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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about not having children?

59 replies

vanillaelderberry · 19/08/2016 10:01

I have just turned 36.

I am single.

I'm really starting to worry. I maybe have four years in which to meet someone and have children Hmm is that even likely? I remember when the last Olympics were on I was quite convinced I'd be married and settled by 2016 and instead here I am.

I'm really starting to worry it just won't happen at all and if it doesn't, how I'll reconcile myself. I know I will but I also know it will always be a source of sadness.

OP posts:
Original poster
vanillaelderberry · 19/08/2016 12:55

True, I think I'm discouraged as I have tried in the past and got nowhere?

OP posts:
pigsknickers · 19/08/2016 13:07

I got together with my partner just before I turned 34, now at 37 I am about to have second child...We had already been friends for a long time though, but one summer the dynamic between us shifted subtly and we suddenly realised we were exactly what each other wanted and needed. Maybe doesn't sound dead romantic but it was (and continues to be) totally brilliant. Could there possibly be someone in your life already that you've got used to not thinking of "in that way"? I really hope it happens for you, I can really empathise with how you're feeling but these things can take you by surprise if you allow them to.

Mistykit · 19/08/2016 13:16

I'm totally in the same boat. I'm 37 and trying to get my head around never having children. I don't want it to be a shock were I get to 40/41 and then it hits home that I'm on my own. I'm not sure how best to get my head around it.. if anyone has any advice that would be much appreciated

Latenightreader · 19/08/2016 13:41

I'm in a similar position. I always imagined that by this point in my life (37) I'd be married/partnered with a child. It hasn't happened and over the last year or two I've been coming to terms with this. Part of the thought process has been realising that I wasn't that bothered by the partner part, it was missing out on being a parent that really upset me.

Initially I thought like you, that I really wouldn't want to do this alone. As it became clear that I wasn't going to meet someone in time, I changed my mind. I am now in the process of trying to have a baby on my own, and it seems like there are more of us about than you'd imagine!

I'm not trying to talk you around by any means - you've stated that you don't think it is for you. However there are several books and websites about being a single mother by choice (although lots are very USA focused), which may help others on this thread decide. I was scared of the idea initially, but it felt right for me - I know it isn't for everyone, and yes I am scared of what other people's reaction might be.

When I made the decision to try on my own it was like a huge weight lifted off of me and I felt happier than I had in ages. I don't earn a huge salary, but I live in an inexpensive part the country and have managed to save a bit over the last few years, so I am lucky - I can afford to go to the clinic, and it definitely isn't a cheap process. The most important thing is to figure out what you will feel most comfortable with going forward.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 19/08/2016 13:47

Don't give up, I was divorced at 36 (married an asshole) then when I was 38 I met my now DH we have two lovely boys in the space of 4 years. Focus on what you want. Good luck.

TheCatsBiscuits · 19/08/2016 13:54

Agree you need to do something different. Have you got a male friend or friend-of-a-friend who goes to the football/rugby/cricket or to some activity you wouldn't normally do? I met my DH when I went to keep my best mate company while her boyfriend played football for a local team. DH was one of her boyfriend's 'football friends' - for some reason, when I was shaking them down for potential dates, they'd only considered their work or ex-uni circle because I'm not that into sport. Which is true, but having friend there, and cheering on friend's BF broke the ice, and standing next to DH for a few hours (good weather and a few beers also helped) did the trick.

mrswhiplington · 19/08/2016 14:06

Have you thought about doing a few shifts in the evening at a nice local pub. It brings you into contact with lots of people, men and women, they may have things like quiz nights. You tend to get a broader range of people at those sort of things, plus you will be earning money.Grin

juneau · 19/08/2016 16:39

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Seriously. We all have to pick ourselves up after a few knock-backs, whether its dating or trying to get a job or run a triathlon. Giving up is the easy option, but it doesn't get you what you want. To get that, you're going to need to put yourself out there and risk something. The rewards if you succeed though will surely be worth it?

juneau · 19/08/2016 16:45

One more thing - you describe yourself as 'plain', but do you make the best of yourself? Do you get your hair cut regularly? Get your eyelashes and brows tinted? When was the last time you updated your make-up? Have you ever had a stylist take a look at the colours you wear, the styles you wear and been honest about whether they suit you or whether you could be wearing clothes that make you look your best and give you confidence? From your posts you sound a bit defeated and lacking in confidence - if this comes over in real life then that could be holding you back.

Glittershoes22 · 19/08/2016 16:54

My advice is be aggressive and don't let life pass you by. If you truly want a relationship and a family you need to make it happen, otherwise you need to come to terms with the fact you may be in the exact same position in 4 years time.

As much as I was loathe to do internet dating, I was having no luck meeting some one in a "naturally occurring" situation so I got stuck in and met my OH. It was actually really empowering going out there and getting what I wanted. Internet dating can be hard work but it only takes one date with the right person and the whole course of your life can change!

Good luck!!

BerriesandLeaves · 19/08/2016 17:04

I've always been naturally plain too, but i had a window of time when I was very slim due to work stress and at that time i made an effort with makeup and wore short dresses and skirts and it was the only time in my life when I've had plenty of people fancying me, so I think a nice figure/makeup/attractive clothes can overide plainess. I have no idea how slim you are already of course, but slimming world is good if you have any weight you need to lose. I also found a walking club a good way of meeting men and eventually met a friend's work colleague, so if you have any friends with nice work colleagues?

Original poster
vanillaelderberry · 19/08/2016 17:20

I do, june but you ultimately can't turn a pigs ear into a silk purse Grin I definitely am rubbish with OD, have tried a few times.

I do think like a PP what I need to get my head round now is the fact it probably won't happen, and to in a sense come to terms with that.

OP posts:
jellycat1 · 19/08/2016 17:30

You sound defeated OP which is a shame, as many of us are living proof it can happen in your late 30s. I think there's some brilliant advice on here for you. Love the football / rugby team idea. Also the pub shift idea is brilliant. Just make sure it's a very nice pub! Don't give up.

BerriesandLeaves · 19/08/2016 17:46

I know someone who was plain and overweight* who got a job in a pub after a divorce and she had two men on the go at the same time, so you might be on to something there.
*I am too. I'm not being horrible.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 19/08/2016 17:57

If you don't keep trying, then you will definitely end up on your own.
at least if you keep trying and getting out there, then you have some chance of meeting someone.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 19/08/2016 18:00

As someone going through the heartbreak of infertility I second the suggestion of freezing your eggs - I hope and pray you won't need it, but since fertility declines rapidly once you're past 35 you'd be crazy to chance it and risk not having DC at all.

I also agree you should be proactive in looking for someone - whether that's through joining activities, clubs or OLD.

I realise I sound all doom-and-gloom but please don't miss the boat - time and tide wait for no (wo)man.

Original poster
vanillaelderberry · 19/08/2016 18:09

It is how to try, Al :) I think egg freezing isn't hugely effective, really.

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 19/08/2016 18:12

I'm currently dating through OLD, read lots of advice on the dating threads on here (currently dating thread 105).

You need to meet lots of men, be more open-minded and less defeatest, to give yourself the maximum chance of meeting a potential partner. Stop looking for The One and think of yourself as the prize checking out your options.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 19/08/2016 18:12

keep at the online dating.
go out and do something social at least once a week. you must go out if you want to meet someone.
tell your friends you are looking to meet someone and they can help you. join a new club.
yes - try doing a few shifts at a pub.
volunteer.
go on a singles holiday.

Original poster
vanillaelderberry · 19/08/2016 18:13

But do you get interest when you put yourself on dating sites? I just get ignored Blush

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 19/08/2016 18:17

If you sound desperate and defeatest in your profile you'll be ignored or get the weirdos.

Be positive and light, you'll get more weirdos but some good potential replies.

Original poster
vanillaelderberry · 19/08/2016 18:18

Nooo - honestly, I get ignored.

I think it is about coming to terms with having a different sort of life to perhaps the one I envisioned.

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 19/08/2016 18:27

Give up on plan A. Plan B could be based on being happy, honest (more direct) and resourceful (open-minded). Meet lots of men with a clear idea on wanting a good life and see what happens (maybe with DCs).

Have you tried Tinder, Plenty of Fish and Match?

Have you tried photography classes, or similar?

Original poster
vanillaelderberry · 19/08/2016 18:28

Yeah, I've tried match and pof - not bothered with tinder.

OP posts: