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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go? Or do I need to strap on my big girl pants and suck it up?

38 replies

LewisAndClark · 12/08/2016 14:12

It's DH's friend's wedding next weekend. Well, I've known him for ten years so he's my friend as well. His wife to be is lovely and we all get on very well.

I have some quite serious mh things going on. I haven't actually been able to leave the house on my own for about six months now. I'm very anxious and paranoid and just generally a mess.

Dh plays in a band and they will be providing the music for the reception. So I will have to be on my own (well, with 3dc in tow) for the whole evening part.

I would usually cope with my social anxiety by drinking but I can't do that and have sole charge of my DC.

I also have literally nothing to wear. I've gone from a size 10 to a size 16 in the past year and have nothing suitable for a wedding. I'd have to shop online as shopping is too overwhelming for me. Online shopping for clothes in a larger size depresses the fuck out of me so I generally avoid it (have been living in hand me downs).

Other than the bride and groom there will only be one other couple there that I know, so they will be lumbered with me all evening and then I'll be paranoid that they feel obligated to talk to me.

Basically im just a pathetic mess at the moment. But the kids want to go, and obviously they can't go unless I do. Dh would love me to go but says it's my choice. The bride and groom know I'm ill and actually had a long conversation with Dh about it the other day, they won't mind at all if I miss it.

But I just feel that I should stop being so wimpy and just go. I'm so sick of being the one who ruins things for everybody else.

Aaaargh. I can't make a decision. I'll let you vipers make it for me.

OP posts:
Mooey89 · 12/08/2016 14:16

I think you need to have a big honest think about whether pushing yourself out of your comfort zone like this will be helpful for you. You are obviously having a really tough time and if you'll hate every second I'm not sure there's any point putting yourself through it? On the other hand if you think it might be a positive challenge then give it a go but leave if it becomes too much. Can you go to the ceremony only?

BikeRunSki · 12/08/2016 14:18

I'm a big believer in "feel the fear and do it anyway", but tbh, I don't think you sound ready for this.

Missgraeme · 12/08/2016 14:18

Maybe focus on the fact the kids want to go. There will be lots of times ahead that u will (and lots of us!) have to take the kids here there and everywhere we really don't wanna go! U can focus chat including the kids and husbands music! I am sure u will be too busy keeping the kids amused and enjoying the day than getting stressed. I bet once it's over u will realise u enjoyed yourself and it will give u confidence to take the kids out again soon! Good luck. And get on eBay for an outfit!!

QueenZelda · 12/08/2016 14:24

I've been there OP and I think you should go. You might enjoy it a tiny bit, and then next time will be a little bit easier and so on and so forth.

Flowers
Original poster
LewisAndClark · 12/08/2016 14:25

I won't be able to leave early because Dh would have to take me home and obviously he'll be busy. So if I go I'll have to commit to the whole evening.

I don't actually have to decide until the day so maybe I'll get an outfit and not make any decisions yet.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobblers · 12/08/2016 14:25

You could concentrate on the kids maybe? It could give you a focus for the evening. See it as a fun activity for them, rather than a social occasion for you. Tbh, an evening do with sole charge of three kids is going to end up like that anyway.

Also, is there any chance you could go home under your own steam rather than waiting for the band to finish - that way you could escape if things are getting too much and you don't have to wait for the end?

HumphreyCobblers · 12/08/2016 14:25

sorry, x post about the lift home

Floggingmolly · 12/08/2016 14:26

Why are the kids so keen to go? They won't know anyone either...

retainertrainer · 12/08/2016 14:26

Could you just go for an hour?

Original poster
LewisAndClark · 12/08/2016 14:28

The kids know the grooms kids, and they don't often get a chance to see Daddy's band play so they're excited about that. And they are just generally party animals.

I could go to just the ceremony, as there would be time to drop me and the kids home before going on to the reception (it's very local). But then I think the kids would be gutted to miss the good bit.

OP posts:
Motherwithflaws · 12/08/2016 14:29

I have similar issues and I wouldn't go. Is there anyone else who could go in your place and take the children?

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 12/08/2016 14:38

I was meant to be at a friends wedding yesterday. I didn't go as ex h was also going and due to the circumstances of recent split, and the effect it has had on me I felt it would be awkward for everyone else (mutual friends) and wasn't sure I would be able to get through it without getting upset. I just didn't want it to be in any way about us and our problems rather than about the bride and groom.
I now slightly wish I had gone-I struggled last night a bit knowing all out mutual friends were there-it felt quite isolating-but on the other hand, I'm still not sure I would have got through it intact so on balance it was probably best for me not to go.slightly different circumstances for you but...
In your case how damaging will it be for you to go? Will you be able to get through it? If you think you can then I would go. As pp have said focus on the kids-plus you will be surprised by how many people will chat with you if you are on your own whilst dh is playing. Worst comes to the worst, retreat to the outside for a bit to collect yourself? If you can do it it will be a great milestone in your recovery. If not, well then you just aren't there yet-good that the friends are so nice and will understand.

UnexpectedBaggage · 12/08/2016 14:41

Big girl pants time, I think. You can always get a taxi if it gets too much.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 12/08/2016 14:49

What help are you getting for your MH issues? Do you have a counsellor you can discuss strategies with before you go?

Does it help to take your focus off you and how you feel about it all and focus instead on giving your kids a fun evening out, being there to support your friends and your DH? I mean that in the nicest possible way: I lack confidence in social occasions and hate the way I look, and often need to tell myself that actually, it's not all about me. So, for example, DS gets distressed when I delete all the photos of me, so I have to get over the fact that I can't bear to look at them because he loves them.

ChocolateJam · 12/08/2016 14:49

It's all well and fine for people to say that you should go and focus on your kids, but you're there and you're not coping, how will that impact on them? How old are they? Is there a friend or family member who could go in your place to look after them? And you can have some lovely me-time, pampering yourself in whatever way you enjoy.

Original poster
LewisAndClark · 12/08/2016 14:57

I'm seeing my cpn next week so I'll talk to her and see what she suggests. I have Valium I can take that will help a bit I think.

Kids are a preschooler and two young teens. I didn't have anyone else that could or would go.

Worst case scenario would be having a full blown panic attack which would be distressing for the kids and not fair on the happy couple.

OP posts:
Sceptimum · 12/08/2016 14:57

Oh, tough one. Is a cab home an option if it all gets too much?

lalalalyra · 12/08/2016 14:58

How far away is the reception? Could you budget for a taxi so that you can go for the children's sake, but also know that you are leaving at 10pm/11pm and could escape earlier if need be? Would that help?

Original poster
LewisAndClark · 12/08/2016 14:58

Could definitely escape in a taxi, although would need to pre book one.

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 12/08/2016 15:02

I would have thought two young teens could hang out with the other kids and dh get them home and you leave early with preschooler

cozietoesie · 12/08/2016 15:06

I'd get an outfit anyway. Smile

For myself, it would be one of those things where I'd feel worse about things for not going. You'll have your DH and children there after all. Smile

MaddyHatter · 12/08/2016 15:07

i agree with lilac,

i think you should go as a family to the ceremony, then let the older two stay with dad, and then you go for maybe an hour of the reception and then bring the younger one home in a taxi.

Young teens (i'm assuming 13-15) are old enough to be left with dad at a wedding venue, even if he is on stage.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 12/08/2016 15:16

Be gentle with yourself. I don't think this is a big girl pants situation.
If the DCs really want to go then I'd think they would be ok with the older ones looking after the little ones since your DH is going to be there.

GobblersKnob · 12/08/2016 15:23

I think you should only go if you want to go.

My therapist more often than not tell me not to do stuff I don't want to do, you are still a person not just an illness, she tends to tell me I am an adult and life it too short. However if I want to go but it is just hard then she would very definitely tell me to brace myself and do it anyway, because again life is short.

So if you would like to go, but it feels difficult = find coping strategies and a plan B and go do it.

If you don't really want to go + if feels hard = fuck it, ice cream, popcorn, movie night under a duvet with the kids Smile

Be gentle with yourself Flowers

rookiemere · 12/08/2016 15:30

I'm with maddy. Go for a short while then get a cab home with younger DCs.
You could pre-order the cab for a set time that's quite early say 8pm - that way if it does start feeling hard, you could remind yourself that you've only got an hour to go or whatever.

If you start feeling anxious, then use the DCs as an excuse. hopefully the weather is good in which case you need to take them out for a run around. You can be very busy looking after them.

Your elder DCs are old enough to be there knowing their DF is in the band and you could ask the other couple to keep an eye on them.