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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go on this weekend

77 replies

salmonred · 11/08/2016 19:32

PIL, 80's, take a cottage in the same place at the same time every year. SIL and BIL always go too.

We went almost annually when the DC were little but when they were Secondary age we made the decision not to miss school. PIL felt I was being tricky 'it's only a weekend' partly I think encouraged by DH.

We were told last Spring that September last year would be the last time; they weren't as mobile, it was getting too expensive and after 25 years it might be time for a change. They really wanted us all to go so DH DD & I went, DS had just started Uni so couldn't make it.

It was quite hard work, they're set in their ways and like things done 'just so'.
However I threw myself into it, taking MIL shopping, cooking for everyone, making cakes doing the general chores. TBF they appreciated my efforts and I was happy to help , I didn't really enjoy it but I knew it was the last time.

Except it isn't. They've decided to go again this year and want DH & me to join them, DD has a pre booked trip planned.

I really don't want to go, it's 3 days of precious annual leave, I don't really enjoy BIL & SIL's company and after years of going to the same place I find it dull.
DH really wants to go but he's cross that I don't. I've suggested he goes alone leaving but he thinks it'll look odd.
Sorry for the essay but AIBU to not go or should I suck it up?

OP posts:

Lorelei76 · 11/08/2016 21:02

I wouldn't go
it isn't fair to keep pulling out "last time"

but also...you spend time with them otherwise and frankly if you spend most of the cottage time doing chores, the other time you spend with them is more likely to be quality time? So it seems very reasonable that you don't go.

If DH wants to go he should just go alone. You have your parents to consider too - I always save a few eave days for the odd issue that crops up with mine.

Trojanhorsebox · 11/08/2016 21:03

If PIL are in the 80s with mobility problems, then presumably the only way they can manage this sort of trip is if other people facilitate it for them - well last year that was you.

I wouldn't go - last year was the last time supposedly. Unfortunately because you pulled out all the stops to make it work, it was a success, so now everyone wants a rerun - no way!

If, big if, you decide to go, I would be very clear with DH, BIL & SIL just how much effort and help PIL need. So make a list - grocery shopping, how many meals to cook, clearing up etc. Then divide the tasks. BIL and DH get to go fishing if they've done the shopping and if they clear up after the meal the rest of you cook while they are out fishing. If they're not going to do their share, you don't go, as it's clear they don't want your company just a cook and housekeeper. My concern would be that they agree to help so you'll go, and then once you're there they don't pull their weight so you're stuck with a repeat of last year - or you pay to eat out all the time which may not suit everyone's budget.

LizzieVereker · 11/08/2016 21:04

I think you only have yourself to blame for making it so lovely for them last time . Maybe go but be a pain in the bum so they don't ask again? I think YWNBU not to go, but I would probably feel guilted into it.

Firsttimer82 · 11/08/2016 21:09

Do you know what I've only been married two years and I have already realised that my DH has slapped his hands together because he thinks that I can be lead communicator / carer for his slight awkward but well meaning totally fucking bonkers and annoying parents. I do so much for them to please them and as DH is quite quiet with them he now won't see or Skype my PIL without me, or will do so under duress. I do stuff with my parents without him all the time. OP you have highlighted to me the error of my ways! Don't go, let him go and let him pick up the slack of the cooking and cleaning, chatting and entertaining. Enjoy the house to yourself!!

Pearlman · 11/08/2016 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myownprivateidaho · 11/08/2016 21:14

I think it depends how often dh sees his parents. Personally I'd go on condition that dh does the chores.

Original poster

salmonred · 11/08/2016 21:20

Thanks so much for the comments.

As many of you have pointed out even if I go with the best intentions of not doing the chores I will get sucked into it. PIL are nice people and deserve kindness & I'd hate to see them struggling with something I could easily do.

I'm not a martyr and I'm not a particularly nice person behind the bedroom door I winged incessantly at DH but he's forgotten.

We could eat out every night but PIL like to eat very early and are incredibly fussy so it's not very relaxing. But it might be a solution if I'm guilt tripped into going.

I did murmur something about a luxury weekend in a hotel as compensation. Just sowing the seed in DH's mind

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/08/2016 21:40

God no. They unilaterally decided how you would spend that weekend. They're guilting you big time. It is your life and your decision.

Trojanhorsebox · 11/08/2016 22:36

I wouldn't be making lists of jobs and dividing up chores - I agree Pearlman, this should not be necessary, and if the OP were dealing with people who are ready to muck in and do their bit it would be overkill.

I suggested it as it seems a bit like dealing with young children - be clear what the expectations are, put things in black and white on a list and tick things off on the list when done! It's not the way I'd want to have to deal with the adults around me in everyday life, but it might be a way of coping with lazy selfish people who are happy to let OP do all the work to ensure a pleasant trip for everyone else - too much like hard work, hence, as I said, I wouldn't go!

GnomeDePlume · 11/08/2016 22:39

Hmm, I'm not sure. I read the what would you tell yourself ten years ago thread and quite a few people said they'd spend more time with parents, grandparents etc because they're gone now. It's one weekend out of 365 days. Is it really such a hardship?

Now I disagree that this should be used as a reason for feeling guilt tripped into attending yet another family holiday. Not everybody thinks they should have spent more time with parents/grandparents. If you are already spending a reasonable amount of time with family members then in this case 'enough is enough'..

TheVeryThing · 11/08/2016 22:54

Do many people wish they'd spent more time with their in-laws? Not sure I've ever heard that.
Provided you see them at other times I wouldn't be guilted into going on this trip. Is there anyway that you could go for a night or two (I think you said it was 5 days in total). There is no way I would use three days of annual leave on something I didn't want to do and wasn't strictly necessary.

MaryMargaret · 11/08/2016 23:13

I actually really like spending time with my dm without dh & dcs in tow - much more intimate and relaxed. If dh is busy humouring you with long walks he'll see less of his ageing dps. Which is the main reason for him going surely and not fishing

GingerbreadGingerbread · 11/08/2016 23:20

Some PPs have compared this to Christmas but that's a once a year event, this is just a random weekend and the OP says she and her husband do many trips a year. It's using annual leave but come on- if we can't put ourselves out ever so slightly for family then that's pretty sad. So what if you do a few chores to help your elders PILs? Since when did showing a little bit of kindness and compassion becoming "being taken for a mug"? OP I feel you are being very mean to your husband. I do many things that wouldn't be top of my list with my PIL because they're family and my DH loves them and I expect him to extend the same courtesy to my family. Nothing outrageous just similar to what you've said here. It's up to you, you can choose to be entitled, selfish and argumentative or you can do something that means a lot and is important to your family and create some happy family memories. These things are all about the attitude we choose to have.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2016 23:40

entitled, selfish and argumentative? Bloody hell. Just because she doesn't want to spend 5 days skivvying so that her DH can fish with his brother? Every year.

And her DH does not do the same for her!

My DH slogs in my DM and DF's house so I can sit and chat. I do the same with his Dad. But no one fucks off fishing while the other waits on and entertains their PIL. That's weird!

StealthPolarBear · 12/08/2016 06:22

Since when did showing a little bit of kindness and compassion becoming "being taken for a mug"

When you're the only one who gets lumbered with all the jobs

anotherBadAvatar · 12/08/2016 06:50

From your last post it looks like you've resigned yourself to going, so go. And do all the cooking. And cleaning. And skivvying. Again. Meanwhile DH and BIL get a nice catered fishing trip. Enjoy

Original poster

salmonred · 12/08/2016 06:58

Far from it another.
DH and I had a discussion last night and I've decided not to go. He's going to tell his parents my annual leave request was refused.
I have said I'll consider next year it it's again 'the last one'.

I do feel a bit mean but i need to save some holiday for my own ageing parents.

OP posts:

Pearlman · 12/08/2016 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2016 07:35

That's great op!

FinallyHere · 12/08/2016 07:37

Well done, OP.

p.s. Another seed to sow is that the cottage part of this is no longer appropriate. They need a hotel, or somewhere that comes with a housekeeper and cook. Even as I wrote that, I was thinking I bet they won't be prepared to pay. It's really making my blood boil, thinking that they want you there to 'skivvy' so the 'men' can enjoy their fishing. Does DH ever do anything like this for you/your family?

MaryMargaret · 12/08/2016 07:40

Good. And I bet they all have a nice time anyway - no reason why they shouldn't

LindyHemming · 12/08/2016 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

talulahbeige · 12/08/2016 08:04

Go but do what you find relaxing instead (like dh fished!) of the work.
Next year they won't ask you again

pictish · 12/08/2016 08:35

Euphemia that's a very good point and one that often gets forgotten in the debate. Someone earler said something blunt like, "Your OH wants to go so you should go." and I thought...why the fuck should she? If he wants to go, he can go.
How many men in the same scenario would feel obliged to spend a weekend away cooking, cleaning, shopping for and entertaining their in laws while their wives go and pursue some leisure activities with their siblings?
Not very fucking many I'll wager.

girlywhirly · 12/08/2016 09:26

I'm totally in agreement that you shouldn't have to go, and certainly not to facilitate everyone else's enjoyment at the expense of your own. I suspect that not having you there to do all the jobs that you do, will make the ILS think twice about next year, because it is so much work (when they have to do it)

Although I would probably make a cake to send with DH!

When DH comes back, ask him how they coped without you there. If they muddled though fine; if they were struggling, then really they should be looking at different holidays where meals are provided, cleaning done, and access easy. The PIL may have assumed that you enjoyed looking after them, but they should understand that it is your holiday and your annual leave, and that you may wish to spend it differently. Also that they are not the only ones who need looking after, your parents need you too. I've known quite a few elderly people to be self centred and completely disregard their son/daughter in law family's needs.

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