To refuse to pay dad's mortgage paymebts

[Mammylamb]

More of a "was I being unreasonable" as time has passed and I sometimes wonder what the right approach was.

When I was 19, my parents split up; my dad leaving my mum for another woman. Upon leaving he said my mum could keep the house. The next week he said me and my brother (then 17)could keep his share of the house. We didn't believe him to be honest and didn't expect anything

One week later when we met with him he told me that I should now pay his half of the mortgage. I told him it wasn't my responsibility (I paid my mum £250 a month rent from a £750 a month salary, so wasn't rolling in it).

My mum spoke to her solicitor who said that I had no obligation to pay my dad's share of the mortgage, and I would have no legal right to his share of the house even if I did pay his share of the mortgage each month.

When I told my dad this he shouted at me and told me that his solicitor said that it was unfair for him to pay the mortgage on the house which two grown up children lived in (at 17 and 19 we were barely grown up)

So as not to drip feed; my mum wasn't mean in charging £250 a month rent; she didn't earn a lot either.

The house was bought through right to buy and at a large discount and was due to be sold a few years later, so my dad was due to get a healthy profit from his investment.

Wibu in refusing to pay his share of mortgage? He didn't speak to me for years because of this

It has often been my experience that people display the most indignation when they have been fairly caught out. Expecting you to cover his share of the mortgage when it was only going to benefit him was completely unreasonable and unfair as well as being hardly in the spirit of good parenthood. You're supposed to regard all the time and money spent on your children as an investment in their future, not in yours! He's just a selfish man and it's a great shame that you owe half your genetic material to him. Fortunately it sounds like you've grown up to favour the responsible half of your family. Do try not to feel guilty.

Manipulative and sulky- Lovely combo!

He did not stop speaking to you because you were unreasonable, he stopped speaking to you because he knew he was wrong in leaving your mum for another woman and in his treatment of you and this was the only way he could even slightly justify it in his head.

This!

And also the other poster upthread who said about people who have affairs usually being entitled arses who get angry and cut people off to hurt them if they don't go along with their demands which suit their narrative at the time.

Very good points.

I think maybe you should ask yourself what I did when I had a child - do I want my child exposed to this behaviour? Has this person been a positive in anyone's life, ever, as far as you know? If the answer to both is no, then for me at least the choice was made.

You wouldn't believe it but if you met him, you would probably like him. He's actually really good company and fun. Growing up I was closer to him than my mum. He always seemed more generous and my mum is nowhere near as charming (in fact she is very blunt, and speaks her mind. She can be quite cheeky). When my parents split up, I think he assumed my brother and I would take his side; he made out my mum was at fault; always nagging etc. but in the wake of the divorce it became obvious my mum was actually by far the generous one; she just wasn't showy about it (she will argue about giving me a 5pence carrier bag and won't spend more than a pound on coffee when we are out, yet she paid for most of my wedding, split her inheritance with me and my brother, and has literally given us thousands over the year; but only to spend on worthwhile things like a house deposit, never on crap). She actually has flourished since the divorce

A lot of people like your dad invest much energy into impressing people, but once those people have been discounted or devalued (after they realise what they are dealing with) they are known to often treat them like toe jam.

People like your dad see relationships as arenas where there are winners and losers. They like to be the winners. There will be overt and covert competition with a co-parent. When he and your mum were together he most likely had an agenda - playing cool dad and 'winning' in a competition he had set up in his head against your mum, where the prize was the children's loyalty and displays of affection.

Actually I would believe it - my father is like that, too. He treats the people around him, who are closest, with appalling ruthlessness but unless you know him well he seems this lovely man who has struggled with a succession of awful wives and ungrateful children. Charm is powerful but it's not a quality. It's just a knack. And people mistake it for something of value - as you say, you realised the reality when you looked at what they did, rather than how they seemed.