To make DS take DSS along again

[MaryCoco]

Name changed as this very identifying.

My DS and DSS are both 13, DH and I have been together for 7 years but because we both have every other week arrangements, the boys rarely see each other.

So DS would stay with us for a week and at this point DSS would be at his mother's then DS would go to his Dad's the following week and DSS would stay with us. So they only really see each other during the holidays.

They have very seperate lives, go to different schools, have different interests etc but they've always been friendly with each other.

The past year DSS has had some horrible bullying at school, it's been such an awful year for him and it's really changed him, he's not as out going as he use to be, more quiet, doesn't like to go out anymore

He's starting a new school this September and it's quite close to DS' school, lots of DS' friends attend the school.

DSS has spent most of the holidays when he's with us in his room, DH and I have managed to take him out a handful of days and he hated going out with us.

Two weeks ago DS and all his friends were going out to the cinema/arcade/lunch it was quite a large group and a number of the kids attend DSS new school, so I asked DS if he could ask DSS to join them

I had lots of complaints from DS, DSS is apparently too boring, too quiet, lame, would embarrass him etc but I wasn't taking no for an answer.

They both had a great time and DS said that DSS wasn't that bad. Which was pretty much code for you were right Mum.

Tonight DS and a large group around 12 other kids are going bowling, he was telling us over dinner last night and complaining about the odd number so they couldn't have a proper match.

DSS asked if he could come, it's the first time all summer that DSS has actually asked to do something and DS instead of saying yes no problem, said he'd have to ask.

When I asked him after dinner away from DSS and DH who exactly he had to ask, he said he just didn't want to take DSS as he'd embarrass him

I brought up the last time DSS went with him and how he wasn't that bad and he just shrugged, I told him he'd have to take him and he just rolled his eyes and went up to his room.

They're both still sleeping whilst I'm sitting here annoyed, I don't get it, is it really that hard to show some empathy and take DSS along, AIBU?

Oh I do feel for your DSS. But I think that you are absolutely right to get DS to include him, because DSS put himself out there, asking to be included, and a knock-back at this stage could set the seal on a rift between him and DS for a long time.

DS needs to understand why he should include DSS though, so that he doesn't resent DSS over it - otherwise that in itself could create a rift :(

People who say "Oh they have to make their own way socially' do not understand what social responsibility or the meaning of community is.

These are very important lessons for young people to learn

When I was about 15 I belonged to a drama group and a new girl came along. She was a massive geek...socially awkward and plain.

We quickly made up a "funny" name for her and excused it as a "nickname"...it was a mean name.

We ostracised her for weeks until one of our number came and told us this girl was actually cool...very, very clever and witty.

Suddenly she was cool....I never forgot that lesson.

If my ds did this I would be furious. 13 year olds are perfectly capable of empathy, and perfectly capable of putting themselves out a bit for someone else.

Why do we have such low expectations for our teenagers?

OP- I think you are absolutely right- and I would insist. It's a big group, he's not going to be glued to his stepbrother's side all evening. And it's bowling, so something definite to do.

Oh OP I totally get you, but you are viewing it with an adult's perspective and experience...something your son doesn't share.
I have a 14 yr old son. I love the very bones of him but it's a tough age to parent. This situation must be very awkward and heart-rending for you. x

Ahh good stuff OP, he sounds like a lovely boy (like you!) I just know how some kids can be so was concerned it might go like that for DSS.

In that case I would have a chat with DS and spell it out to him just how bad of a year he has had and that you think this outing would do him the world of good just before he starts new school. Tell him the decision is his but you would personally appreciate it if he gave it a proper mull over.

Thing is to you, you're thinking this is just the second time and I won't ask again.
To your ds it is I did it once and now I'm going to be asked every time.
Even if you say you won't ask again, I suspect if your dss sees him going and says can he come another time you're going to be pushing for it.
It was always the last time/won't ask again when dm asked.

Telling him you'll be so proud if he takes him is emotional blackmail and likely to lead to resentment.

Call his bluff and ask him to ask if dss can come to make up numbers, fine. Trying to pressurise ds is going to lead to bigger issues, both in their relationship and potentially with the children at his new school as they are likely to be on your ds' side as they've known him longer if a rift comes between them.

Why is it emotional blackmail if it's the truth? OP will be proud if he does. You don't need to say 'this thing' or 'that thing' when you can just tell him honestly how you feel. This will make me happy and I will be proud of you. Equally if you don't do it I will be disappointed but won't hold it against you.

The truth about how you feel is invariably the best option.

I'd try to make him. I'd talk to him about his thoughts and reasons and the group dynamic, make his feelings heard. But I'd try to make him.

This could hugely backfire on your DS though.

Next summer this group of friends could well be your DSS's group of friends. Who might not want DSS's unkind step brother hanging out with them...

Mary - you are bang on 100% right - it is our responsibility as adults to encourage the next generation to be compassionate and show kindness. Your DS has done so well to date and this has spring-boarded you DSS confidence at this critical time starting an new school. He should be rewarded and recognised for this.

I would be tempted to bribe your DS in this one instance!!

Think I'd state my case with ds but I wouldn't keep on about it or insist.
Feel really sorry for dss but it has to willingly come from ds. I don't think making him is a good idea at all.

Why do you have your contact set up so the boys hardly ever see each other? This is the wierdest aspect of your post, to me. If you are a blended family, why don't you blend more so that the boys can become friends and more like brothers, instead of like strangers who don't have the time and contact to build up a brotherly relationship. Swop one of their weekends so you have them both at the same time. Having them both every other week but in different weeks seems madness to me. You will help your family blend if they spend every other weekend together rather than "rarely". Why do you do it this way? Can you not see you can improve their relationship if they saw each other more?

I wonder if ds is worried about dss replacing him with this group or ruining his friendship with these children? You don't say how ds has ended up with a large social group that includes a lot of children who go to a different school to him, but if he's in the minority who doesn't go to that school, he might well already feel more of an outsider who hasn't shared in what's happening in the week, doesn't know the other people being talked about etc.

Bringing in dss who will be going to that school, able to hang out with them when he's at his dad's, as well as in the school day is a bit much.

And if the others don't like dss, as ds doesn't go to the school, it's a lot easier to just cut him out.

Ask ds again, but if really doesn't want to, don't force it, you'll just cause resentment.

You sound lovely Op.
I have 2 DDs very close in age and have in the past 'encouraged' the one who has something arranged to include the other one when they have gone through a rough patch or even just when they are are their own. They have learnt to look out for each other. Now they are 18/19 and bump into each other in town and end up in the same group etc.
There will be times in the future when your DS will appreciate having someone around who is a similar age.

Got to agree with Reality - it is odd that you don't have them at the same time - perhaps need to recognise that while dss is a big part of your life, he's not a big part of ds's.

Hellsbells - but these two boys spend virtually no time together, they go to different schools then are only today for a couple of weeks in the school holidays. There's no reason to think they will be friends when older, they won't know each other very well!

If the op wants the boys to act like siblings, she needs to make sure they spend more than just a bit of the holidays together.

Reality, oh yeah because if we really could do that we wouldn't their are 2 other adults involved in the every other week arrangement, XH's shift patterns means he can't swap weeks with me and DSS' mother also for work reasons can't swap weeks. XH can take DS on the 1st and 3rd week of every month whilst DSS' mother can do the 2nd and 4th week of every month neither want to make life harder for themselves so that their DC can have more time with their step sibling. But again this thread isn't about that.

Dinosaur, I did say somewhere on this thread that they're mostly friends from primary and after school activities. The schools are also close enough that some of them see each other on the way there and back, but these are very much holiday friends and DS rarely does anything with them during term time.

I'll ask him once, tell him straight and then drop it.

All your DS has to do is tell his friends that his DSB has been bullied and doesn't have much confidence at the moment. If they're decent children they should understand.

I know dc's should get to have their own friends and do their own activities, but this boy is isolated socially, and I'd worry that if he's knocked back he won't have the confidence to ask again. He was reasonable to think that he would be welcomed with odd numbers. I'd have a chat with your DS, and ask him to be kind.

I'd be careful about telling DS to tell his friends who'll be at DSS's school that he's been bullied, he doesn't want to arrive at the new school being known as the boy that's had to move schools because he was bullied, it should be a fresh start for him.

OP - perhaps then if your DS doesn't get to spend much time with this group, you do need to allow him to have his friends that are just his.

It can It can be true and still emotional blackmail.
Say “It would be really kind if you would invite him” is fine “I will be so proud of you if you invite him” is emotional blackmail, because you are using your feelings (and the fact he minds about them) to try and manipulate him into doing it.

YANBU. Just asking your DS to include his stepbrother occasionally in his activities is not unreasonable, and learning to put other people first sometimes is an excellent lesson for any teenager.

Nothing to add but OP you sound lovely.
I hope it works out!

neither want to make life harder for themselves so that their DC can have more time with their step sibling.

Speaks volumes. (even though the 'thread isn't a about that')

If it were me, I'd insist. It's not that big an ask for DS to take DSS along.

Will you make him say No if he stays obdurate?

YABU. It's not fair to ask DS to impose DSS on his friends. It's a group of friends going out together and none of them know DSS.

If DS had chance to ask if they'd mind beforehand that would have been nice but it isn't your or his call really.

It's a group of friends going out together and none of them know DSS.

There will be a mixture of friends and their friends. They don't all know each other.