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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think maybe Dh could have got me a birthday present for my 40th?

56 replies

PikachuSayBoo · 22/08/2016 18:23

Or even a card.

He hasn't. There are no financial excuses at all.

A few months ago I said I would like to go to the zoo when it was my birthday. So in fairness to him he spent £70 on zoo tickets for him, me and dd. Plus we had a night in a travelodge the night before and dinner in Waggamamma.

I think he's probably just been a bloke and thinking he's spent £200. Which I guess he has.

But when it was his 40th i hired a cottage for the weekend, invited 20 friends for dinner at the cottage, catered for all those people including wine and I still bought him presents.

I'm not expecting/wanting something expensive. But it would have been nice to have had something to open on my birthday and I haven't had a single present. And it's my fucking 40th!

OP posts:
tupperwareAARGGH · 22/08/2016 18:50

Have a mug of vino instead after that shitty comment form him.

Debinaround · 22/08/2016 18:54

What a shitbag! Angry

Happy birthday Pika FlowersCakeWineCakeWineFlowers

Original poster
PikachuSayBoo · 22/08/2016 18:54

I haven't even got any wine in the house! Bad planning!

OP posts:
Debinaround · 22/08/2016 18:54

WineWineWineWineWineWineWineWineWineWineWineWine

Danglyweed · 22/08/2016 18:58

An actual physical present and card would be nice too!

Its my 30th soon, dh has booked me a spa day, my idea of absolute hell but hes insistent I might enjoy it... he's not going to get me a proper present either I guess. Well when its his 40th next year, he'll be getting a fucking garden gnome.

dragonsarebest · 22/08/2016 19:06

Happy birthday to you, did you have a good weekend? It sounds as though he got what he thought you wanted, tbh.

For my DP's 40th he wanted to go to Berlin, so we did, for two weeks. On his actual birthday we went for a really nice meal and to the cabaret (what we wanted). I can't actually remember if I got him a card tbh but he definitely didn't get a present to open.

However, it's my 40th this year and we won't be going away - I expect a day out and a meal or something. I think I would quite like a gift to mark the occasion but it feels churlish after not getting him anything last year. So I'm not sure, but I think perhaps we should both be a bit more upfront about what we actually want...

Original poster
PikachuSayBoo · 22/08/2016 19:06

I'm sure if I had said to him for my birthday I would like a trip to the zoo and a bottle of perfume/some makeup/a suprise physical present so I have something to open he would have done. I just think it's a shame that he seems to need to be spoonfed ideas. But now I feel a bit guilty for being ungrateful because it was a nice weekend.

OP posts:
dragonsarebest · 22/08/2016 19:07

sorry that should have said what he wanted

Original poster
PikachuSayBoo · 22/08/2016 19:09

I'm sure from his point of view he thinks he got me what I wanted and techically I guess he's right.

But with positions swapped I would have thought "oh he must have something to actually open on his birthday" and actually got a present.

But I suppose people have different thought processes/ideas.

Anyway this has being helpful getting me to think it's through and I don't feel as bad now.

OP posts:
Puddington · 22/08/2016 19:15

Yes I can see both sides of this -- truthfully even after a nice weekend away I would be a bit sad if I didn't get a card, it's just a nice gesture and my DP and I always fill ours with silly inside jokes. But at the same time there are some people (of both sexes) who need certain things spelled out to them and he probably thought he'd fulfilled your birthday wish. So I don't think you're being particularly unreasonable but he also probably didn't mean to be hurtful. I'm glad you had a nice weekend at least :)

Rollonbedtime7pm · 22/08/2016 19:25

I think he's rubbish!

If it were me and DH, the trip to the zoo, hotel and dinner would be bought from the joint account and then DH would buy me presents with his own money! Everyone got to enjoy the trip, where is your own personal treat for it actually being your birthday?

And a list is your friend - he's clearly shown he is crap at spontaneous presents so give him a list and get something you actually want! I always write a list, saves him buying stuff I don't want and wasting his money and I get something I really like! Win win!

PizzaPlease · 22/08/2016 19:33

Its my birthday today too! Happy birthday! Similarly to you I didn't get anything today either, but I also didn't do anything! I've been pretty sick recently so the not doing anything didn't bother me as I wouldn't be up to much but I got upset that he hadn't even taken the time to sit down with our 3 year old and have her make a card, nevermind bought any gifts or well anything really! Considering the circumstances I thought it was pretty cruel. Anyway he must have felt bad because he nipped out to run an errand and came back with a card, some chocolates and a gift card! It didn't fully make up for the morning but I appreciated the gesture. I think sometimes you have to say something because it means different things to different people. He didn't think I'd be so upset at not having a card from my daughter because to him it's just a card, but to me it was something a little more than that and she isn't old enough to do it unsupervised. Now he's taken her off to bed and I'm going to relax for the night, eat Indian food and watch a movie! Grin

AbyssinianBanana · 22/08/2016 19:34

You took care of him and showed him how he's appreciated for his last birthday and he didn't reciprocate.

I'm guessing he's as thoughless in daily life too.

AbyssinianBanana · 22/08/2016 19:35

And no, TELLING someone what to do to make you happy for your bday isn't taking care of you, so he zoo trip doesn't count.

HicDraconis · 22/08/2016 19:46

YABU. He gave you a gift - a trip to the zoo (that you'd asked for), a night away and a meal out. That it couldn't be unwrapped in no way negates it being a birthday present.

I think it sounds like a lovely thing to do for your 40th. If I were your DH, had organised that and then been told you were disappointed over lack of physical thing to open on top, I'd be quite hurt - that I'd organised what you said you wanted and it still wasn't good enough.

The cake / diet comment on the other hand I'd have had words about.

abbieanders · 22/08/2016 19:53

I think that's a bit rubbish. 40 is a big deal. A family day out is lovely but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a fuss from your husband on such an important milestone. And then going on about your weight because he wasn't arsed getting a cake? The cheek of him! I would not be into that.

OneEpisode · 22/08/2016 19:55

The cake comment is way out of order. Happy birthday. I would be choosing a cake recipe for him to bake asap.

Original poster
PikachuSayBoo · 22/08/2016 19:56

Happy birthday pizzaPlease. Glad you got something even if a bit late. Enjoy your meal and film.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 22/08/2016 19:56

Dd has just pointed out to Dh I have no birthday cake. He said I need to go on a diet anyway!

Now that really is cuntish.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 22/08/2016 20:02

Assuming the zoo trip was your present - forgivable
Not bothering with card or flowers etc - a bit shit
The diet comment - arseholeish.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 22/08/2016 20:25

Happy birthday! Cake and Flowers for you.
I'm sorry he was rubbish. I don't think there's any excuse tbh. He should have rushed out to buy a cake not said you were on a diet. He's a bit of an arse.

RepentAtLeisure · 22/08/2016 20:29

Well, he sounds like a bit of a twat. But in future, if you are intending to have one with him, tell him what to get you. 'DH, for my birthday I would like a trip to the theatre, a chocolate cake, and a bottle of Chanel perfume.'

Original poster
PikachuSayBoo · 22/08/2016 20:33

Yes, I think better communication is needed.

Problem is I feel rude demanding asking for specifics when it comes to presents. I didn't feel bad asking about the day out partly because it was my 40th and partly because everyone benefited.

OP posts:
bikerlou · 22/08/2016 20:39

I'd be fucking furious, excuse my french but really?
Mind you I'd also have been telling him what I wanted months in advance. He's never know what to get me so I'd have to choose something for him to order.

Mojito7 · 22/08/2016 20:50

OP - Happy Birthday and YANBU AT ALL! Why are some men so crap? I just can't fathom it really. I think you should tell him that this was a milestone birthday and he, as your husband, should have come up with something off his own bat. Yes, it's the THOUGHT that counts. If in doubt, he can never go wrong with a diamond of some description.

Some people get very weird and depressed in the lead up and aftermath of milestone birthdays such as this and he's lucky you're not one of them.

Lots of people these days are celebrating their 40th YEAR - in an attempt to take the focus off the day. So you could do this perhaps? Tell him he has a year to come up with something - but sooner rather than later would obviously be better.

Unfortunately you do have to spell things out to some people because they don't get it on their own. Good luck!

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