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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to pay dad's mortgage paymebts

32 replies

Mammylamb · 20/08/2016 23:27

More of a "was I being unreasonable" as time has passed and I sometimes wonder what the right approach was.

When I was 19, my parents split up; my dad leaving my mum for another woman. Upon leaving he said my mum could keep the house. The next week he said me and my brother (then 17)could keep his share of the house. We didn't believe him to be honest and didn't expect anything

One week later when we met with him he told me that I should now pay his half of the mortgage. I told him it wasn't my responsibility (I paid my mum £250 a month rent from a £750 a month salary, so wasn't rolling in it).

My mum spoke to her solicitor who said that I had no obligation to pay my dad's share of the mortgage, and I would have no legal right to his share of the house even if I did pay his share of the mortgage each month.

When I told my dad this he shouted at me and told me that his solicitor said that it was unfair for him to pay the mortgage on the house which two grown up children lived in (at 17 and 19 we were barely grown up)

So as not to drip feed; my mum wasn't mean in charging £250 a month rent; she didn't earn a lot either.

The house was bought through right to buy and at a large discount and was due to be sold a few years later, so my dad was due to get a healthy profit from his investment.

Wibu in refusing to pay his share of mortgage? He didn't speak to me for years because of this

OP posts:

MillionToOneChances · 20/08/2016 23:30

YWNBU

RubyGoat · 20/08/2016 23:32

YANBU. He made the decision to leave, you were neither legally nor morally responsible to pay it. I suspect, from what you say, you couldn't have afforded to in any case, unless you were happy to leave yourself extremely short each month after the rent & mortgage were paid.

He sounds childish & unreasonable to have refused to speak to you for this. I hipe you & the rest of your family didn't suffer financially due to his actions.

Velvetdarkness · 20/08/2016 23:34

Yanbu. His decision to leave, his issue. He could have gifted you his share if he didn't want it but why should you have paid for it for him to benefit from it later?

FTM89 · 20/08/2016 23:37

YANBU
Guessing he never did give you his share of the house?

MammaTJ · 20/08/2016 23:37

He did not stop speaking to you because you were unreasonable, he stopped speaking to you because he knew he was wrong in leaving your mum for another woman and in his treatment of you and this was the only way he could even slightly justify it in his head.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/08/2016 23:40

Well,you were paying board already. If he and his solicitor thought that you should pay his share of the mortgage, did they suggest that he transferred part of his interest in the house to you ? I suspect not.So what did he think would be the benefit to you?
I think it is decidedly dodgy to expect your children to take over your reponsibilities when dumping your wife, without even a consultation or discussion. He sounds very unreasonable.
Do you have a relationship with him now? If you do,watch your back.
Sorry you had to go through this.

TrinityForce · 20/08/2016 23:57

Could you have actually afforded to pay his half of the mortgage? Could you have done so AND kept giving your mother £250 (I'm guessing she needed this £ based on your post).

I don't think you could have done anything else. He was a cunt, and offloading his cuntishness to his kids. Like a cunt.
It wasn't your problem that he still had a mortgage to pay - it was his cunty choice to cheat and his responsibility doesn't end there.

Considering you're asking - has he continued this cunty behaviour recently?

Original poster

Mammylamb · 20/08/2016 23:59

I should point out that he kept his share when the house was sold! In the end I actually did pay a couple of months mortgage as he had an accident and was unable to work. Only stopped paying it when I discovered he and his new partner bought a holiday home together! When I pulled him up about that he didn't speak to me for 3 years

We do have a relationship of sorts now (15 years later!). However he always tries to make me feel guilty for various things. There have been a few times where he hasn't spoken to me or my brother for years if we didn't do what he wanted, or show him the respect he thought he deserved.

I'm doing great now, married with a boy, good job, own home etc. just that my dad always makes me feel guilty about doing well and having money (he is broke these days after spending all his money on holidays and cars) or about not seeing him often or involving him in our lives. But he often arranges to visit and cancels at the last minute (even when I had just had my first baby, he cancelled on me)

OP posts:

sleeponeday · 21/08/2016 00:06

I think you should perhaps think about what he contributes to your life in any positive sense. If nothing, why are you still in contact with him? It's not compulsory. If you want, you can walk away tomorrow and never look back. As with all abusive relationships.

cannotlogin · 21/08/2016 00:12

Entitlement is a very strong trait in people who have affairs. When the obvious is pointed out to them - that the are in the wrong - they react by cutting people off, by being hurt, by being angry. Withdrawing the relationship is meant to really hurt. In realit,may far the majority of people realise they are better off without them.

Please walk away and take measures to protect yourself. It will always be about him.

Boogers · 21/08/2016 00:13

Your dad sounds like an arse who tried to shaft his own children financially. You were not being unreasonable to not pay his half of the mortgage. He was being very unreasonable for even trying it on in the first place.

Respect has to be earned and he certainly doesn't deserve yours. I wouldn't be too bothered when he flounces for whatever reason. It's entirely his loss.

hungryhippo90 · 21/08/2016 00:26

You were definitely not being u!
He sounds a bit like my own dad. Believes his amazing but fucked over his own child for selfishness.
Do you need this relationship?1

Original poster

Mammylamb · 21/08/2016 00:40

I'm thinking of this now as he has only visited twice since I've had my son (I was I'll until June and couldn't travel). He cancelled a visit early July, 10 minutes after he was due to arrive. He didn't get in contact since so I text to check he was ok. He then made out he had a terrible time with his latest wife (if anything goes wrong it's always her fault according to him). Then instead of him calling me, she leaves a voicemail saying that she will explain everything. She is a decent, nice woman, but has mental health issues. But I don't want to listen to her justify herself and him use her as an excuse why he hasn't been in touch. I'm seriously thinking about just not getting in touch with him again, but then I worry that when he dies I'll feel guilty for not putting effort into seeing him

OP posts:

Vickyyyy · 21/08/2016 00:54

YWNBU at all. Honestly, I don't wish to talk your father down but I kinda think the plan may have been for you to pay off his mortgage then for him to get the profit from selling the place :/

ImissGrannyW · 21/08/2016 01:01

Actually, I think it's disgusting when parents involve the children in their adult problems, whether the children are 7 / 9 or 17 / 19. I don't think you should feel guilty one bit.

You've said you've got a DS. If anything should happen between you and your partner, do you think he should be responsible????

DixieWishbone · 21/08/2016 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DesignedForLife · 21/08/2016 04:37

YWNBU. It was totally not your responsibility. And from the rest of your posts he sounds very childish and manipulative. Not sure you're ever going to win with him. I'd personally back off and leave him to his own devices.

Thatsmeinthecorner2016 · 21/08/2016 07:00

Your father and my father could have been twins.
Narcissists of the world unite and move to a different universe. You are making your families miserable. My father took a voluntary redundancy years ago and retired with an extremely generous package other people bought weekend houses and new cars from. Not sure what he used his for but when he and my Mum divorced, she discovered he also took all the money from one of their savings accounts. Then, few years ago, he got involved in some business I don't want to know a lot about because we suspect it was dodgy and when it failed, he owed lots of money. He started calling us and asking to give him money, cash or in instalments because we are his children and have the duty to support him. All of us point blank refused and he still makes this an issue because he's apparently so poor. You'd like to love some people simply because they are your family but they make it fucking difficult.

AppleSetsSail · 21/08/2016 07:08

Goodness, no. Firstly your dad should not have left your family in a lurch when you were 19, and secondly he should have never involved you in the grisly financial details of the marital breakup, and thirdly he continues to be completely shite.

I'd keep my distance.

froubylou · 21/08/2016 07:08

He sounds like my fil. He is an utter utter bastard. Was a cunt to my lovely mil until she died. Blew 60k in about 8 months in the bookies and pub. Then denied he had been left that much. To me and dp. Who helped him sort it all out when he died.

My dp was seriously ill in HDU and he asked me over the bed if we could loan him some money.

Moved another woman in 4 months after mil died.

Only ever called when he needed something.

Didn't bother visiting dp wheN he had a heart attack.

Has seen ds about 4 times in 2.8 years.

We are more or less NC with him now. It makes life much nicer.

YorkieDorkie · 21/08/2016 07:12

YWNBU! If you'd paid his share, in the event of the house being sold, you wouldn't have been considered in any way legally. It's like piggy bank having a hole in the bottom.

GoldFishFingerz · 21/08/2016 07:20

He sounds awful. He ignores you when he fails to bully you into doing what he wants. It's all about his needs and not about yours.

GoldFishFingerz · 21/08/2016 07:24

It would have been OK to nicely ask you if you'd like to take over the mortgage and have it written up at the solicitors. However it was a long shot and highly unlikely to happen. His response was the damaging thing.

mathanxiety · 21/08/2016 07:45

Your dad is a narcissist.

YWNBU not to pay and YANBU to watch your back when dealing with him.

Arkhamasylum · 21/08/2016 08:19

He sounds like a manipulative, entitled liar. He tries to make you feel guilty so he can control you.

Please don't feel guilty. You own a house because you have a good job, not because you've manipulated your own child into paying your mortgage. These things you have should make you feel happy and proud of yourself, not guilty.

He's a bastard.

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