To feel like this about ex DH's wedding?

[Bocolatechiscuit]

Been separated coming up to 4 years, divorced 2, with new partner for 3. I instigated the separation because although I loved him dearly, precious misdemeanours on his part meant I just couldn't trust him. We get on fine for the DC, I couldn't ask for more in a dad for them, pays maintenance, sees DC religiously, supports school events when possible etc even though he lives away now.

He's getting married soon and I've known a year or so. I cried when he told me on the phone (I was ok till he kept asking 'are you ok? Are you SURE you're ok?' and then eventually said 'no but I will be' and out the phone down sharpish)

It's getting really close and I'm dreading it. Of course I'm being all excited for DC about it but know that on the day I'll be so upset seeing the fb photos, the congratulations etc. I don't really understand my feelings myself and can't say anything to DP because I don't think he'll understand either. I know I don't want my ex but I kind of feel 'why couldn't we work it out? Why couldn't he be faithful to me like he is to her (no idea if he even is)? Why couldn't we make our lovely little family work?' I'm crying now even typing this and it's ridiculous after so long!

Is this normal? Have others had the same? I need to plan something to do on the day I think to take my mind off it don't I? Do I just tell DP how I'm feeling, but how do I explain it to him without it sounding like I want him back which I don't?

Aaargh what a muddle...bloody emotions!

Unfollow him on FB until after the wedding. He'll never know and it's not irreversible. Try to do something nice for yourself on the day

Brilliant posts bombay and birds.

You're spot on right, IMO - unresolved grief for a life that could have been, but didn't. Nothing to do with being in love/not in love with him - more repressed emotion coming to the fore, perhaps?

I've been separated for over ten years. He's had relationships in that decade, as have I and I've never felt upset. Then two years ago he announced he was going to be a father again. Despite not being in love with him anymore I was completely devastated. It took a long time for me to come to terms with it. I suspect I'd feel the same if he remarried even though I know we've both moved on.

I felt like this and for me too it was not about wanting him back. It was that, for someone who claimed to be utterly heartbroken about our split, he moved on with lightening speed and got married again, leaving me wondering if he had ever truly loved me as he didnt seem to need any time at all to get over me. I needed far longer and I instigated it.

Then I realised that it was because he probably just didnt want to be on his own, and it was no reflection on me. That he would never change and while it was desperately sad that our family didnt work, it was not down to me and staying with him wouldnt have made any of us happier.

It is ok to grieve what you thought you were going to have with him if he hadnt spoiled it.

I was very surprised by how I felt when my ex got married. I was having counselling for something else and the counsellor talked through it with me and I realised that I was channelling anger into upset. He made a real effort to modify his behaviour for his new partner. He stopped the disappearing acts. He didn't spend all their money on shite. He stopped quitting jobs when he was 'bored'. And he didn't, and still doesn't, speak to her like she's shit on his shoe. I was angry he couldn't make that effort for me, and for our girls. It's natural to grieve something you've lost.

What a lovely idea re. the gift/surprise!

FWIW your feelings are completely legitimate and normal! I've been separated from exH for three years, divorced for two. I was the one who left him. I'm also a really together, professionally successful, socially involved thirty-something. Basically, I'm the kind of person everyone else thinks really has their shit together. When I learned that my ex was getting married again, I was a sobbing, snotty mess for two days.

It's not that you want them back necessarily (I definitely didn't), but it will affect you anyway:

• It's a part of your life that could have been now definitely being over and done with. A door closed on you, so to speak.
• Let's face it: we all hate to think we're replaceable in many ways.
• It makes you compare yourself. Inevitably.
• ...

The good news is that it really does get better. Have some and some and , if you like, a god sob. Noone's judging!