To not go? Or do I need to strap on my big girl pants and suck it up?

[LewisAndClark]

It's DH's friend's wedding next weekend. Well, I've known him for ten years so he's my friend as well. His wife to be is lovely and we all get on very well.

I have some quite serious mh things going on. I haven't actually been able to leave the house on my own for about six months now. I'm very anxious and paranoid and just generally a mess.

Dh plays in a band and they will be providing the music for the reception. So I will have to be on my own (well, with 3dc in tow) for the whole evening part.

I would usually cope with my social anxiety by drinking but I can't do that and have sole charge of my DC.

I also have literally nothing to wear. I've gone from a size 10 to a size 16 in the past year and have nothing suitable for a wedding. I'd have to shop online as shopping is too overwhelming for me. Online shopping for clothes in a larger size depresses the fuck out of me so I generally avoid it (have been living in hand me downs).

Other than the bride and groom there will only be one other couple there that I know, so they will be lumbered with me all evening and then I'll be paranoid that they feel obligated to talk to me.

Basically im just a pathetic mess at the moment. But the kids want to go, and obviously they can't go unless I do. Dh would love me to go but says it's my choice. The bride and groom know I'm ill and actually had a long conversation with Dh about it the other day, they won't mind at all if I miss it.

But I just feel that I should stop being so wimpy and just go. I'm so sick of being the one who ruins things for everybody else.

Aaaargh. I can't make a decision. I'll let you vipers make it for me.

It's ok for you to push yourself out of your comfort zone but you shouldn't do it if it's going to make you go 10 steps back. Small steps are better than big jumps.

This isn't a big girl pants situation, you're ill. Imagine if you had a bad hip, you would be encouraged to do gentle exercises but would be warned against doing a 3 mile run.

If you decide to go, make sure you have a backup plan and it's a plan you're comfortable with.

I really wouldn't... If the worst case scenario of you having a major panic attack is a real likelihood; it would be bloody awful for that to play out in front of both your own children, and the entire reception room full of guests at someone's else's wedding.
That probably sounds less than sympathetic, but if ever a situation called for some advance damage limitation, this is it.

Actually I've just read your OP again and agree with the latest posters.

Would it be possible for you to try going out on your own for a walk over the next few days? That would help you gauge how likely you were to be able to cope with it.

We went for a dog walk yesterday and I left Dh and the kids on the park to walk 200 metres to the shop. I couldn't breathe on the way back. It's ridiculous. I'm completely not functioning.

I'll try and work up to it over the next week though and see how I go.

On that basis it really doesn't sound as if you are ready to go.

Could all the DCs go with your DH and then you go in a taxi to pick up the younger ones when he starts playing in the band? Or could he drop them home before the evening do starts in earnest?

I'm just trying to think if there are any solutions that would allow everyone else to go.

Long, long time anxiety sufferer here. Missed so many social functions you wouldn't believe (yet managed to work full time). It's social shit that panics me every time. I really regret all those weddings and parties I've missed but I'm like a dick and the panic attacks set in.
I'm better than I've ever been, I've only (deliberately) said no twice this year. Dr has given me propanolol which definitely takes the edge off the anxiety. It could be worth you asking? Mindfulness has also helped me. Also get online shopping and the wonderful MN'ers on here will help to find you something that makes you feel good.
Good luck.

How about breaking down into achievable chunks? First thing is to get something to wear, you can take/send it back if you decide not to go enjoy the challenge of choosing something you like at the right budget, look on pinter st for ideas etc.

Then if and only if you want to go to the ceremony knowing that if you feel you want to go home afterwards you can and make sure Dh can drop you or you have number for taxi.

Then if and only if you want to agree to go the the celebration for an hour, make sure you still have the taxi number. And so on.

You might not make it out of the front door, but you might manage to enjoy more of the event if you see it in smaller pieces and only focus on that piece at the time.

Agree with Mitford, break it down into smaller steps. Start with an outfit as you need to sort that soon in case you want to change your first choice. Others will be able to give better style advice but as a side 16 I prefer prom style dresses - phase 8; monsoon; m&s all do nice wedding styles. Once you have an outfit it allows you to make the next decision.

Right, after putting it off for ages I've ordered three dresses and some tights to arrive tomorrow.

I'm planning to go to the ceremony and then see how I am. If I go to the evening and need to come home early my dad will be able to pick me up.

Wish me luck!

That sounds like a good plan. You're giving it a go, and are making contingency arrangements.
Your elder 2 can stay with their Dad and come back home with him.
I expect that putting these plans in place has been quite draining and daunting for you. You've taken a good step. Whatever happens, you've made progress.

I hope you have a lovely time.

Having discussed it with Dh a bit more, we're going to take the kids to the ceremony and then if I decide to stay we'll drop them to his parents.

That way I can have a drink without worrying, which will massively help. I don't like drinking in sole charge of the kids.

Will drinking really help? That doesn't sound like the healthiest coping plan.

If you struggled to walk 200m yesterday you are significantly ill. What treatment are you getting?

Loads of treatment tbh. I have therapy every two weeks, see my cpn in the other weeks and take meds.

A couple of drinks will be fine, I'm not planning on getting plastered . Just enough to kill my social anxiety.

Going will probably be the only thing I do for the next few days but I think it's worth it, they are dear friends.

We took all the kids out last weekend for two meals out and the cinema and I had three small glasses of wine both days, it really helped me out in the big wide world. My cpn knows and is happy with it as a coping strategy.