Aibu not to pay half?

[shopaholic999]

Right..

Me and ex have been split 10 years..we agreed at the time that i wouldn't take money off him for maintenance. Instead, he would pay for anything related to school like uniforms, shoes and coats, school dinners (in winter), trips and any extra activities that he likes to do. I also need to add that he has regular contact but is less than half. This has worked for us as I have no qualms in letting him know something at school needs paying for.

Anyway, dc has an activity that requires yearly fees, not an awful lot but still something that needs paying. Ex has contacted me asking if I'll pay half! Now please tell me I'm right to feel a little annoyed as it is one of the few things ex pays for through the year. School uniforms are paid for once yearly by him and I still buy a separate set for my house. School shoes sometimes are needed twice a year, same as a coat. Which have sometimes been paid for by ex mil. The last school residential I ended up paying half as I just couldn't be bothered with confrontation. But ex pil paid half of ex's half.

I don't want to come across as being tight and at the moment I have a few other things going on and feel quite vulnerable so I want to avoid any problems. I know if I spoke to DH he would say just pay it as it isn't that much but we are quite struggling at the moment and every penny needs to count. I also know that if we didn't pay it then dc wouldn't miss out and it would be paid for by ex.

Aibu to not pay half or should I just suck it up and pay up??

^
He hasn't agreed to overpay. He hasn't agreed £27/week. That figure is what OP would get via the CSA if she's done her sums right.
At the moment he pays a quarter of what he should be paying. I was being generous saying just under half as I added on a couple of hundred for a holiday abroad.
The OP should get him to pay £27/week. Atm she is heavily subsidising her ex.

And from what I understand, these payments are the absolute minimum. I think the money grabber is the ex.

It doesn't matter whether he has them 12 days a month or not. He is currently paying less towards his kids than he should be, and clearly isn't appreciating the fact. I would be inclined to say to him "Look, I appreciate things are tight but that's the case here too. It's your choice whether we continue with what we agreed (in which case you need to pay for the activity) or we go through the CMS going forward. Let me know your preference by the end of the week, please."

You shouldn't have to ask for money and shouldn't be in this position. Claim maintenance properly. You have years of this to go.

Flipping heck! Startproceedings for formal maintenance to be paid

Send him a message saying that unfortunately the current set up isn't working, that you have started proceedings for him to pay formal child maintenance. Hold firm against the bullying that will follow. Get themaintenance and stop being taken for a ride by this unpleasant man.

Formal maintainance all the way. You need to think of this as your ds's money, that might give you the strength to fight his corner. If you don't need it all for day to day expenses still collect it from the ex but pop it in a savings account for ds. There may come a day when this money is the difference between ds being able to do something like go to uni or not based on these funds.
Also personally I don't call him taking ds on a holiday an argument for reduced payment, that is something he chooses to do relating to his time with ds which is already taken into account as part of the 12 days he has him.

You don't have to be confrontational, I would word it " I will pay the full cost of the activity this time and I think I would prefer to get a more formal monthly set amount sorted so that we can both budget accordingly. If you know how much you need to find and this is spread evenly throughout the year then I'm sure that will be better for both of us. I will seek advice on a fair and appropriate monthly figure and come back to you".
Don't hit him with the figures straight off, let the fact you are changing the rules sink in, then tell him the bad news!

"Hi ex,

You are going back on our agreement, an agreement which was very financially beneficial to you, and this is now happening with increasing frequency. Legally, DS is meant to be financially supported by both his parents.

I am no longer going to subsidise your side of the agreement, I can't afford it and you are already paying a lot less than the legal minimum which isn't fair on DS. I will be contacting the CMS to get maintenance arranged formally.

Shopaholic"