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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu not to pay half?

33 replies

shopaholic999 · 20/08/2016 10:25

Right..

Me and ex have been split 10 years..we agreed at the time that i wouldn't take money off him for maintenance. Instead, he would pay for anything related to school like uniforms, shoes and coats, school dinners (in winter), trips and any extra activities that he likes to do. I also need to add that he has regular contact but is less than half. This has worked for us as I have no qualms in letting him know something at school needs paying for.

Anyway, dc has an activity that requires yearly fees, not an awful lot but still something that needs paying. Ex has contacted me asking if I'll pay half! Now please tell me I'm right to feel a little annoyed as it is one of the few things ex pays for through the year. School uniforms are paid for once yearly by him and I still buy a separate set for my house. School shoes sometimes are needed twice a year, same as a coat. Which have sometimes been paid for by ex mil. The last school residential I ended up paying half as I just couldn't be bothered with confrontation. But ex pil paid half of ex's half.

I don't want to come across as being tight and at the moment I have a few other things going on and feel quite vulnerable so I want to avoid any problems. I know if I spoke to DH he would say just pay it as it isn't that much but we are quite struggling at the moment and every penny needs to count. I also know that if we didn't pay it then dc wouldn't miss out and it would be paid for by ex.

Aibu to not pay half or should I just suck it up and pay up??

OP posts:

Mycraneisfixed · 20/08/2016 10:34

Just pay up but then arrange proper maintenance with your ex. You'll both be able to budget better if he knows how much he has to contribute each month and you know how much you'll receive.

Welshrainbow · 20/08/2016 10:40

Tell him to either pay or you will pay it but will then be wanting proper monthly maintenance as your agreement clearly isn't working anymore if you paid half the last trip and extra uniform for your house. What exactly has he paid in last year, a pair of shoes, couple of coats, half the uniform as you also paid for a set and half a trip?

Original poster

shopaholic999 · 20/08/2016 10:49

In the last year he has paid for 1 set of uniform, 1 pair of shoes and a coat. Dc has had 2 pairs of shoes and 2 coats paid for by ex mil. Half a half of a school trip and school dinners throughout winter. He also took him aboard for 2 weeks. Hmmmm when I write it down, it isn't a lot at all. There is something really stopping me from claiming maintenance. It was a really messy break up and I was portrayed to be a money grabbing psychopath..so far from the truth as I were on the bones of my arse and never took any more than what he was paying in school necessities.

He clearly has no problems in asking me for money so maybe I should stand firm and not entertain the idea of coughing up a penny.

OP posts:

LemonSqueezy0 · 20/08/2016 10:52

As has been said, the arrangements clearly aren't working. Say it calmly and rationally but firmly.it could be a bit of a sticky conversation. However, A monthly fixed amount would be fairer and make it easier to budget.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 20/08/2016 10:52

Who cares if others think you are money grabbing?
Get what you are entitled to.

T0ddlerSlave · 20/08/2016 10:55

Just tell him he either pays for it all as per the agreement or he starts paying regular maintenance.

OurBlanche · 20/08/2016 10:56

One response required:

Pay up or we change to formal maintenance payments.

You could add the approximate monthly payments, with the calculator link, if you want make your point fully: This is what the government will make you pay... your choice

WhatTheActualFugg · 20/08/2016 10:56

YU expecting this to work out well and not sort out proper maintenance.

I don't understand why you can't apply for formal maintenance. Surely that will be fairer and easier on all parties? Including your child.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/08/2016 11:09

Tell him to pay up or you go for proper maintenance. Your pride and determination to NOT be what he thinks you are (money grabbing) has allowed him to get away with far too much already - give him the choice now to either stop arsing about or formalise the payments, which will almost certainly mean he has to pay more.

Don't let it lie though because if you hold out hoping that he will pay out of the "goodness" of his heart, your child will probably miss out.

43percentburnt · 20/08/2016 11:10

Take maintenance formally. He uses money grabbing to get you to not ask for anything. Take your full legal entitlement.

At the moment he feels you are not contributing fairly to your child's expenditure - hence he is texting you asking for half. By taking formal maintenance you can assure him he is not been ripped off by you and you are not a grabbing penny more of his money then you are legally entitled to.

If you don't need the full amount - save the surplus. I guarantee you will end up paying for driving lessons, university, weddings and grandchildren as Mr Greedy won't be footing the bill.

Tally up his financial contribution - it's been a while since I bought a primary school uniform - but the adverts suggest you can pick up a full uniform reasonably cheap.

He's another Greedy one.

dalmatianmad · 20/08/2016 11:10

He's got it very easy at the moment! Very easy. I would contact the child maintenence service and do it formally, sounds like he's shirked his responsibities for long enough

gamerchick · 20/08/2016 11:13

Who cares what he thinks. Start CM and get what your child is entitled to.

43percentburnt · 20/08/2016 11:15

If he calls you money grabbing call him a tight arsed Scroogey hoarder. Where was the uniform, shoes and coat from? Good quality? or tight arsed Scroogey hoarder quality?

TheOptimisticPessimist · 20/08/2016 11:19

1 set of uniform, 1 pair of shoes and a coat. Dc has had 2 pairs of shoes and 2 coats paid for by ex mil. Half a half of a school trip and school dinners throughout winter. He also took him aboard for 2 weeks.

No it really isn't a lot. Expecting you to pay half of the activity against the terms of your current agreement is just greedy. Get proper maintenance. He has a duty to pay for his child, and if you can do without the additional money then use it for the things he pays for now then put the rest in savings for your DC. It has nothing to do with being money grabbing and everything to do with ensuring your child is being supported by both parents.

Inertia · 20/08/2016 11:21

Tell him you will instigate a formal maintenance agreement, and once the first payment is through you can pay half of this bill.

AgentProvocateur · 20/08/2016 11:22

The money is for your child - get proper maintenance set up so your child gets what he's legally entitled to, and not just some uniform clothes here and there.

Doggity · 20/08/2016 11:28

I don't think YABU but what are the contact arrangements? Do you have 50-50?

Original poster

shopaholic999 · 20/08/2016 12:12

Thanks for the replies..kinda realised I've been a.l bit soft..hmmm

Contact arrangements work out at about 12 days per month for him and the rest to me.

I think I will give him one of two options, either stick to the arrangement we already have or I file for proper maintenance. I've used the calculator and works out at 27quid a month as he has other children to support.

Where do I stand when it comes to high school trips. Dc goes to high school this time and I've seen on the school website the trips are to place like New York, Disneyland, skiing I know they aren't compulsory but it would be nice for dc to go on one trip..but I'm not sure we could afford even half towards the cost of one of these trips.

OP posts:

HereIAm20 · 20/08/2016 12:17

Do you mean £27 per week as per month seems very low? At that rate it woukd seem he wouldn't be sble to afford half of the non-compulsory overpriced school trips anyway. I think you'll find these are usually undersubscribed anyway so I wouldn't focus too much on thise st this stage.

RepentAtLeisure · 20/08/2016 12:23

There is something really stopping me from claiming maintenance. It was a really messy break up and I was portrayed to be a money grabbing psychopath..so far from the truth as I were on the bones of my arse and never took any more than what he was paying in school necessities.

That is a very common tactic used by men and their 'side' to try and shame women away from claiming financial support. It's shameful of them. You should claim what your ds is owed, and if they want to be scandalized by you asking your child's father to make more than a taken contribution to his life, then you know exactly what kind of people they are.

TaterTots · 20/08/2016 12:27

Unfortunately you made a rod for your own back by agreeing to no maintenance. It's now easy for him to argue that a school trip isn't essential.

FullTimeYummy · 20/08/2016 12:33

Hang on a minute, 12 days a month? It seems you aren't due a great deal of maintenance , if your ex had contact for three more days a month you might not be due any maintenance at all.

Are you being deliberately vague with the detail of this arrangement? What was the total spend for the uniforms, etc.?

Original poster

shopaholic999 · 20/08/2016 13:08

Sorry yes 27 a week, that takes into consideration the amount he has dc and other children he supports.

Deliberately vague? What am I being vague about? Some weeks dc go twice a week the next it'll be 3 days a week so 12 days all together give or take a couple of days depending on the length of the month.

Total spend for uniforms last year were approx £100 (uniform, coat and shoes).

School dinners at £11 per week through winter only that starts approx oct-March.

Then half a half of school trip which would of been £20 for his bit. So all in all not a lot. Ex mil bought dc a new coat and shoes this year. Shoes and coat are good quality items from clarks and next.

I know DH will say just pay it but to me it's the principle of it. I know I've made a rod for my own back but there's never been instances where additional money has been spent as Dc has only got seriously interested in his hobby over the last 12 months or so. Other activities have been either through school or through holiday clubs when contact has fallen on my time and I've been at work.

OP posts:

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 20/08/2016 13:20

So he should be paying approx. £1404 a year, maybe a little less pending contact days.
He is currently paying approx £384 a year, maybe a little less when school holidays without dinners taken into account.
Add on paying for the holiuday abroad, and he's still paying you less than half.
Tell him straight. You're all feeling the pinch , not just him, and he's had it easy for years. Simple maths. He sees those figures and he'll pay up.

FullTimeYummy · 20/08/2016 16:31

//\ cheers for doing the sums, and thanks OP for the extra detail.

Assuming that there isn't expenditure that you are unaware of, your ex has been underpaying it seems, which is wrong.

However the proposed £27 a week increase almost quadruples what he had agreed to pay and pushes him well into "overpaying" territory. So in that sense YABU.

With the overpaying in mind, if you go through official channels, will you really be that much better off?

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