To not give MIL another chance?

[spaintrotter]

Long and complicated feud with MIL. Too much to type but basically she is a horrible woman who cut her own mother and family out of her life and did the same with us when dd was born (2 years ago).

SIL recently contacted me and told me how upset MIL is and suggested I get in touch with her to try and talk things over. I didn't want to but I thought I'd be the bigger person and then at least she couldn't say I hadn't tried. I invited her round for a chat and to see dd. She refused and said no thank you, as well as being vile to me. I swore I'd never give her another chance.

I've now received a call from SIL who says that MIL is now reconsidering my offer and is taking time to think about it.

AIBU to tell her to fuck off (not in those exact words) if she calls and says she's changed her mind?

Some people just aren't worth the grief. Your MIL sounds like one of them.

Tell your SIL that MIL should contact you direct with any requests to see you or your DD.
If she won't then that solves your problem. If she does and is vile or rude to you then tell her not to bother contacting you again.

Nah - trust me it will open a whole great big can of nasty worms - I speak from experience. My PIL cut us off for about 5 years from 2009 and it was heaven on earth. They recently got back in touch (only because I had a daughter and MIL loves little girls) it's been crap ever since - same old shit. Wish we hadn't been the bigger person to just let them back into our lives. good luck with your decision! X

Definitely if your dh doesn't want this relationship, you have dodged a bullet.

Think you should support your partner who most probably had a horrible life with her.

Why would you want to go against his wishes.

Absolutely 100% support your dh and don't undermine him.

reconsidering your offer

YANBU. If she'd been apologising profusely to you and asking for another chance then that would have been a reasonable come back. Basically she thinks that her behaviour is acceptable. Sounds like you'd just be welcoming a whole load of shite into your life if you accepted.

I agree with crazycatlady!

I'd keep the moral high ground and be polite but say that if MIL wants contact she needs to show that herself.

Tell her the offer has expired.

I take it SIL is toxic MIL's own daughter? I imagine she wants you to help share her burden, can't be much fun being such a selfish person's child.

Your first loyalty needs to be to your DP. You can pity SIL and offer her sympathy whenever her mum is being awful, but don't let her drag you in.

No way! Although it's so easy to say that on here I understand it's so much harder in real life - similar situation with us and my FIL. I keep thinking fuck em, they don't bother with us but there I go sending them nice messages about baby milestones and photos

I'd go with my DPs wishes - appreciate she is the grandmother to your child and that pulls on heartstrings, but there is a reason she's been NC all this time.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work - grandmother or not, she doesn't sound like she's going to benefit your families lives - in fact quite the opposite.

You were kind enough to extend an olive branch which she declined. Please now decline her offer to avoid this drama.

Tell SIL that this is between MIL and DH, you are staying out of it and so should she.

MIL knows how to use a phone, she can contact DH if she wants, DH is a grown man who can choose whether to forgive or not. Neither you nor SIL are needed for any of that.

As soon as your MiL was vile to you in response to your invitation she lost the right to change her mind about refusing it.

She likes the thought of having a bit of power over you 'thinking it over' my fat arse!

I wouldn't see her and let her stew in her own poison.

Is SiL your DH's sister or his brother's wife? Either way, I'm guessing that she's probably tired of hearing your MiL bitch about you and/or whining about not seeing her GC so she's trying to broker a rapprochement to get her off her back.

You've done your part. I agree with RabbitRun. No need to be nasty to SiL, just quietly tell her what Rabbit said and refuse to discuss if she brings it up again.

Chances are things will stay status quo, but I'd give serious thought to whether or not I'd want MiL around my children before making any decisions whether or not to let her back in their lives.

SIL is married to DP's brother, not MIL's daughter though you would think she was with how involved she gets. I think I'm just going to say that I don't want to discuss it any more and that I made my offer, she declined and that's that. No more chances.

If MIL contacts me then I'll say the same to her. I'll probably be made out to be the bitch in the whole situation but I don't think she deserves any more of our time.

The only valid is "That's up to dp".

If he wants nothing to do with her then why are you undermining him like this? How would you feel if it was the other way round and he was trying to enable contact with someone who had hurt you, and who you didn't want in your life?

The next time sil brings it up just say to her 'mil knows where we are when she is ready to apologise. Our door is always open.' Then change the subject. Your mil will not make the first move, but you are the bigger person. Win win.

DP wants nothing more to do with her due to the way she treated me so he says he's leaving it up to me.

Been offline for a few hours - just seen updates. Ok, SIL isn't even toxic MIL's blood child. In that case her problem, she can sort it out herself. You get on with loving and bringing up your own family.

If he's leaving it up to you, grab the opportunity to break free WITH BOTH HANDS!

Op have you seen the term "flying monkey" used on mn? That's what your Sil is. She's being used as a messenger by your Mil to allow her to continue manipulating without direct contact. Your choice now is to play her game or cut your Sil dead when she tries to turn the conversation to your Mil. If you just don't join in then the conversation cannot happen. Don't let your Mil in via the back door.

I've never seen that term but it fits this situation perfectly. I like SIL and we get on really well but it annoys me how she's told me to invite MIL to dd's birthday party. Why on earth should I?!

Tell SIL to mind her own bloody business and you will not be spoken to about this again. MIL had her chance - she can fuck off.

Sends like my own mother! Google narcissistic personality disorder and her behaviour might make a bit more sense. I know you shouldn't self diagnose but I drove myself crazy over the years trying to 'do the right thing' by my mother only to be manipulated by her tears and emotional blackmail which would then be turned, by her, somehow into all her issues being my fault. She even tried the 'I'm dying and you don't care' line which was horrible.

You won't change MIL but understanding what makes her tick and that it's not you will help.