To think I've lost my friend to the land of the baby bores?

[JackRussells]

Background: friend was a vibrant social butterfly (a butterfly partial to a wine or 3). She would judge our other friends for choosing to stay in with their OHs and never showed any interest in growing up. Still lived with parents, didn't pay bills, etc.

Then she met someone online, moved in with him within 3 weeks, got pregnant by the 6th week and now has a 1 year old.

The problem: she's incredibly dull. She's extremely judgemental of those who don't have children, posting on Facebook about how 'worthless' an existence it is and even how selfish people are for having abortions. (She escorted one of our lovely friends to have an abortion and couldn't have been more supportive, this friend is also on FB and has not spoken to her since).

Since she has been with her partner, she's been out with us once for a meal and she brought him with her. We planned our friend's 30th to accommodate her and she cancelled at the last minute, despite living 5 mins from the venue, because the babysitter cancelled and she doesn't leave the baby with her OH. (What's that about btw? Why have a baby with someone you don't trust to look after it?)

She only talks about babies/kids and only ever in a negatively comparative way to those without kids. For example: '😍 So lucky I get to stay in on Saturday nights with my baby instead of parading around like a tart in town', this usually comes after friends have posted a photo of them on a night out.

She only surrounds herself with other mummy friends and seems to dislike those without kids. I travel a lot with work and she often has negative things to say about me going away, telling me I'm ridiculous but also telling me I'm not ready to be a mother.

I miss who she was before she settled down. There is not one hint of that person anymore and she is now the person she used to hate. Will she ever come back? Is this it now?

If he drinks a bottle of wine a night I'm not surprised she won't leave the baby with him. And the loud gaming sounds like deliberately preventing you from talking to her.

She judges those without children
. Well pardon them for perhaps have fertility issues.

Or just pardon them for not wanting children iliveinalighthouse. It's a valid choir to make and definitely doesn't mean your life isn't worthwhile.

Choir?! Choice!

And she'd probably be the first to come out with the.
If you can't feed them. Don't breed them, chestnut

You sound very cool, LegendofBeans. Glad to read you're doing well. I hope this is a dickhead phase and will pass in time, she's definitely lost a few friends due to her absent minded comments but the friends remain in our large group so they'll never be too far away if she ever does change.

I never thought to look out for things like her OH gaming loudly as a way to interrupt our chat. I could do with being much more alert to this kind of thing. He comes across as very laid back and not particularly bothered by anything at all, very insular. I have no idea if that's the case behind closed doors though.

Her parents are the nicest people you could hope to meet. They did everything for her and still do help out financially and babysitting. Her mum admitted she wasn't keen on her OH very early on but she's the type to still welcome with open arms and include him in everything so this may well have changed now. She often comments on the FB posts with innocent 'beautiful 😍' style comments but has never joined in on the shitty posts.

I'm in the she's judgmental and lacks empathy camp. She cannot conceive of anyone not doing what she's doing because whatever it is she's doing has to be amzing. I've had a good friend like this. It's fine when you're doing what they're interested in but not when they take up something new- that they previously scoffed loudly at. If it wasn't a baby it might be marathon running or yoga or basket weaving. Suddenly only basket weavers are the fun go to people and the rest of you are sad sad losers. Run away. I did.

So infertile people are worthless? Imagine someone STC reading that.

Honestly I would cut her out, there's a big difference between a baby bore and a bully

One of our friend's friend posted a while ago about her struggles with fertility. We don't know her but our friend shared the post. It basically said she was too overweight for IVF and needed everyone to encourage her with her new exercise regime. Everyone had responded really positively with planned runs and things and my friend (the one this post is about, sorry to many mentions of the word friend here) commented ' don't know what I'd do without my baby'.

I couldn't decide whether she was trying to be empathetic or whether it was one of the most insensitive things I'd ever seen.

I've been swinging between sticking around to see if she changes and cutting ties for a few months now but it all depends on how long she stays like this for I suppose.

'Or just pardon them for not wanting children iliveinalighthouse. It's a valid choir to make and definitely doesn't mean your life isn't worthwhile.'

Indeed.

People who bang on and on about how marvellous everything is are usually trying to convince themselves, not you. It sounds really uncomfortable for you. She sounds miserable and probably even quite jealous of people who don't have children and get to 'tart' about on a Saturday night. I don't think I could maintain a friendship like this.

There is so much wrong with this situation.

Her partner sounds like a teenager not a dad. Drinking every night, not taking care of his child, playing on his playstation loudly when guests are there, going out with his mates to a stripclub when his partner was in the hospital.

She sounds like she is either in an abusive relationship, over compensating for an unhappy life or suffering from post natal dspression.

Your first post suggests to me that she's the same person, just that her circumstances have changed and so have her judgements... She doesn't sound like a very nice person imho.

Her other half sounds immature too, I mean constantly playing on his PlayStation/phone when guests are there, going to a strip club when she's in hospital, not taking care of his child etc...

At the same time, there could be underlying problems with her relationship and it's been rushed into (moving in together at 3 weeks and getting pregnant at 6 weeks, how can you possibly know somebody that well in that little amount of time) or the fact she's insecure about herself and life.

When someone is insecure, they do stuff to make them feel better which usually involves them hurting someone else: it normally takes the form of bullying but it could also take the form of judgments, like she has been doing pre and post motherhood.

But as people have mentioned: mental health could be playing a part in this, like one of the symptoms can be irrational behaviour- when I'm in one of my episodes of depression, I impulse buy things that I don't actually need or can afford.

I think she's just moved into the 'other' world of mummies and babies and embracing it with the fervour she showed in her butterfly days to that world.

I think it's just her personality to go overboard when she gets an 'interest'.

Maybe a few years time she'll reach a happy compromise and be able to appreciate her family and her friends.

YABU to call her dull just because her interests have gone in a different direction to yours.

I wonder if it's worth flagging your concerns with her mum. Interesting that they don't like the OH.

But, she may just be a not very nice woman. Who knows, really.

she sounds exceptionally self centred and unfortunately really quite unpleasant with it. She might be a fun person, but her underlying character is something else.

She might genuinely be in trouble and could grow out of it if everyone else around her (and her child) is lucky. But it sounds to me like it'll take a long time if ever.

Can wait and see, but perhaps be a bit careful what you say to her. Though it sounds like you're rather walking on eggshells round her anyway.