... To want to cut back on parent visiting?

[souperb]

Before we had children our parents lived within 30 mins of each other. When I was pregnant my parents announced they were going to move to the other side of the country. They have always been very upfront about not wanting to help with or look after our children and I appreciate their honesty. They like hearing about the children and enjoy us visiting. Because of the distance, we visited 3-4 times a year. In laws also like being visited and have been similarly disinclined to babysit until the death of FIL a few years ago. MIL now has one child at a time for a sleepover 1-2 times a year and they really enjoy this time they spend with her. After FIL died, MIL moved away to the same city as SIL. MIL is getting more "elderly" and needs help with shopping and general wrangling. SIL works full time and is often away at weekends, so this tends to fall to us, usually at the weekend when DH is about with the car. My parents are also getting on. DM is in early stages of dementia. DF is struggling to cope. Last year they moved again to a more remote area. It takes me nearly 7 hours to get there by train and taxi (I don't drive). It's 3 hours in the car, but we ALL have to go and so the DC essentially get no weekend (so no parties, friends, hobbies or relaxing) and neither do DH and I. I have 2 sisters who visit them 1-2 times a year (both are single and childless, so I feel they are less encumbered than me). I have asked my parents to consider moving nearer, but they refuse despite the fact that they are very car dependant and are unlikely to be able to stay there long term.

I am increasingly fed up of feeling we are the ones that do everything. That our sisters do not pull their weight. But also that the "social contract" has been broken - both sets of parents have refused to babysit even occasionally, and have made positive decisions to relocate away from us. AIBU to cut back our visits (whether the slack is picked up by our sisters or not)?

God parents are a worry. Yadnbu.
You sound like a really good person. Take some of the weight off, they chose to move far, they chose to absolve themselves of gp duties.
Go less frequently
My parents. Step dad has muscle wasting disease. Mum has severely arthritic knee and is waiting for a replacement.
So, you would think they would sell their 3 storey town house in my county and move to a bungalow.
Nope. They are selling and moving 40 miles away to a standard house, closer to my brother who is registered blind.
When we suggested bungalow they said don't be silly they are for oldies.
The future doesn't look great. I've got family n work commitments here, including pil in their 70's. They are great and have been a godsend with c.care when I've been working. I will do all I can when they need help. They've done their own future proofing. They live 3 miles away and have a stair lift.

Work out how many weekends/weekdays a year you are willing to give over to the parents. Split that between both sets. Schedule them. Do that schedule. Anyone gives you any shit about it, ignore. Easier said than done obviously. I have done it in my family and it works. Others step up or don't, those making daft life choices either change them or don't. That's their decision. You make your own decision.

I'm not convinced Dad is coping. DM needs constant vigilance. I'm with them for a few days now and last night she got up at about 3am and was trying to make cheese on toast. She is a bit of a liability and it's very difficult to do anything else when you're with her. She also gets full of rage and that is also difficult because you can't just pick her up and stick her in a pushchair until she calms down (my usual tantrum strategy).

I also worry about the example we would be setting our DC by bailing on my parents. Not that I plan on being so demanding in the future. But still.

My health is fine now - thanks to those who asked. No more growth and they keep an eye on it. It was 6 years ago. Compared to so many, I got off extremely lightly. I just get petit mal from time to time (hence no more driving). I just wanted a bit more than grapes from my relatives.

souperb, don't worry about the example you will set your DC by pulling back from your parents. The example they will follow is the one you set when they are adults in the times that they need your support.

As for your childless / childfree siblings, how much they pitch in with their parents will probably determine how much support they get in their older years if they remain childfree. When my mother and [never married, childless] uncle were ill, my childfree brother did more than his share because, at the time, my DC were young and it was really difficult for me as I usually had to drag the kids with me, although I did what I could. However, he knows that in his and his DP's old age it'll be my kids who'll be doing their turn of the family duty and looking out for them as well as me and DH. Members of supportive families pitch in with what support they can provide knowing that in return they'll get what support they need.

"I also worry about the example we would be setting our DC by bailing on my parents. Not that I plan on being so demanding in the future. But still."
So what example do you think this situation might be setting? That the way to get help is not to be co-operative and reciprocal, but instead to be stubborn and demanding? Not a great example.

You are worried that your dad is already not coping. You know it is going to get worse. I get your concern. But you need to step back from the trees and see the shape of the woods. You are faced with two futures, pick one -

1. You stand your ground that you cannot travel to them at current frequency any more. Whatever he needs from you he has to arrange to get from elsewhere or do without. He bitches about it, things go wrong for a bit until he buckles down and gets on with arranging care. Your mum is not much worse than she is now and there are a range of options available. They are able to tailor the care to their preferences. You are rested and get to spend time with your DH/DC and DC get to go to parties/sleepovers/playdates.

1. You put your, DH and DC lives on hold to pander to your parents demands. They make no attempts to arrange alternative care, spurning possible help. You burn out from the pressure and can no longer offer anything. You mum is by now much worse, and when your dad is forced to look for a replacement to you he is shocked to learn that e.g. some care homes won't offer place because whilst they would have taken her on at an earlier stage and stuck with her, they won't start with her at this point. He has few options and has to take whatever he can get. You, meanwhile, are ill and unable to function. Your DH and DC suffer.

So - 1 or 2?

Now, I'm sure you're sitting there thinking '3 - my stubborn father refuses to get care from anyone but me, the game of 'chicken' ends when I blink and give in'. But that's really just 2 with a small time delay, and t ends the same.

You need to look to the long term. Their needs will increase, which means their demands on you will increase. There will come a point that you will simply not be able to do it. Physically unable. So wouldn't it be best, for them as well as for you, to bite the bullet now and step back? If their stubbornness takes them to crisis point, that's still OK because then discussions will have to occur and this will involve your sisters as well. The important thing is that the burden (of care or decisions) does not fall solely on your shoulders. Because your parents are not your responsibility.

You know, what I don't get is why you take on the responsibility that is so clearly not yours. They are early 60's. Only one of them has dementia. They are competent to make their choices and live with them.

Oh, and when if your dad tries to guilt you, that would be the time to polish your bitterness and point out that when you needed help they were demonstrably not there for you, and you are sure they will manage just like you had to. Or at the very least to insist on a reason why they didn't offer help.

Nope. They moved. End of.

Not much to add except that your husband sounds awesome (as do you), and do you think you might benefit from some therapy to help unpack your relationship with your parents?

I second the counselling. I've probably needed it for several different issues over the years but could never make the step. After my daughter had finished cancer treatment after a second relapse, I finally gave in and sought it out via a cancer charity. It has helped so much, and one of the things it has really helped me with is my very complicated and difficult relationship with my parents. It really seems like you, your dc and your dh are suffering because of the control your parents have over you, but you need to be able to deal with it in a way that doesn't make you suffer too. I get it's complicated, but maybe counselling will help you to do what you need to do.