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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to tidy up after him?

43 replies

notsurewhattodo123 · 14/08/2016 14:23

I'm housesitting for my mum at the moment as my 23 YO brother is a bit of a pain...

He's the laziest person I've ever met. I've been cooking his meals and my OH does the washing up after. Brother spends pretty much every evening in the pub after work, so eats when he gets home later. I wake up in the morning to his half eaten dinner on the side, plus other general mess everywhere... So I've gone on strike. I've been cooking his meals (my mum does it and asked me to continue while she's away) but have been leaving his mess on the side for him to sort out. So far he's accumulated 10 glasses and three plates, one still has dinner on it from 3 days ago...

My mum babys him (she does this in all aspects of his life and thinks she's helping), I've tried to tell her that she's making him a nightmare for his future partner/anyone he ends up living with but she gets defensive and there's no point pushing the point further. When I ask him to tidy up after himself, we end up arguing.

I have one week left... AIBU to keep leaving his mess everywhere?! It's driving me crazy looking at it, and I know it'll go back to my mum tidying up after him. Am I making my own life difficult out of stubbornness?! The mess is horrible but I really think he needs to realise that there's not a magical cleaning fairy who tidys up after him...

OP posts:
orangebird69 · 14/08/2016 14:24

Don't cook. Simple.

NoCapes · 14/08/2016 14:24

You're babysitting a 23 year old while your Mum is away???
Confused
Eh??

Heirhelp · 14/08/2016 14:28

Have you said to your brother that he is a slob who is taking advantage of his mother and will never find a partner due to the way he behaves.

And why are you baby sitting a 23 year old? Please tell me he had special needs and is unable to live independently otherwise YABU to be baby sitting him.

MissMargie · 14/08/2016 14:29

My DBIL lived at home until age 40. He was bone idle, didn't lift a finger, wouldnt' even help with the garden.

He married and bought his own home and became the most particular, house proud, constant d-i-y selfer you could imagine.

DMIL is getting on a bit now and he is the most emotional about her ageing - but still does b all to help her.

No idea why, except he wasn't the favoured child on any count.

Anyway, my point is to let it go, it's up to DMIL to make changes not you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/08/2016 14:30

You're a house-sitter, not a cook. He can eat in the pub as well.

BodsAuntieFlo · 14/08/2016 14:31

Tell him to tidy his mess up. I wouldn't be cooking for him or lifting his mess.

MyNewBearTotoro · 14/08/2016 14:32

I would go on strike completely - at 23 why can't he make his own meals?

Or at the very least I would only cook him a meal if he has tidied away the last one. If his old meal/ plates etc are still dirty on the side of refuse to cook him anything else.

gamerchick · 14/08/2016 14:33

Not tidying up after him won't work, your mother will just do it when she gets back. Not cooking for him would have a better effect.

When your mother gets home tell her you won't be babysitting him anymore and if she carries on babying him she has no one else to blame when he's still there at 40.

monkeywithacowface · 14/08/2016 14:34

Stop cooking for him! Your as bad as your mum in enabling his behaviour. I'm always shocked by this sort of shite. You know it's crap behaviour on his part and the solution is so simple. Don't be a mug

Pearlman · 14/08/2016 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
notsurewhattodo123 · 14/08/2016 14:35

I'm so glad you agree, whenever I say anything to my brother or mum about his laziness/general child like behaviour, I end up feeling like I have three heads for thinking it's abnormal the way he acts...

The reason I'm staying is that he went off the rails a bit a few years ago, everytime my mum went out he would have people round and things went missing... I don't even mind cooking to be honest, I'm cooking for 2 anyway, it's just the untidyness that gets me! Angry

OP posts:
Sparklesilverglitter · 14/08/2016 14:35

Your a house sitter, not a baby sitter. Why did your parents even need a house sitter when your brother lives there Confused

At 23 He wants to eat he cooks! Just don't do it

CatchIt · 14/08/2016 14:35

Gather up all his mess and put it in his bed. Yes. In, not on.

My sister had a uni friend like this and he quickly pulled his weight once she did this!

It's unacceptable and your brother is going to get a shock one day unless he ends up with a dishcloth for a wife

Bananalanacake · 14/08/2016 14:36

Why are you house sitting? if your brother lives there and is 23 he's an adult and can look after the house, or is he disabled and needs 24hr care.

Original poster
notsurewhattodo123 · 14/08/2016 14:37

MyNewBearTotoro I think I'll do that, thank you!

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 14/08/2016 14:42

This is nuts. Your 23 YO brother is being insulated from adult life. He works and goes to the pub but seemingly isn't capable of feeding himself or looking after a house while your mum is away, or else she would have just gone away and left him to it.

He's never going to leave home if your mum does everything for him. Probably best he doesn't because it appears he still believes in the cooking and cleaning fairy and it wouldn't be fair on any future partner or housemates to live with someone who isn't capable of looking after himself properly.

Why is your mum still treating your brother like a child and why did you agree to babysit him in the first place? If you didn't mention work and the pub in your OP, I would have thought 23 was a typo and maybe your brother was 13 not 23?

BarbaraofSeville · 14/08/2016 14:44

Ah, just seen your last post. I did wonder if he was 23 going on 17 and couldn't be trusted not to have parties Hmm.

He can do the washing up for all you surely, if you are cooking?

Original poster
notsurewhattodo123 · 14/08/2016 14:52

I completely agree with you all...

MissMargie maybe there's hope for him yet!

I have no idea why he behaves as he does, we had the same upbringing but are on opposite ends of the spectrum!

BarbaraofSeville The washing up request may cause WW3 Grin however, I think that OH and I have stuck with our roles at home, we're both in the habit of one cooks/the other washes up and where brother isn't in after work, it just happens.

Thanks for the common sense everyone... I've told him he's not having any more meals cooked until the mess has gone... And it's miraculously been cleaned up! The threat of starvation (because he obviously can't feed himself) obviously works... And a serious chat with mum will happen when she's back!

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 14/08/2016 15:07

Why isn't the 23yo - who lives in the house - "housesitting" ???? Confused

Babyzoo · 14/08/2016 15:12

Notsure what does he actually say when you ask him to clear up?

I'm really interested to know how a 23 year old justifies not having to clear up after himself.

Original poster
notsurewhattodo123 · 14/08/2016 15:27

Babyzoo he'll get stroppy (in true Kevin style, it's quite comical really) and say that he'll do it but just doesn't, or say I'm moaning and hang up if it's on the phone... He mentioned the word lazy conversation last night, and I said "talking of lazy, are you planning on tidying all that up after you at some point, as I'm not doing it" to which he replied that surely I would do it when I'm doing the rest! He seemed genuinely surprised when I told him where to go. There's no words really!

He seems to have this weird attitude that anything anyone says is having a go at him, although I'm sure it's just a way to justify his behaviour to himself...

OP posts:
AnnieOnnieMouse · 14/08/2016 15:36

It's a very sexist suggestion, but how about asking your OH to have some very straight words with him. He evidently doesn't respect you or your mum, but might listen to your OH (cringes at the whole concept)

NightOwlKitty · 14/08/2016 15:39

I would leave. Go home. Your mother didn't want a house sitter, she wanted a skivvy for your brother.

BengalCatMum · 14/08/2016 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 14/08/2016 15:49

Personally, I wouldn't have been a housesitter if the only reason was to stop your adult brother from having parties. Your mother chooses to treat him like a child. That is her choice.

If she chose to chuck him out and let him grow up then she'd not need a housesitter.