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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like this about ex DH's wedding?

31 replies

Bocolatechiscuit · 18/08/2016 09:15

Been separated coming up to 4 years, divorced 2, with new partner for 3. I instigated the separation because although I loved him dearly, precious misdemeanours on his part meant I just couldn't trust him. We get on fine for the DC, I couldn't ask for more in a dad for them, pays maintenance, sees DC religiously, supports school events when possible etc even though he lives away now.

He's getting married soon and I've known a year or so. I cried when he told me on the phone (I was ok till he kept asking 'are you ok? Are you SURE you're ok?' and then eventually said 'no but I will be' and out the phone down sharpish)

It's getting really close and I'm dreading it. Of course I'm being all excited for DC about it but know that on the day I'll be so upset seeing the fb photos, the congratulations etc. I don't really understand my feelings myself and can't say anything to DP because I don't think he'll understand either. I know I don't want my ex but I kind of feel 'why couldn't we work it out? Why couldn't he be faithful to me like he is to her (no idea if he even is)? Why couldn't we make our lovely little family work?' I'm crying now even typing this and it's ridiculous after so long!

Is this normal? Have others had the same? I need to plan something to do on the day I think to take my mind off it don't I? Do I just tell DP how I'm feeling, but how do I explain it to him without it sounding like I want him back which I don't?

Aaargh what a muddle...bloody emotions!

OP posts:

hazeimcgee · 18/08/2016 09:36

I think telling DP might just lead to a whole arguement about how you havn't got over your ex and still love him. That might even be true!

I think it's normal to have a wistful that should still be us with our happy family and why couldn't he treat me like he treats her but you do seem overly upset by this.

How do you feel about DP? Are you put out ex is getting married and you aren-t?

NavyandWhite · 18/08/2016 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Queenbean · 18/08/2016 09:48

This is hard. I feel, well jealous isn't the right word, but a bit emotional about ex-partners getting married, let alone a previous husband.

Three things:

you broke up for a reason. If you were still in that relationship you'd be unhappy. Remind yourself what was bad about it and stop viewing it through rose tinted specs.
you have no idea what's going on in their relationship. People only project the best bits and you have no idea that their relationship is any better / happier etc than yours. Concentrate on your dp and stop comparing yourself.
get off Facebook. As per point two, you'll only see the best bits and torturing yourself is just not healthy. At least delete your app so you won't be tempted to look at it all the time.

Finally, (sorry, point 4!!) accept how you feel. Work through processing those emotions and realise that you won't feel like this forever.

for you. Relationships are hard.

bombayflambe · 18/08/2016 09:48

YANBU.
The thing is that it isn't about him. It's about the life you thought you had that didn't work out. It's about mourning a lost future, and sometimes that grieving process gets missed because we are so busy with kids and practicalities. This wedding will draw a line under all of that. Mourn now, allow yourself to be sad, and then let it go so that you can build a new future with your DP. It's actually a really healthy thing you are feeling. Don't worry.
FWIW I did have the same: in the run up to my own wedding, in spite of thoroughly disliking my ex. Confused the heck out of my now DH. It released a lot of anger and hurt I hadn't realised that I was still carrying.

eightbluebirds · 18/08/2016 09:55

YANBU. It's normal to feel sad. It doesn't mean you're still in love with him or want him back, it's just the realisation that you once saw a future with this man, pictured your life with him, and this is the final ending to all of that. It's not about him but for more the fairytale story that came with it all. But as PP say, you broke up for a reason and you have no idea about the ins and outs of their relationship. Take a deep breath and think about what YOU need and want in life. I also agree that talking to your OH might not be the best idea, I think it would be very hard for him to sympathise with you. Are there any friends you can talk to about it?

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 18/08/2016 10:00

My friend is like this except her EX had a baby 9 (less than a year after they split up) with his new GF. I understand why you would be feeling like it. You have a DC together so there will never be a straight split. You even said you broke up still loving him. You don't just turn those feelings off

GeorgiePeachie · 18/08/2016 10:06

Have you seen StepMom?
There's a scene where the dad tells his ex wife that he wants to marry his gf.
She cries. She says: What makes you think that this marriage will work when ours didn't?
I sense that you might be feeling the same way. It's not that you want to be with him and it sounds like things are great with you being apart and with new found loves. That doesn't make the loss of your marriage any less sad.
embrace your own happiness in your life. I hope you feel better but I acknowledge it is a very bitter sweet emotion to deal with.
xxx

JustForThisTopic · 18/08/2016 10:08

💐 YANBU

I agree with all the other posters. Especially with Bombay, you are grieving for the life you should have had & the person he should have been with you (ie faithful! - not that you know he is now!) and it's making you feel 'lesser' & crap about yourself.

No matter how fantastic your partner is now, it's natural to wish it had worked out with your children's Dad, especially when he's a great Dad & mostly a nice bloke, one who still - to some degree - cares about you & your feelings. There'll probably always be that little bit of regret there, especially on important days in your, his & the children's lives - for what could/should have been.

However, remember, he fucked up big time, not you, you did the right thing ending it because he couldn't keep his cock in his pants. He cheated on you and your life wouldn't have been the one you are mourning. Like ok at the reality he created, not the ideal he fucked up and be glad you aren't the one wringing your hands worrying about who he's fucking now.

No matter how lovely your DP is, I wouldn't discuss this with him. These things HURT no matter how much you understand on a logical level, talk to us, talk to a friend, but don't hurt your DP.

Razorlightnight · 18/08/2016 10:13

I get it. I broke up with my ex husband but grieved for ages about it. I had expected marriage to be for life and I truly wanted us to be happy forever. Sometimes hard to accept that it doesn't always work out.

Amelie10 · 18/08/2016 10:17

Yanbu, I think you are feeling down about what could have been rather than actually wanting him back. More to do with you being a family rather than actually staying together? I agree it's not a good idea to tell your dp, because this feeling will pass and you don't want to leave your dp feeling insecure. It's normal op, just give yourself time

GummyBunting · 18/08/2016 10:31

YANBU. Perfectly reasonable and normal. It doesn't mean you still love him or love your DP any less.

Have you and DP talked about whether marriage is something you'd like to do? Could your upset also be coming from something there?

Eatthecake · 18/08/2016 10:59

I think it's a normal reaction when you've shared a large part of your life with somebody. 💐

It sound like you two are good parents to your DC after your split which is refreshing to read.

Benedikte2 · 18/08/2016 10:59

Bo plate I think you are just releasing the remaining emotions you have re the break down of your marriage. Most of us go into it with high expectations of happy ever after etc and the breakdown is a bereavement and it is well known that grieving can take a long time , even when one feels one has got over the initial raw grief and is coping well.
You also have had to discard the dreams of parenting your DC with their father etc. It must hurt to see your DC excited about their father marrying another woman.
Let your emotions out and I'm sure you will then feel a lot better and able to cope. Don't whatever you do sour your relationship with DP by any misunderstandings about feelings for xDH
Good luck

MrsMac2014 · 18/08/2016 11:03

What topic says.

He couldn't be trusted, HE mucked up.

and definitely do something you enjoy on the day so you're not sitting around moping about it, book a spa day with your friends or have a day out with them.
Of course it's understandable for you to feel this way. Take care and be nice to yourself

OllyBJolly · 18/08/2016 11:06

I felt exactly the same - had no feelings for ex, and loved his wife (who was the OW).

His wedding was a painful reminder of how we had started off with so many hopes and dreams, the great lives we would create for our children, the fun times, the mutual friends who would be celebrating their wedding who had been at ours. (OW was at ours!) He was going to promise her he would love her forever just as he had promised me.

There was also a huge regret that this was the first big event in my DCs lives that I had no part in. They were bridesmaids and beyond excited by it all. I couldn't even get plastered because I had to go pick them up from the reception!

But no, don't tell DP. I think it's such a complex emotion it is difficult to understand.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 18/08/2016 11:58

I felt a bit the same. Even tho XDH was an arse. He announced the wedding before the actual divorce, which was a bit, err, previous.... There are signs that he behaves no better with the current wife, which is good because it wasn't soley directed/about me, and bad for her obviously, despite them getting together with indecent haste after we split up/or maybe before....never did get to the bottom of that one. Hard seeing her have the name I shared with him for 20 yrs... I'm getting over it now tho, a couple of years down the line. You will too!

Original poster

Bocolatechiscuit · 18/08/2016 13:50

Thank you all so much for the support-lots of you have hit the nail on the head in saying it's not about him per se, but about the loss of my marriage and the family unit I thought we were creating together. I hope to be able to arrange something fab to do on the day but I will be with DP and am still concerned it will be obvious to him that I'm struggling that day. I'll have to try my hardest to chuck myself into having fun with him and try to put it out of my mind. I hadn't thought of the name thing by the way. I still have his name and it feels weird that she will have it too, therefore ha I f the same name as my DC. Very odd but just modern families and I am just pleased we have a good relationship for the DC-I realise we're very lucky to have that.

Thank you all again.

OP posts:

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 18/08/2016 14:32

I think it's ok to mourn what was supposed to be 'your' life.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 18/08/2016 15:40

When this happened to me, I booked with my bessie to go overnight to a spa. I drank wine, and we took the mickey out of XH's inadequate bedroom performance performance generally, both as a husband and as a human being. It felt a lot better. As a wise MNer said to me at the time, "When you have reached the land of Meh, you are free". Meh is only a few strides away.

Original poster

Bocolatechiscuit · 20/08/2016 17:47

DC have now gone to EX for the wedding and it does feel odd. I'm just trying to put my feelings to one side and have worked with DC to arrange a lovely gift from them and for a surprise message to be read out on the day (written by DC). I genuinely hope they all have a lovely day and wish them all the best, despite my own grieving, which is how you've all helped me to be able to recognise these feelings now.

OP posts:

llhj · 20/08/2016 17:52

You sound like a very sorted person! He was certainly a fool to mess up up his relationship with you. Congratulations on being a really good mum.

fastdaytears · 20/08/2016 17:54

Great update. Lovely idea about the duties gift.

What do you have planned for yourself while all this is going on? Can you do something nice with your DP?

Or just and

fastdaytears · 20/08/2016 17:58

Duties gift? Surprise gift

No idea what a duties gift is

mrsfuzzy · 20/08/2016 17:59

he messed up once, he might do it again, selfish i know but you won't be on the shit end again, at least you have been able to move on with dp and maintain a decent communication with your ex.

Original poster

Bocolatechiscuit · 20/08/2016 18:04

I really hope he doesn't, mrsfuzzy. DC have come to terms with the separation really well and love his fiancée. I hope for the DC he has found someone better suited to him and has learnt his lesson. I genuinely want them all to be happy and settled now, mainly for the DC of course, but for all of them. He's not a bad man-made a silly mistake I couldn't forget. A really great dad as I said. Hopefully it will last for them all.

OP posts:

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