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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am too old for this. Exes gf.....

64 replies

talksensetome · 16/08/2016 21:39

I have just had a phone call from my exes girlfriend. When I answered she said "My mum wants to speak to you."

I am a 30 year old woman with my own home, responsible job and 3 children. (One of which is with exp) AIBU to think I am too old to be questioned my my exes girlfriends mum!!

Ex is 28 and his new girlfriend is 17. I don't approve but it's none of my business and I keep my opinion to myself. Ex and I are civil but communication is strictly regarding DS and he doesn't come into my house, picks up and drops off at the front door. I don't ask where he takes DS when he is with him but I know they spend a lot of time at his new mils (who rang me) because DS tells me. I don't have any problem with this so long as DS is happy and he is.

So the mum of this girl wanted to question me about when I I last slept with ex, am I still sleeping with him, do I have a problem with DS going round there or with her daughter in general.

I answered her questions and she promised me an update on her daughter and my exes relationship. I politely pointed out that I am really not interested and it's none of my business but was left thinking wtf?!
So AIBU to think this is weird, inappropriate and I am too old for this shit.

OP posts:
Inertia · 16/08/2016 22:27

The mum might not be much older than you either , to be fair. She absolutely does not have any right to ask you about her sex life, and it sounds like you responded very diplomatically. Can't imagine I'd be comfortable with my 17 yo being involved with a man that much older- but, as you say, not your issue to deal with, your priority is your child.

Original poster
talksensetome · 16/08/2016 22:27

Jen I didn't think of that. I just didn't want her being upset thinking he was doing the dirty with me. Although you do have a point.

Best no they thought I was a controlling bitch who had a problem with the gf which is what ex has been telling them. My genuine confusion seemed to put them straight. For example ex tells them that they can't do X because if he doesn't have DS home I won't let him have him again. In reality ex can bring DS home any time he likes so long as it is not too late for bed.

Both him and his gf were invited to DS birthday party but he chose not to come. Again the blame was put on me not allowing them there.
So they have picked up that I have some problem with the gf because ex is using me as a scapegoat of some sort.

OP posts:
Newnew35 · 16/08/2016 22:27

I think you sound like a kind and considerate person. Your child is very lucky to have you, as you clearly put his happiness first.

Amadeus1984 · 16/08/2016 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
talksensetome · 16/08/2016 22:31

Thanks New I try my best. It's simple in my eyes though, I don't want ex so I don't care who else has him. As long as DS is happy it doesn't (or at least shouldnt) have any impact on my life.

This girl, or her mum seem to have had a positive influence on exes relationship with DS he is more reliable at seeing him regularly for example. Probably because they are doing the childcare.

OP posts:
AllieinWonderland · 16/08/2016 22:36

I don't think I'd even have engaged in the conversation! That is remarkably odd... YANBU, I don't know why the mother's so involved! I have a nearly 17 ear old and I am not this invested in her relationships and friendships, I just intervene when I'm needed! and the first questions she asked are very odd... Although asking about your DS was considerate.

J0kersSmile · 16/08/2016 22:38

My ex used to say the same things to me about his ex wife as what your ex is saying to his gf.

Me and his ex are now friends. He's long gone but I'm glad I asked her very reasonably about things he had said to sift out the lies.

HeddaGarbled · 16/08/2016 22:56

I think the mum's on the ball, has worked out that your ex is a lying exploitative shit and is hoping to open her daughter's eyes. I think that you did exactly the right thing being honest, though she was probably hoping that the two of you were still shagging and that when her daughter found out, he'd be out of their lives.

PickAChew · 16/08/2016 23:04

That poor girl needs counselling to LTB.

Difficult for you being put on the spot, but, given the circumstances, you did the right thing in trying to give some reassurance. I wonder if the girl's mum knows that he badmouths her, too?

queenMab99 · 16/08/2016 23:19

I think you are wise to take the opportunity to communicate with people who are in contact with your child,, it gives you some idea what the setup is, and also gives them a true picture of the situation, without your ex's manipulation. However it takes a very grounded and level headed person to deal with the intrusive questions, without making a big drama out of it.Flowers

blondieblondie · 16/08/2016 23:20

Where did they meet? And how long have they been together? I can't get my head round these grown men having relationships with teenage girls. And she's obviously not more mature for her age if she's got her mum doing this. (which isn't a criticism of her - in my eyes, she's a kid).

FlyingElbows · 16/08/2016 23:24

I suspect what "psycho" mum really wanted was for you to say you were still having sex with him because then she'd be able to get the daft lassie away from him. No mother worth her salt is fostering a relationship between a 17 year old girl and a 28 year old who wants a babysitter to screw!

ImissGrannyW · 17/08/2016 01:34

Aw!!!! You are LOVELY!

Your behaviour is splendid!

KERALA1 · 17/08/2016 01:57

What a mess he has created.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 17/08/2016 02:04

Sounds like new GF and mum are a good influence on flaky ex and therefore good for your DS.

I think you are handling this splendidly.

MiaowJario · 17/08/2016 02:05

Agree with Hedda. The mum saw through the "my crazy bitch ex" tales, is rightly quite "hmm" about them seeing more of your DS than his dad does on visits and wanted to get some kind of handle on it. Presumably so she can try to stop her daughter getting caught up in his nonsense whilst she is young enough to be a bit gullible.

The mum probably has visions of her DD's DC (should any arise from the liaison) and your DS being dropped off together to be babysat by some other girl and her mum in the future! She was also suspicious about whether your ex was really single.

building2016 · 17/08/2016 02:06

Why on earth did you leave him? He sounds like a real prize.

SlinkyVagabond · 17/08/2016 02:08

Think id be psycho if my 17 yr old dd had a 28 yr old bf. I reckon his take on psycho is that she isn't very keen on him.
I also wonder if he's taking yr DC there so much so she can do a bit of childcare (when he should be)?

SlinkyVagabond · 17/08/2016 02:12

Sorry massive x post, didn't see page two.

HobnailsandTaffeta · 17/08/2016 02:12

You are lovely

He is a perv! Legal maybe but yuk what a shit.

Italiangreyhound · 17/08/2016 03:00

talksensetome Re So the mum of this girl wanted to question me about when I I last slept with ex, am I still sleeping with him, do I have a problem with DS going round there or with her daughter in general....

You've certainly gone the extra mile in reasurring her and her mum. If I were the mum I would be really upset and secretly hoping their would be a reason for it all to end!

How very humiliating for the mum and daughter! You handled it very well.

Your ex is a total .... well you know.

Imagine creating a situation where your girlfriend's mum needs to ring up your ex. That s off the chart.

I think you were very kind to answer the questions and clearly want the best for all.... but ... please do just keep your eyes on your child's expectations in relation to this women/girl and her mum, and most if all his dad. I am sure you will.

If dad doesn't have the girl and her mum helping out, will he be doing such a great job of being a dad.

Good luck.

Original poster
talksensetome · 17/08/2016 06:23

Good morning. Thanks for all the extra responses, I didn't think of it front the point of view that maybe the mum was hoping I would give them reason to end it.

Well I won't be answering any more calls anyway I really don't feel comfortable being involved.

The mum did ask if gf and ex split up would her and gf still be able to see DS. That was the point it got too much for me and I mumbled something about a trip to the park and said my good byes. They seem to genuinely like DS.

I do think if they split up exes parenting might dwindle a bit but I hope that I am underestimating him there.

Well here's hoping for a nice day with no bizarre phone calls for everyone.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 17/08/2016 21:55

Good luckk and all the best..
..but sadly I think do prepare for you ex to be less enthusiastic about parenting when he doesn't have two willing helpers. Sad

x2boys · 17/08/2016 22:10

How old is your ds ?this is all a bit bizzare if i had a seventeen yr old i wouldnt want them to be involved with someone ao much older and with a child either how long have they been together?

Original poster
talksensetome · 17/08/2016 22:15

DS is 4, not sure how long they have been together, from yesterday's conversation I am guessing since October.

The gf text me apologising for her mum and asking could she take DS out to the park today. He was on a trip with holiday club and is away with his dad next week so I have put her off until they get back and then I will just tell ex to make his own arrangements. They have apparently split up.

I feel a bit of a hypocrite though because his daughter from his previous relationship still comes to stay with me sometimes. I was practically her step mum (not married) for 5 years though and the mother of her brother.

OP posts:
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