To think I've lost my friend to the land of the baby bores?

[JackRussells]

Background: friend was a vibrant social butterfly (a butterfly partial to a wine or 3). She would judge our other friends for choosing to stay in with their OHs and never showed any interest in growing up. Still lived with parents, didn't pay bills, etc.

Then she met someone online, moved in with him within 3 weeks, got pregnant by the 6th week and now has a 1 year old.

The problem: she's incredibly dull. She's extremely judgemental of those who don't have children, posting on Facebook about how 'worthless' an existence it is and even how selfish people are for having abortions. (She escorted one of our lovely friends to have an abortion and couldn't have been more supportive, this friend is also on FB and has not spoken to her since).

Since she has been with her partner, she's been out with us once for a meal and she brought him with her. We planned our friend's 30th to accommodate her and she cancelled at the last minute, despite living 5 mins from the venue, because the babysitter cancelled and she doesn't leave the baby with her OH. (What's that about btw? Why have a baby with someone you don't trust to look after it?)

She only talks about babies/kids and only ever in a negatively comparative way to those without kids. For example: '😍 So lucky I get to stay in on Saturday nights with my baby instead of parading around like a tart in town', this usually comes after friends have posted a photo of them on a night out.

She only surrounds herself with other mummy friends and seems to dislike those without kids. I travel a lot with work and she often has negative things to say about me going away, telling me I'm ridiculous but also telling me I'm not ready to be a mother.

I miss who she was before she settled down. There is not one hint of that person anymore and she is now the person she used to hate. Will she ever come back? Is this it now?

Sounds like she hasn't changed at all. Just her judgment has moved focus.

This

Over compensating. Perhaps missing her old life. Possibly even a touch of PND?

It sounds like smoking mirrors, she knows she's rushed into things with this man had a baby without really knowing him and wants to come across as happy and content. I put money on the reality of it being some what different.

Well that is exactly what my DH says and he has known her for 10 years - 'it's just immaturity'.

She idolises her OH. As soon as they moved in together she was cooking for him, cleaning after him, doing his shopping, preparing his packed lunches etc. If she had seen me doing that a couple of years ago she would have berated me for it.

As for her OH, I really don't get any kind of vibe from him. Nothing at all. He sits there in silence every time I visit, playing on his PlayStation whilst I try and shout over it to my friend. He got wasted at the meal he tagged along to and none of us were drinking because the birthday girl was pregnant. He drinks a bottle of wine most nights I think. I've not seen him with the baby once but she often posts on FB how she couldn't do it without him, so he must help in some way.

With regards to her being desperately unhappy, I just don't know. She does a very good job of covering it up if this is the case but not in an appearing happy kind of way, iyswim? I get regular snaps from our mutual friend of her and her child thoroughly enjoying each other's company, they are like best friends, and it's heartwarming to see. Whereas with my other friend, it all seems to just be words convincing us her life is better than ours. When a colleague of hers posted on FB about how hard she was finding the sleepless nights with her newborn she commented something like 'I would never complain about my baby, I'm so grateful for her, wouldn't change her for the world' and we were all a bit

She does only see other mummy friends now and only does play dates. If we want to see her we're invited to these (midweek, midday, so booking time off work is necessary) or we can come by her house for a cup of tea but never outside. She lives down the road from lots of coffee shops but has avoided meeting any of us there (baby invited too, of course).

My spidey senses are tingling and I have huge alarm bells ringing from your OP....

This absolutely reeks of a MH issue. I do this exact same thing when my anxiety is playing up, I go into hyper "everything is awesome" mode and make out like life is great and I have the best of everything.. in reality I'm struggling like hell and can barely get out of bed. It's not to make anyone else feel worse about life, it's to convince myself that I'm ok. Luckily I have friends and a DP who know the signs far far too well and all rush in to support when it happens, but if this is a new thing for her she probably doesn't even realise it's happening.

Coupled with the fact your friend had a 1yo and doesn't trust the OH to take care of him/ her, I'd say your friend may well be suffering with anxiety or even PND.

Tread very very carefully OP, now is not the time to cut this friend off; it's likely she just needs a friend to chat to and the best thing you could do to help is have a very very gentle chat about how hard it must be to look after a baby and how you admire her for the effort it must take.. get her to admit it's not all roses and work from there.

Of course, I could be totally wrong and she may just be an enormous wank badger!

The speed at which things progressed in her relationship surprised me, as other posters have alluded to, also the fact that she won't leave the baby with the father - what's that all about?

at wank badger.

I did have a chat with her in the first few weeks as it seemed like she was afraid to say anything bad at all about motherhood. I was trying to make the point that no one would judge her for simply saying she's exhausted but she was incredibly defensive and it quickly entered into hostility so I backed off.

I don't know how much a chat would help at this stage. I think she knows we're all still there for her but she chooses not to use us, maybe that will change at some point? I don't know

Maybe the babysitter not arriving and not allowing her OH to look after the baby was an excuse because she just didn't want to come and had to think of something that would excuse her crying off at the last minute.

Or it could be something more sinister.

Or she could just be a complete arse!

I think she is unhappy and trying to convince herself by over compensating.

I am an avid gamer but the fact he will game while there are visitors indicates what a massive arsehole he is. It's not like a teenage boy having to be dragged downstairs to see Grandma while she visits he is allegedly an adult.

I know there has been joking about wine o clock on MN for years but honestly a bottle of wine a day is not good at all.

Forget the I don't get a vibe some of the unhappiest relationships seem perfect to the outside world.

To me you describe her OH as a moody alcoholic who doesn't help with his DC at all.

Sounds like she's the same person she always was- judgemental, jealous of others and just not very nice

It used to be people who stayed in/settled down she hated because she wanted to go out, now she's done a total u turn because her life has changed

Agree 100%. Saved me the trouble of posting :)

I had a friend who became like this- I strongly suspect that she had PND/ anxiety- she also wouldn't leave her children with her (very capable, loving) DH. I don't know what to say really OP, you're trying to be there for her, that's all you can do. The friendship fizzled out with my friend because we kept arranging meet ups to suit her schedule and she kept cancelling- there's only so much you can do. She recently sent a mutual friend a spiteful Facebook message (4 years after we lost contact) saying that it's our fault that we don't speak any more because we were incapable of understanding what being a parent is like. This is simply not true- we couldn't have been more understanding or accommodating, I think she was just determined to see issues where there weren't any.

... It does also sound like your friend wasn't the nicest person before she had her baby. I'm appalled at what she said about abortion!

To be fair to her I think I was probably a bit like her when DD1 was first born. I had waited so long for a child, thought I'd never have one and then when she was born it was like an anti-climax; however, I felt that I couldn't complain because it would be insulting to a lot of my friends who, due to health reasons or other circumstances, couldn't have children.

I felt like I had to portray this perfect life and pretend to be the earth mother that I most definitely wasn't - when I just felt bored - bored with the dullness of small babies, the equally dull conversation with other mothers, with the lack of social life. It got better after I went back to work and DH took over a lot of the day to day stuff for the baby.

To be fair to her I think I was probably a bit like her when DD1 was first born. I had waited so long for a child, thought I'd never have one and then when she was born it was like an anti-climax; however, I felt that I couldn't complain because it would be insulting to a lot of my friends who, due to health reasons or other circumstances, couldn't have children.

I felt like I had to portray this perfect life and pretend to be the earth mother that I most definitely wasn't - when I just felt bored - bored with the dullness of small babies, the equally dull conversation with other mothers, with the lack of social life. It got better after I went back to work and DH took over a lot of the day to day stuff for the baby.

Your friend is a chameleon; she adapts herself to her surroundings and at present it is the baby/mummy world;should her circumstances change she will adapt again. She sounds rather shallow and insincere and probably always was; move on.

That's interesting, zeezeek. She hasn't gone back to work yet so I wonder if that will help make a difference?

She has form for being with controlling men. When I first met her she had ditched all of her friends for her then ex and was just starting to socialise again. I suppose I could try and get to know him a bit better but he really is impossible, he just sits there either on his phone or on the PlayStation. This is very giveaway but I suppose I could be any one of our friends in the group so will share anyway, when the baby was newborn my friend had to have a minor operation which she stayed in overnight for. The baby stayed with my friend's parents and I visited my friend the following morning after the op, she said she'd text her OH in the evening and his plans were 'playing PlayStation then joining his mates at the strip club'. It's also a snooker room type place but I doubt he was going just to knock around a few balls ( there's a joke to be had somewhere there). She laughed as if it was hilarious and she was super cool with it all.

I don't know. It's really difficult to see the wood for the trees as I don't know what is real and what is her over-compensating for things perhaps not being great.

I have a friend like this, and it's all a front to convince people how happy she is. She's always been like this since she was a child, and it's exhausting to watch, never mind to live.
e.g. she'll be telling me what a lovely night in she had with her husband, how he cooked dinner, and they had a few glasses on wine etc and how lucky she is. At the same time, her husband is in the pub absolutely drunk, after being in the bookies all day.

Sounds like she is massively over compensating and doesn't feel that way at all

She hasn't gone back to work yet so I wonder if that will help make a difference?

Yes, she'll start up with the FB posts about how SAHMs do nothing and how important it is to have a career :)

toadgirl, I think that's probably spot on actually.

Hmmmm maybe she was always like this but I was on the right said of her, as in a child-free pub-goer when she was too, so I didn't see it as much.

Pah I'll maybe stick around and make it known I'm available if she needs me but won't make any more effort to make plans with her.

To be honest - you are more patient and understanding than I would be in the circumstances. I'd have kicked this 'friendship' into touch a while ago.

I'm thinking she's rushed in, ridiculously quickly into a relationship & is starting to regret it. Her rhetoric about people going out is disgusting. I'd bin her off, she's no friend & is acting like a petulant teenager.

She sounds very unhappy, to be honest, desperately clinging to whatever thing she currently thinks should be making her happy.

If shEs a good friend I would just try to quietly be there for her, keep in touch. Because I think she's going to need her friends before too long.

You say she was living with her parents before this, do you know them? What are they like?

I feel quite sorry for her in a way. I was the "life and soul" who loved a bottle glass of wine after work every most nights and loved the whole social whirl of talking about us, other people, set the world to rights, end up crying with stupid laughter, etc.

I had a baby in Feb this year and between that and my chums ALL moving out of London at the same time my world changed beyond all recognition. Six months on I'm only just in the very beginning stages of starting to understand it all. This is with a baby who is happy and sleeps through the night.

I was put on the "PND watch list" by my HV after she came round and I was completely all like "no, I'm not depressed, I've got this, I'm on top and in control". I dressed impeccably when I went out to meet my chums. Everyone said I looked amazing. It was like pedalling to keep still. I wanted to show everyone I was STILL THE SAME BUT BETTER THAN THE OTHER BEAT UP LOOKING MUMS.

And then I had a complete mental crash followed by another one and the whole facade had to fall away. I look back now on the first 10weeks of my baby's life and I think "what a fucking dick I was".

Now I've had to start again and realise my life has changed, and that's not necessarily a bad thing or the most amazing awesomest thing ever but I've had to learn to be honest with my chums and stop seeing them as "separate" because they don't have kids and wouldn't understand.

Such a long story but I suspect your friend is suffering like I was. Don't cut her off but don't try and force the issue. You will have to wait for her to stop the dickhead phase and that can only come when she's reconciled herself properly with this huge life change. Until then, just distance yourself to avoid souring matters further.

Ps: but I never posted any judgey bollocks on Facebook. Christ Jesus.

Her life has changed a huge amount in a short space of time. Going from having no responsibilities to having a baby would be a shock under the best of circumstances and she had a baby with someone she barely knew and now can't trust alone with the baby. Sounds like she's justifying her lifestyle by judging others because she's secretly unhappy. That said, I wouldn't have a lot of sympathy because of how hurtful she is towards other people, calling someone a tart for having a night out or evil for having an abortion even though she knew she had a friend in that situation. I don't really know what you can do. You could try finding a private moment to ask her if everything is OK as her behaviour has been out of character but I suspect she'll say everything is fabulous and you're just jealous. I'd have to distance myself from her toxic behaviour.

Sorry I've reread and she said selfish rather than evil, still very judgemental.