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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting costs on hen do, AIBU?

61 replies

AmIReadingThisCorrectly · 17/08/2016 15:46

I have been invited to a hen do at the end of the year. It is 4 days (and 3 nights) of different activities and people have been told they can pick and choose what they want to do but most people are doing everything.
In order to accommodate all of the people coming from quite a way away, the organiser has booked accommodation for us all but has said that they realise that because of the days involved, they know that not everyone can stay for the full
3 nights. However they have asked that the costs for the accommodation are split equally between everyone whether we stay for 1,2 or 3 nights. My other problem is that the accommodation is quite rural and the town where all the hen do "events" are happening is actually much closer to my own house than the accommodation, meaning I'll also have to pay more to join in with the transport than if I stayed at mine and drove/got taxis to the events. I'm happy to suck that up in order to be able to stay with the others and join in with the atmosphere but due to work and childcare commitments, I can only stay 1 night and will need to drive/taxi for the rest. AIBU to say something about the fact I feel like I'm subsidising all of the other people staying for 3 nights? The price being charged is really, really good for 3 nights in this place but works out quite expensive for those who want to stay just for 1, altogether it's probably be the same amount as going abroad for a weekend! Not really been in this position before and wondered what other people thought...

OP posts:
Lemonwords · 17/08/2016 16:45

It's a nightmare organising large groups. To then have to juggle some staying 1, some 2 and some 3 it becomes ridiculous. Don't forget they will also be coordinating the activities, hen do paraphernalia etc

That's the cost. Pay it or stay at home.

Lulooo · 17/08/2016 16:50

Personally, I wouldn't fork out for everyone else. I'd go for the daytime and say I can't stay overnight due to childcare arrangements.
If it meant I'd still have to pay then it would depend on how much I wanted to be a part of the hen do. If I wanted it that badly then I'd pay and keep quiet. If not then I'd just sit out of the whole thing.

Original poster
AmIReadingThisCorrectly · 17/08/2016 16:51

roll I don't know the organiser personally. The bride asked for a list of people to be invited and it looks like the organiser picked her friends out of the list and talked things through with them. Then I got a message out of the blue the other day from a member of the bride's family to say "you need to reply to the email/text about the hen do". I hadn't heard anything about it and told the family member I didn't know what she was talking about. Next day I got an event invitation on Facebook where there are messages dating back a few months saying "we've got accommodation, please say yes or no and pay by X date", so it had obviously been organised for quite a while. There were about 10 of us who were added the other day so are quite new to it all.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 17/08/2016 16:52

Why on earth should you pay for 3 nights when you're only staying 2? That is just ridiculous! In that scenario, I would just travel to and back to the hen and stay in your own bed. The organiser is being extremely unreasonable.

MissClarke86 · 17/08/2016 16:53

I think I agree with Lemon. Having organised an average sized hen do in the past, even that was a logistical nightmare.

I was trying to imagine how she could have done it differently...asked people to sign up for nights, by a certain deadline, and then booked for those rooms and charged per room per night. However, it rarely works out that simplistically and I imagine people would then change their minds, drop out etc and then other people get arsed for having to pick up the slack. At least this way people know what they're paying from the start and can say yes or no. I imagine she can just cancel whole rooms for the duration, which is probably easier than bitting and bobbing with rooms.

Tbh if it was me, I'd have specified a hotel and told people to book their own rooms, but I appreciate these things are often large barn conversions etc.

I would pay £100 though, even for one night. That's the price of one night in a decent hotel anyway. If it was much more I'd just say I couldn't make the accommodation.

Magstermay · 17/08/2016 16:55

I organised a hen do in a similar way, but it was booking cottages for a fixed 3 night stay. It was far too complicated for a large group to start splitting the cost and some people weren't sure at the time payment was needed how many nights they would be able to stay. It might not be entirely fair but it is so much less hassle.

JaniceBattersby · 17/08/2016 16:56

I agree with Lemonwords. Organising these things is a complete nightmare. Then you get people wanting to stay for half the time and expecting to pay half he money, people wanting to not eat some of the food or drink some of the booze and wanting to pay less, and on and on.

I went away for my mate's hen do to Centerparcs a few year ago and we all paid the same however many number of nights we were staying, although to be fair the organiser could book was three nights. I only stayed one night but because she'd been upfront about it from the beginning I was happy to 'subside' everyone else.

I think you either cough up don't stay at all.

Brionius · 17/08/2016 16:56

I organised a hen do last year and some of the selfish cows hens backed out of paying for two nights after agreeing to a two night stay, so I ended up £800 out of pocket paying for their second night.
Either pay for the weekend or don't go I'd say. They're a nightmare to organise for a load of people you've never met but thankfully never have to see again especially if they blank you at the actual wedding and the more people get funny about stuff that has to be paid for regardless the worse it is.

Original poster
AmIReadingThisCorrectly · 17/08/2016 17:05

Starting to get the feeling that IABU...fair enough! I'll stay at home and drive/taxi in to the activities. I know that a few of the others will do that too. The girl who is organising may well have to put the price up for the others, I feel bad about that but I just can't justify paying for 2 nights I won't use.

OP posts:
ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 17/08/2016 17:07

That's why when organising a hen you choose somewere and say this is the dates and the hotel book yourself a room.

blindsider · 17/08/2016 17:07

How much are we talking about??

PlotterOfPlots · 17/08/2016 17:09

This is the way we split group holidays. We often have someone arriving late, someone leaving early etc and people chop and change on that at the last minute. It quickly unravels if you're charging everyone differently and the share of costs changes every time someone changes their mind, usually costing the others more, through no fault of those others. IME it works much better to keep it to a flat rate. It has the added bonus that everyone's incentivised to stay longer. But if she gives you a one night fee she'll have to do it for everyone else who wants to stay less than the 3 nigts, then people will start reducing their stay to save money, etc etc.

I think in your position I'd either suck up the cost, or decide to go home all 3 nights for financial reasons and refuse to feel guilty about it. The rules are perfectly sensible ones for a group booking, they just happen to fit your own very specific circumstances badly, and there's no easy way to make an exception fairly.

Mycraneisfixed · 17/08/2016 17:09

She shouldn't have presented you all with a fait accompli. Her problem.

LuluJakey1 · 17/08/2016 17:11

Don't go. Can't imagine anything much worse.

Rubies12345 · 17/08/2016 17:12

Is it possible she's booked a whole house?

If she's booking individual rooms without knowing who's coming when that's a big waste

MissClarke86 · 17/08/2016 17:12

I don't think your unreasonable because financially it would annoy me too...I just don't think there's a way around it really for the organiser.

Those saying YANBU, how would you have organised it differently - presuming the accommodation is shared and not of the book-your-own hotel variety, and without wanting to be out of pocket from people chopping and changing? Genuinely interested.

oldlaundbooth · 17/08/2016 17:12

Surely she won't expect you to stop overnight anyway, as you live so close???

Original poster
AmIReadingThisCorrectly · 17/08/2016 17:13

Plotter we are all in separate rooms so all it would take is for the organiser to cancel a few rooms for the night(s) that people can't use. As it stands people are going to have their share increased to pay for empty rooms for 2 of the 3 nights because they didn't count on anyone saying no to the invitation. I think the organisers are really taken with the idea of having booked the whole place out and having exclusive use for the whole time, hence the rigidity and my reluctance to ask.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 17/08/2016 17:15

Have you agree already? Did you agree in eg March and have only now decided you don't want to pay?

What would piss me off if it were me organising his was for people not to Let me know they were dropping out.

Original poster
AmIReadingThisCorrectly · 17/08/2016 17:16

Rubies no I have just checked that since starting the thread, it's a group of quite a few small cottages on a little estate so it would mean booking fewer cottages on some nights and therefore possibly not having exclusive use of the whole estate if another person happens to book the one(s) we let go.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIReadingThisCorrectly · 17/08/2016 17:17

No roll I only found out I was invited a couple of days ago and this was all already organised.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 17/08/2016 17:17

The weekend costs £100. Either go or don't go.

Original poster
AmIReadingThisCorrectly · 17/08/2016 17:18

Although according to the bride I should have been invited a couple of months ago!

OP posts:
MapleandPear · 17/08/2016 17:20

There is a way around it for the organiser. They do some bloody maths and work out who owes what based on how long they are staying and whether they are participating in activities. How can they charge the same? They obviously have zero organisational skills to do it this way, it's so obviously unfair. I'm not a "I haven't had a starter" person when it comes to splitting bills, but to ask you to pay for the whole thing is ridiculous.

When you organise a hen do the number one priority is to email the hens and check the costs are ok.

Also I'd say a three night/ 4 day thing is OTT for a hen do anyway. Once you are over 25 going out for even two nights in a row is pretty excruciating. I went for one that was two nights recently but really took it easy the first night.

rollonthesummer · 17/08/2016 17:21

A couple of days ago?!

Right-well, contact the organiser NOW with an 'omg, I knew nothing about this at all! I can't afford X to stay in a rural place when I live to close to the venue but would still live to come to the events-obviously I'll make my own way there as its only up the road from me!'

When is it?! That's odd you e only just found lot!