My husbands driving me mental!!

[hungryhippo90]

I've got long standing mental health issues, it's taken me four years to get myself on my feet. I'm actually feeling a lot better within myself at the moment, but things have really come to a head with my husband. I think the world of him, but he's driving me crazy.
I don't think he's actually grown up at all if I'm honest, and he's 31.
He lost his business about six months after we met. I tried to help him save his business I gave him everything I could get hold of. Anyway business was gone, and since he's been hounded, and hounded by bailiffs and debt collectors.
He needed a car, didn't have cash and couldn't obtain good credit. (He was offered finance at a stupid rate of about 6k over what the car cost) so I ended up getting the loan, under the strictest belief that he would pay, and on time.
Fast-forward to last December, he was made bankrupt. He had to send in payslips etc. He received a letter in April demanding these within seven days. He still hasn't done it.
Bankruptcy means he can't pay the car finance. So I say, I get PIP at £220 per month. This will pay for the car. I then get word from finance company, in two months arrears. So I've tried to make this up, but them arrears showing on my credit file means I am unable to get any finance for a car...fine, I will save and buy something cheap.
Then it transpires council tax doesn't get paid. Everything is in arrears. Everything.
Rent is 1 and a half months in arrears.

Then to make matters worse, he has a car accident last week, only for him to then say, ah I didn't tell the insurance company that I got 3 points on my licence last year...

So now I'm looking, and going, I finance a car for you, now I'm just about to do my driving test, and I've got NO way of getting a car. Especially as every penny I can get hold of in the foreseeable future will be going on clearing the payments he hasn't made...he isn't flush for cash. But it's not like he doesn't have money. His total bring home is around 3.2k per month.
I have started dog walking and boarding etc. As there's not much I can really do, as my mental health is so bad.

I don't know....I'm trying to figure out if it should be this difficult? Is he being as irresponsible as I think he is? Are these problems caused by my disability? Am I expecting a bit much?

Whatever I get my hands on, generally goes towards the families wants/needs.

[Alachia]

Forgot to say that my post was in answer to PrimalLass

[hungryhippo90]

Sorry there are so many replies, I will try and answer all the questions I can remember.
He doesn't pay anything towards his bankruptcy order, which is part of my problem. He needs to if he is to be released from it. I think that his is why he hasn't sent in his payslips.

His money honestly goes on crap. Complete and utter crap. Honestly, he has Costa receipts upon Costa receipts, he refuses to pack a lunch to take to work, he goes out for lunch quite a bit. He buys himself quite a few new tools etc- he is no longer a trade. Works in construction management.

He does definitely earn around this much, he gets his wage, bonuses, and sells things that he buys. Profit from that, and his work equal this amount.

He seems to think we have nothing, but if he were to pay the bills he is responsible for, there would be around £100 spare per week. We've not ever had a holiday, he's never bought furniture for the house. We don't really do days out.

I've worked out our bills, I've always paid for things, until January we received child tax credits (he earned less before then) and I generally used the tax credits money for shopping etc. Till I was paying for the car, I was picking up the house insurance and generally paid the car insurance when he forgot. I'd also use credit cards to pay other expenses that had been overseen any anything left over would either be squirreled away for the next time or go on CC bills.

I haven't had what you'd call a regular salary, but you'll have to remember that I've worked whenever/wherever possible. I'd even at one point worked for him. Wage free I might add.

He's always had access to whatever has come into my account.

The past few months I've done dog care of sorts. This should bring in around £840 this month, then the PIP, child benefit and his wages.
I don't think we should be living as poorly as we are. We honestly get to times where I'm counting my medication trying to figure out if it'll last till one of us has money and if it can be afforded to buy more.

[Alachia]

Have you got a prescription pre payment card? They are about 100£ a year and cover all prescriptions. You can get a form from any GP or chemist

[PrimalLass]

Well done - that's brilliant for a few months in. It took me ages to get my business to my (then) target of 1k/month.

It sounds as though it would work much better if you had access to all of his salary and took control of paying the bills.

[piknmixer]

Can you not get a season ticket for your medication? It's only just over £10 a month so it's worth it if you need two or more prescriptions a month

www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/Healthcosts/Pages/PPC.aspx

[Alachia]

Piknmixer has linked to the form I meant :). I pay monthly by DD, saves me a fortune with so many prescriptions a month.

[Evilstepmum01]

LEAVE!

[ScarletForYa]

OP he's a parasite. This describes my ex to a t. It just carries on and on and on. This is the way you will live if you stay with him.

As you are seeing he will drag you down with him. He'll ruin your credit rating and you'll sink emotionally, mentally and financially as all you'll have time to do is put out more fires he's started.

Get away from him.

Disengage financially. Stop bailing him out. Now.

[Putthatonyourneedles]

Seriously you need to either get rid of this man or take control of all the finances in the household. Sit down with him and write down exactly what needs to be paid each month. Set up direct debits/payment plans.

How dare he earn that much a month and contribute what he does. That's not acceptable. I would be taking the car, after all you are the one paying for it.

[hungryhippo90]

Thanks to everyone who recommended the pre pay medication things, I've always thought it was a lump sum to pay all at once, which seemed too much to spend out in one go! In all honesty I get about 4 prescriptions per month (if I use everything I should!- I've got year round allergies, asthma, Pcos and mental health medications) gosh I sound like my health is failing!

Also, to the poster who says I'm doing well with my new venture, thank you. I feel I am! I've felt so downtrodden for so long, but at this moment in time, being able to work is making me feel almost like a decent person..of course I am, I just don't often feel it!

I've managed to get some clients who really like the way I treat their pets, and I'm actually fully booked for the next six months...at a lesser charge than I should probably ask for, but I'd feel cheeky asking for more really!

Ladies, you've all been really helpful. It's helped me straighten things in my mind.
I've feared that this is what our life will always be for a while now.
I thought the bankruptcy would make a difference. But it hasn't.

I think that come tomorrow I will be setting up a new account, where the bill money will go, and "his" money will be kept in his account, and I can ensure that our bills are paid.
He will need to get other things sorted out, like these forms for the Official receiver (or whoever it is!)

I think I'm putting a date in mind for January. Things will need to be completely different if this marriage is going to carry on....is that giving him too long?

Things really do need to change, my mental state is very backwards and forwards because of all of this. I want to be able to look forward,not keep worrying.

Thank you all for all of your advice

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

He is taking advantage of you so badly, he shouldn't want to accept any money from you, let alone actual do it!

The OP has had no salary for at least four years by the sound of it. Why should her husband not want to accept any money from her? Surely all money should be family money?

Because at the moment OP only has £220 a month coming in for her PIP and her husband wants it to pay for a car! That's why! And because it sounds like she is the only one doing any cutting back!

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

Oh dear my bolding failed - that was to PrimalLass.

[Ginkypig]

Your giving him too long!

He is earning over 3k a fucking month and not spending a penny on the house while you are scrimping and slaving while being very ill. Infact he is letting his disabled wife slave while he buys coffee!

He is watching you do that and does not give a fuck!

he let you take finance knowing he had no fucking intention of ever paying it back.


I am so so angry on your behalf op I am actually disgusted!

If you check my posting history you'll see I very rarely post with such vitriol.

[ScarletForYa]

You're going to set up an account and pay all the bills yourself? How is that any better than now?

He's financially abusing you. Why would you give him until January? For what?

By January he'll have dug you both into a bigger mess.

He's a Cocklodger OP. You're throwing good money after bad.

[Mosseywossey]

OP I know your very ill but honestly you need to get away from him! It is unacceptable the way he is treating you. Is their someone you can go live with? Or kick him out. 3000 a month is fine to be living on and the fact your stuggerling suggest that ur husband is taking a ride while your suffer.
Please I'm begging you don't let this guy get away with it. January is way to long I'd give him to September or October if you absolutely have to.
Sending much love!!!!

[springwaters]

He does definitely earn around this much, he gets his wage, bonuses, and sells things that he buys. Profit from that, and his work equal this amount.

So he doesn't earn £3200 a month. What does he actually earn from paid employment? How much income from buying and selling stuff- does he declare that income to HMRC?

You get tax credits? based on a £3200 income or his earned income?

You need to get a good understanding of this.

[springwaters]

Sorry- just seen that you no longer get tax credits.

[Alachia]

Is he going to pay £3000 into the bills and debt account? That leaves him with £200 which should be more than enough for Costa.

If not I think you have to start questioning if he is being honest and realise that he is very selfish and does not really care about what sort of mess you, personally, get into. After all, he'll be fine with his 3.2£K all to himself.

What happens if your PIP is reassessed and lowered or stopped, even if only temporarily? Such things do happen.

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

If he's got himself into a bankruptcy situation the £3.2k will be going on debts. Sounds like there are other bills he is also behind on which can't be added to the bankruptcy which is also adding to the strain. I don't think it's unusual that he's in a mess trying to meet repayments after everything you describe.

Unfortunately this sort of thing is pretty textbook in his situation (that's not to say he doesn't have a secret drug/ gambling habit but it's also perfectly plausible he doesn't)

It's not easy to stay with someone on such a situation and No one would blame you if you left. It's likely to improve your mental state. His problems will go on for years

[Alachia]

Dontyoulovecalpol

The OP says he is not paying towards the bankruptcy order. I've never been in the situation but doesn't that mean he's keeping the £3.2K?

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

He can't not be paging towards the bankruptcy order, the whole point of it is that they distribute his earnings to pay for his life and contribute to his creditors
If he's not paging the process either isn't complete or his earnings are undeclared

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

Paying, not paging

[Alachia]

Hopefully the OP made a mistake then and he is paying it, otherwise I think there will be heaps more trouble coming.

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

If the bankruptcy isn't finalised it will get worse, he'll have far less money. Although the order should allow him enough to meet bills etc if he's been honest with the OR

[hungryhippo90]

Sorry theres a lot to reply to, will reply to all the points I remember.
He was taken to court by a debtor in December, they petitioned for Bankruptcy against him, which they won, and it happened.

He didnt even sort out his meeting with the OR till about 20th Jan. He was asked to provide proofs of things, like earnings, bank statements, proof that rent is the amount it is, its not large by any means £700 a month- average 2 bed in our area is £900 ish a month, but because in reality we could be living with parents etc for free they want proof.

They do take everything after essential expenses are paid, during the Bankruptcy meeting they explained that anything even in my name, cannot be paid for by his money, if it is on credit or anything, with the exception of phone contracts, which has since that day been a great excuse,
"I cant pay for that, because of the bankruptcy" he says. Despite him not dealing with them, or paying it. It will just be extended, and extended, and extended... im not sure what they do after that. but I know they do extend it....and im going, How will we EVER buy a house? as it is, even if he were released from his bankruptcy this December (which he wont be!) we wouldnt get a mortgage for another six years from that point. which would make him 37.... but I honestly cant see him in the same state a year down the line once hes been released.

If I had anywhere else to go, or any other support, I would have left by April, when he had the demand from the OR and he didnt reply. It really dawned on me that he isnt that bothered.

It was even more sobering that I realised that, he wanted this car. It was his choice. He chose that he wanted an 11 month old ford, with just under 10K miles on the clock. It cost £10,000. I never thought the bank would give me a loan of that amount, but they did. and I didnt mind him having that. What I do mind is the fact that even when I pass my test I wont have anything to drive, AND even now, its just two years old. The car doesnt look like its been washed in as long (it has!) the two front tyres are bald, and the two left hand doors were really damaged in the crash he had last week. and it feels like its nothing to him. Ive NEVER been in a position to say, thats what I want, and actually have it handed to me.

The account im going to set up, will be set up in my name, im cautious to put his name on a bank account with mine, as I dont want to be financially linked to someone whos bankrupt (the little sense that I have!) He will need to transfer his money into that, and the bills will come out of that account, this way I can monitor it. if it doesnt happen this way, then he is going to be told he needs to GTFO.

I wanted to give him till January, thinking, the Bankruptcy will be over, but it wont. at best it will be jan 2018.

also, to the poster who said what about when my PIP is reassessed, I was awarded PIP in 2014, with the award until Aug 2017, they sent me a letter a few weeks saying they wanted to reassess me, which in all honesty, im not sure will see me still getting PIP. I am still not well. I still struggle with daily life, but things are a little better. When i discussed this with him, he said oh its ok, we will figure something out... But what? What will we figure out? How will we figure it out? We already struggle. How?

Sorry this post is VERY, long. I do feel its quite cathartic writing though....take make me feel like ive been such a mug writing all of this. If he were with anyone I knew. id be telling them they are better off rid.