AIBU to consider leaving DH over this?

[LeaveorStay]

DH has a bladder condition which makes it hard to pass urine. His urethra can spasm and "block" so he can have times where he can't pass urine at all. Often he can be going to the toilet every 10 minutes to try and clear a blockage, he's been hospitalised twice in the last year with the condition.

I was a SAHM for awhile, but DH was offered the opportunity to have the problem fixed by operation, so as he would only get SSP, I got a job to cover nursery fees for our DD and the rest of the bills minus his SSP. I work 3 days in the week and 1 at the weekend, DH is supposed to work 5 days.

I've been working now for 3 months but DH refuses to go back to the consultant to discuss having the operation and his condition is just getting worse.

In the last 3 months he's had 16 sick days, with a further 6 days over weekends when he wouldn't be working taken up by this condition. His work at unaware of what's wrong with him so he lies saying he's got a sickness bug or a cold, which is making the situation a whole lot worse. He doesn't get paid if he's off so I'm picking up the slack and having to work an extra day in the week, I'm also having to call in favours from family and friends with DD (14months) as she needs picking up from nursery two nights a week while I work late plus the extra day I'm picking up she needs to be cared for. It's meaning my mum having to go 5 miles out of her way twice a week to pick DD up from nursery (so an extra 20miles a week) and friends/neighbours having to look after her on the other days. People were happy to help for the 2/3 weeks he'd be on bedrest only after his op, and then for the 4-5 weeks after that before he could return to work I was going to pick up the extra day and nursery were going to have DD and arrange collection and drop off, they currently don't have room for her on the other day a week (the more days she does the cheaper the per day rate is). But this is taking the p out of our friends and family, particularly as I'm not allowed to say what the problem is. I'm fed up.

I can't even leave him with DD for 20 minutes while I pop to the shop as he can't stand still or bend down or do anything to help her, so I either have to take her with me, or make sure she's asleep and there's no chance she'll wake. How is it fair?

I've begged, I've pleaded, and I've written down how I feel. He just says it's worse for him. I know it's an embarrassing problem, particularly as it's generally diagnosed in men in their 60's not their 20's, but I just can't go on like this, I'm making compromise after compromise but he's doing nothing to help himself.

AIBU to give him the ultimatium that he either sorts himself out or I'm leaving?

Eudora - I expect she'd have had the op by now...

YANBU, LeaveorStay. The situation is putting you under incredible pressure, is completely unsustainable and is completely within his gift to put right. I would feel very resentful of a partner putting me under needless stress like this.

"AIBU to give him the ultimatium that he either sorts himself out or I'm leaving?"

You would leave because, in three months, he has failed to find the courage to sort out what sounds like a potentially serious health problem?

Do you know what has caused the urinary retention, the 'block'? For example is he diabetic, does he have prostate problems, other illness. Is the surgery a one-time cure-all, or is it likely to have recurring factors? Does the surgery have a high rate of complete success, or are there common complications?

I really don't see how you can help your DH with ultimatums and threats, It may be that you can help him by (for example) supporting research into his condition and it's treatment and then, armed with as much knowledge as possible, help him face his fears.
If that isn't something that either or both of you can't do ... and you really can't live with him through this ... then, yes, you should leave him, but don't make it an ultimatum.

Honestly? I would leave if he's not willing to help himself, lying to everyone, and leaving you to pick up ALL the slack and then some. It's not fair to you or your child to make you live like this ... possibly forever. Think on that!

I'd just tell him you're done and he needs to start packing because he's no longer welcome to inflict his misery, which is fixable, on you and your child. Follow through if that doesn't have him picking up the phone to his Consultant immediately.

But he hasn't failed to sort out the problem in 3 months - he and the OP agreed he'd have surgery, so she reorganised their lives to make it possible - now he's reneged on that (and if it's NHS, who knows how long it'll take to get a date anyway?) in the meantime she's working, looking after their child alone and not even allowed to tell anyone the problem!

I agree with the poster above who said that this will likely end up with an unplanned admission.

Sorry if I can't reply individually I've forgotten names.

He's tried self catheterisation but he hated doing it so stopped for ages and now he's at the point that he can't do it.

The op is not necessarily a one time fix all but in the 70% of cases they never need the big operation again just a dilation of the urethra 2-3 times a year which can be done at the local doctors surgery and would only require 1-2 days off work every 4-6 months, if his work were aware of the condition they'd let him have the time off to attend the appointments. The remaining 30% never have problems again and it fixes the problem completely. Age is also on his side because the younger he is the greater the chance of him never having problems again. The location of the problem should mean that they do not need to touch his balls/penis so we should be able to have more children in a few years time if the problem gets fixed - I've been to appointments with his consultant where this was explained.

I think the cruncher for me, would be the fact that he thinks it's ok if he loses his job, if he doesn't have the operation because you can support the family. So you're expected to work AND look after a sick husband AND a child.

I think you need to ask someone else in the family to intervene (what are his parents like? Is he close to siblings?) This is a serious issue that potentially threatens his, your and your daughter's future. If he won't talk to you about why he's avoiding the surgery, he may be more forthcoming with someone else.

His short term embarrassment or anger isn't important compared with the risk of his health, his job and your marriage.

Wow, I's it because of where it is ? Men are a little precious down there.

So he'd rather be sacked than tell anyone he's ill ?

.... in sickness and in health ...

I hope that my DH wouldn't consider leave me and the children if I developed a chronic, life affecting condition.

What are the risks of the surgery? What are the chances of a complete or partial cure? What are the likely side effects? What else is he scared of? I'd be trying to be understanding to all of that, rather than "I've had enough of your illness, I'm out". I can completely relate to him not wanting people to know the real reason, it's related to his genitals and he probably finds it highly embarrassing.

To be honest I've never heard of the urethra going into "spasm" - it sounds more like a stricture that requires a quick optical urethrotomy (under GA, takes 10 minutes) to widen the urethra generally.

I don't think you should threaten to tell your friends, or his friends, his confidential medical information. I'd be furious with DH if he broadcast my medical issues far and wide - they're mine to decide with whom I share and not his.

I do think you should sit down with him, talk properly over how he can see his future planning out if he doesn't have surgery. Don't make it all about you, make it about him and the pair of you. How does he see his life long term if he doesn't have the operation, does he really think he can live like this for the next several decades. Is he expecting you to support him financially and carry the burden of childcare/house stuff due to his illness and if so, how does he expect you to be able to do that without additional support? Find out why he hasn't sorted the operation out - he may be terrified of something completely minor, like the anaesthetic - which can be dealt with.

But ultimatums are never a good idea.

He presumably hasn't considered that if he loses his job in these circs (lying about reason for absence) it will hang over him in future job searches too and he's only young.

PhineyJ Exactly, the consultant said to give him a ring or make an appointment as soon as I'd got a job and DD was settled in Nursery, I'd have been happy for him to wait a couple of weeks but 3 months is ridiculous. Consultant said he'd be classed as an urgent case due to how quickly it's gotten worse after previous minor procedures that couldn't fix the problem, so he'd likely get a date for the op within a few weeks.

Even the nursery were trying to help, they said once we had a date for the op they could start to get two of the older children in DDs room ready to move up to the next room so that she could take their slot on the extra day when he needed the 4-5 weeks off after. They even said they'd arrange for her to be collected from home and dropped off at the end of the day. Literally all he needs to do is have the op.

Not really close to his parents, and he has a sister so don't think she'd be able to talk much sense into him.

I am suggesting telling one person with influence, in confidence, not walking round with a placard!

I think once you ignore a health issue to the extent that you're dragging the rest of your family into it, you have forfeited some of your right to be treated like an adult over it. You're not doing the partnership bit of marriage (different if the problem was unfixable, of course).

Of course he's scared. No doubt the OP was at times before childbirth, too.

What is the op Leave? Has he given reasons why he doesn't want it done?

To me it seems as if his condition has left him depressed and this is causing him to freeze rather than to act. Is there an organisation for his problem or can he get counselling?

Partially off-topic, but could I note that I personally lost an awful lot of my sympathy for poor men who understandably couldn't possibly go to the doctor with any issue that might be anywhere near their genitals after having the whole (yes, also embarrassing/painful/intimate) experience of pregnancy, childbirth, and subsequent necessary gynaecology.

never heard of the urethra going into "spasm" - it sounds more like a stricture that requires a quick optical urethrotomy (under GA, takes 10 minutes) to widen the urethra generally.

DH had an optical urthrotomy (well he had 2 in the space of a month). It did feck all, he ended up having a much larger op to sort him out.

Sorry OP. Okay, well his family doesn't sound much help. Get a babysitter, go out, discuss it as calmly as possible (write down some of what you've said here?) Worth giving it one more shot.

I do feel you've done all one could reasonably expect to support him.

If you can't leave your daughter with him now, he can't have access if you leave, surely?

Shock tactics?

ChampagneCommunist That's what I was hoping, I also know that if he couldn't see DD he'd be really upset so hopefully he'd sort himself out, I have enough support around me to be able to separate from him so I'm not worried about that (my mum, brother and grandparents all live within 10miles of us plus I have friends who'd help)

I know someone with this condition. The spasm is caused by extreme anxiety - with him, it's essentially a mental condition manifesting itself physically. It's caused appalling sleep disruption which itself sets off further anxiety. He self catheterises sometimes, but there are risks associated iwth doing that on a prolonged basis. If it's anything similar for your husband, how about approaching the issue together with a counsellor?

I would stop enabling him by lying for him. I would start planning your life as it would be without him (ie what shifts would you work then and how would you manage childcare?)

Presuming he notices, when he asks why I would explain directly that he is making no contribution to your life in this state and so you will have to make provision for going it alone. As a Previous poster said, if you can't leave your baby with him at all then hes got a lot to lose

I'd tell him I needed some space, take your DD and go to your folks or a friend's for a week.

I feel for you both OP
Men are so attached (well duh) to their willies and I've not met a guy yet who wasn't terrified of having his wee man operated on, or embarrassed about needing it in that area. And all operations aren't without risk. Say for example there was a risk he would no longer get an erection after the op, would you accept that? (This is based on info a friend was given wrt an operation he needed on his willy - I don't know the exact situ of your oh). I had an op on my urethra in my late teens and if I'd known the pain I'd have experienced afterwards (and mine is less than half the size of a mans urethra) I probably would not have gone through with it. These kinds of scare stories can really put someone off who is just about coping with the illness itself.

It's not fair to you but I don't think it's as straight forward as some PPs are making out. My mother has terrible surgery phobia and desperately needs knee replacements but refuses and can't walk. She'd rather be immobile than go for the op. Maybe he has similar.

Good luck whatever you decide

Yes I did make vows to him but while vows are promise, promises can be broken.

I have my own medical conditions which I keep under control so that I can work and look after DD, I've had operations to get myself into a better position with my health including one on my eye which had a 50% of me losing my sight (thankfully I didn't) but I had the operation so I could keep going. I've done my side of the bargain by getting a job, why is it fair that DH now gets to break his side because it's his genitals?

I'm going to talk to my mum and brother I think. Possibly my brother could get through to him about it, and i think my mum deserves to know why she's having to pick up the slack for my DH.