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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who pays for the takeaway?

84 replies

boozysuzy16 · 22/08/2016 19:42

DH has a lot of friends that visit us. We live very near a motorway that leads to a holiday destination in the UK so in the summer we have a lot of people 'dropping in'. I am heavily pregnant and with a toddler, DH works full time so we haven't wanted to cook for these people so takeaways have been suggested. Except that now I've realised in August alone we spent £300 on takeaways for people visiting, DH always goes to get them with those staying and it seems pays for them. He says its our house so we should be paying. I think we should go splits as they are dropping in on us, asking to pop in and we haven't specifically invited them. We don't go to their houses as with young DC we are never in the area and they never invite us. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
boozysuzy16 · 22/08/2016 20:46

He potentially does 'buy' their visits, which makes me feel very sad for him. He moved here to enjoy the 'holiday area' and doesn't see many people anymore.

I think he's far too generous and often says 'I want to get some of the lads down for rugby, ribs and beer'. This noted, hasn't happened for a while since we had DC1. Of course they all rock up and enjoy it but its not reciprocated, DH isn't offended by this but puts it down to them not being any good at hosting or not having the room.

It hacks me off though. I've said to him we aren't Welcome break and he agreed with me.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/08/2016 20:46

£300 and the month isn't over?! That's fucking ungodly. You need to have a word with DH about paying for these drop ins. I can't believe they don't insist on paying. WTAF?!!! That's just rude.

Original poster
boozysuzy16 · 22/08/2016 20:48

Sorry I meant 'in the last month' so in the past 30 days. I do a budget each time DH and I get paid and look at what we've spent our money on in the last month.

OP posts:
Champagneformyrealfriends · 22/08/2016 20:58

£300 on takeaway though is a lot. That's more than our whole food budget for the month.

Next time-crisps, pitta bread, dips, crudités and some sort of frozen dessert. Cheeky bastards.

MatildaTheCat · 22/08/2016 20:58

Do you live within the delivery area for Cook,the frozen meal people? Their food is very decent and a main can be padded out with a salad. They even sell the correct size ceramic dish so you can pop it in from the foil container and pretend you made it. ( can probably buy cheaper on Amazon).

Miles easier than takeaway. Add berries and cream and your dh can do all the work and still save time.

expatinscotland · 22/08/2016 21:00

That is still a ridiculous amount of money when you have a toddler and are about to have a baby. It needs to stop. Either he doesn't invite them for a meal, he tells them 'We go halves on a takeaway?' or he tells them, 'Sure, but if you'd like to stay for dinner, pick up X on the way,' because they are unbelievably rude to not insist on paying.

MaudlinNamechange · 22/08/2016 21:15

I get that you can't be doing with even chilli and jacket spuds, and all the other suggestions of easy dinners, but can you get your DH to do it? Do you have a freezer? Can you shove a load of pizzas in next time they are on special, or part baked bread and soup (the soup is not part baked you know what I mean) and then when your DH invites people, point him in their direction and tell him to sort food?

Do not - repeat, NOT - tell them you have eaten, because if you haven't you will be FUCKING HUNGRY and that's not on.

Original poster
boozysuzy16 · 22/08/2016 21:23

I do live near a 'Cook' thanks for the tip I'll go in there and stock up. I'll also go to Asda and get some pizzas. Just looked in my freezer and I've got frozen mince AND white sauce so I'll put together a lasagne tomorrow. I'll label it 'guest lasagne'.

OP posts:
Bagina · 22/08/2016 21:30

Asda pizzas are really nice! And a couple of garlic breads. Job done.

Cherrysoup · 22/08/2016 21:32

They're staying at yours? They should bring food. Tell them so when they phone. Cheeky feckers!

HeyOverHere · 22/08/2016 21:40

If you invite, you pay. If they invite themselves, either you go half or they pay. If they just show up on your doorstep and you're kind enough to let them in, I would hope they would pay entirely!

Notcontent · 22/08/2016 21:47

I think this in a very tricky subject - I don't blame you for being resentful, I would be too - but your DH is probably trying to avoid looking tight. I think the only solution is to avoid takeaways - just have some back up staples in the freezer that you can pop in the oven and you DH can deal with - pizza, lasagne, etc.

Shared takeaways can be a minefield - except when you are all poor students and then it's a given that everyone chips in!!!

Original poster
boozysuzy16 · 22/08/2016 23:04

I think thats it, its trying to not look tight and wants people to appreciate him. I feel sorry for him a bit.

OP posts:
CodyKing · 22/08/2016 23:23

You can get tinned chilly! Tins of soup and crusty bread

Send DH out shopping for guests - they're his guests and it shouldn't fall to you!

Leave him too it!

But he has to pay -

OptimisticSix · 22/08/2016 23:41

I'd make invited guest day beans on toast day :)

DarlingCoffee · 23/08/2016 07:50

I think you need to nip this in the bud pronto as it sounds like it could continue when you've got a newborn. To be honest I wouldn't even be letting these freeloading guests stay let alone feed them! Grin

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 23/08/2016 08:44

I feel really sorry for your hub OP, he sounds very sweet and I think his want for friends is meaning that he's allowing greedy feckers to take advantage of him (and you) entirely.

From now on, I definitely wouldn't invite any of them to break their travel with you and if any ask to visit you specifically to break their travel then I definitely wouldn't have them overnight, not ever, and would offer tea and maybe biscuits at the absolute most. I'd stick to this, even to the point of awkwardness.

If they really want to spend time with your DH they'll try to extend the visit by offering to buy food themselves and then at that point you can offer to go halves with them.

But I suspect that once the gravy stain stops, so will their visits. This will be sad for your DH on one level, but on another it'll be a good thing because it'll sort out the genuine friends from the freeloaders.

RestlessTraveller · 23/08/2016 10:25

If I had guests and decided to have a takeaway rather than cook there's no way I'd be asking them to pay for it.

Different strokes...

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 23/08/2016 11:21

Restless, they paid out over £300 last month on people who appear to be using them for a motorway stopover. From what I can understand these aren't really guests at all, but complete advantage taking freeloaders.

wizzywig · 23/08/2016 11:41

Buy in bulk from costco and stick stuff in the freezer.

RestlessTraveller · 23/08/2016 12:08

Still guests in my book though Weather, but I appreciate some may feel differently.

MargaretCavendish · 23/08/2016 13:32

People keeping saying they aren't guests because they're inviting themselves - but surely at the point where OP's DH asks them to stay they become 'invited'? It seems that it's inviting them to stay that means dinner is absolutely necessary, too - if he didn't do that it would be much easier to strategically arrange these visits to avoid mealtimes.

I do think takeaways are a bit of an etiquette minefield. The problem is that they're often suggested by the host as an alternative to cooking - but surely no one would ever cook for friends then charge them? I cook for friends a lot and it can be very expensive - I would be (quietly) pissed off if they then wanted me to go halves on a takeaway at their house.

Lweji · 23/08/2016 13:49

A "guest" who says they are going to come by at dinner time, is really self-inviting. Not a proper guest who is first invited then goes.

Telling someone they are going to their place at meal times and not offering to take any food is rude, IMO. Unless it's your parents. Wink

myownprivateidaho · 23/08/2016 14:03

I think your DH is telling them it's his shout. Otherwise it doesn't make sense that he is paying for 100% every time. As to whether that's ok -- I guess it depends on how you arrange your household finances and whether it would be ok for you to spend £300 on yourself over a similar amount of time.

babba2014 · 23/08/2016 14:04

There has to be a time where you have to say no. That is a lot of money to spend in one month. I just think that could go on the kids future. I understand friends are valuable and I grew up with family who would cook lots of meals but £300 is too much. I also understand how difficult it is to be in the kitchen pregnant, let alone with a toddler. The pizza and lasagne idea sounds good but tell your OH to cook it. Probably getting a takeaway is easier for him.
I don't know what I'd do in the situation. I think my OH would listen eventually but if not then I'd statt matching the money and taking out £300 myself the next month (and put it away for the kids).
I also live right off a motorway that leads to a holiday destination and I've had people come on their way and on their return but it's not frequent so it's okay. But we are also really close to them, both my OH and I. We've cooked, we've had takeaways but if that was happening over and over again to £300 worth it would be a shock.
If they're inviting themselves over then I'd tell them to being some food. It might make you look bad but they don't feel bad to take up your generous offer in the end. My family and I are are arguing with each other at the takeaway place saying no Ill pay and many of the times they do pay.

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