleSetsSail · 23/08/2016 20:12

What a nightmare. Steer clear.

EarthboundMisfit · 23/08/2016 20:16

You don't have any facts. Keep out of it.

SpaceUnicorn · 23/08/2016 20:20

Three failed marriages by the age of 26?! Shock

PersianCatLady · 23/08/2016 20:31

I did point out abstinence is the key to preventing babies
Or he could have just used condoms as well as accepting that she was on the Pill (I that is what happened).

I am not being funny but I don't understand why your DH is assuming that his brother is so stupid that he hasn't worked out for himself what has probably happened?

KatieScarlett · 23/08/2016 20:36

Nothing good will come of ever speaking of this again.

MLGs · 23/08/2016 20:43

I agree with keep the hell out.

Also, of course he should have used condoms (or alternatively abstained if for some reason he didn't fancy condoms) if he really didn't want baby.

What kind of idiot has sex with a woman who he knows desperately wants to get married when he doesn't want to and just trusts she is on the pill or similar? (Dont answer that btw - one who can't bear the slightest loss of sexual pleasure i guess)

OTheHugeManatee · 23/08/2016 20:44

Stay well out of it. YANBU

rollonthesummer · 23/08/2016 20:45

Slightly irrelevant but what happens to army wives if a marriage breaks down-do they hand to move out of the house?

MiddleClassProblem · 23/08/2016 20:46

Sounds like the case of the womaniser and the bunny boiler Confused

MyBreadIsEggy · 23/08/2016 20:53

rollon yeah pretty much.
If there are children involved, I'm pretty sure there's a bit more wiggle room with the timescale, but she will have to vacate the property within a certain time period. It's the same if the serving spouse dies - although the military are obviously a bit more compassionate in that situation than if it's just a relationship breakdown!

louisejxxx · 23/08/2016 20:56

Stear clear - presumably she will keep the child...therefore not fair to potentially cause an issue now, as annoying as it is that it sounds like she's "trapped" him. It's still his child regardless.

pictish · 23/08/2016 20:59

Seriously, you would completely regret sticking your oar in to this one. Too much potential for drama.

She is daft enough to have set her sights on a selfish womaniser with a poor track record in relationships as her life partner. If she got pregnant deliberately the consequences will play out regardless with no help from you. Keep schtum.