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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go on this weekend

77 replies

salmonred · 11/08/2016 19:32

PIL, 80's, take a cottage in the same place at the same time every year. SIL and BIL always go too.

We went almost annually when the DC were little but when they were Secondary age we made the decision not to miss school. PIL felt I was being tricky 'it's only a weekend' partly I think encouraged by DH.

We were told last Spring that September last year would be the last time; they weren't as mobile, it was getting too expensive and after 25 years it might be time for a change. They really wanted us all to go so DH DD & I went, DS had just started Uni so couldn't make it.

It was quite hard work, they're set in their ways and like things done 'just so'.
However I threw myself into it, taking MIL shopping, cooking for everyone, making cakes doing the general chores. TBF they appreciated my efforts and I was happy to help , I didn't really enjoy it but I knew it was the last time.

Except it isn't. They've decided to go again this year and want DH & me to join them, DD has a pre booked trip planned.

I really don't want to go, it's 3 days of precious annual leave, I don't really enjoy BIL & SIL's company and after years of going to the same place I find it dull.
DH really wants to go but he's cross that I don't. I've suggested he goes alone leaving but he thinks it'll look odd.
Sorry for the essay but AIBU to not go or should I suck it up?

OP posts:

chocoLit · 11/08/2016 19:50

Eh sod that! After years of wasting annual leave visiting the PIL I now don't go. The kids are old enough for DH to cope with going on his own so frankly sod that.

Being self employed and NEVER having any time off helps however..........

Pearlman · 11/08/2016 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

salmonred · 11/08/2016 19:57

I should add that I regularly visit my elderly parents without DH.

I do feel mean, they won't be around forever. DH and I both have breaks away without each other but his parents don't approve so I think he wants me there to save face.

A bit of me thinks I should stand my ground then another thinks 'well it's only 5 days'. We're lucky enough to have lots of holidays but this trip is PIL & BIL's only trip.

OP posts:

toptoe · 11/08/2016 19:59

You know you'll end up doing all the hard work again. Just say 'no, I don't want to go' and end the discussion there. Don't explain anymore. He'll promise you this and that but you know that you'll end up having to keep them all happy again, so don't go. Your dd has the right to keep her pre-booked engagement too. Put you and your dd first. It'll feel strange, but really what's the worst that can happen if you just say 'no'?

Didiusfalco · 11/08/2016 20:00

No, absolutely not.

You did your bit on the 'last' trip. You kept your end of the bargain, your dh doesn't get to renegotiate the terms.

Pearlman · 11/08/2016 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 11/08/2016 20:03

Don't go. Your DH can go on his own. Nothing 'odd' about your not going along, he just doesn't want to do any chores/skivvying. Bet you London to a brick he won't do any of that work.

chocoLit · 11/08/2016 20:10

Hi expat nice to 'see' you, I 'knew' you under a different guise many many years ago on here. I hope you and yours are all well and as usual I agree completely with your take on the unpaid help for the OPs weekend

HarryPottersMagicWand · 11/08/2016 20:12

Tough if it's PIL and BILs only trip. It doesn't have to include you. You went for the last time, they probably said it to guilt you into going.

If it means that much to your DH, he is free to go. He just wants his skivvy there, as do PIL. Who cares if they don't approve of you going away separately, nothing to do with them.

Birdsgottafly · 11/08/2016 20:17

Depending on how far into their 80's they are, realistically it could be the last year that they go.

I'd go, but plan ahead for next year and perhaps suggest a catered holiday, next year, if there is one.

That depends on how often that you see them, in general.

pictish · 11/08/2016 20:20

Yanbu. Of course dh can go on his own. Is he afraid that in your absence he will be doing the chores, cooking, shopping, entertaining?

StealthPolarBear · 11/08/2016 20:22

This is a difficult one. Who would skivvy if you weren't there?

quasibex · 11/08/2016 20:31

I have a comparable experience. My FIL is very elderly (he has 20 years on MIL) and a few years ago his health seemed to be in free fall so we were asked if we could spend a 'last' family Christmas with them breaking our own tradition. Naturally we agreed and like you OP I pulled out all the stops to help make it a beautiful memory of time together as a family.

Fortunately his health turned around and he's still with us but MIL did turn round the following year asking for another family Christmas.

I declined...this could have continued for years and would have totally thrown our own family celebrations which always involve both sides of the family and are crucially about what our children want not aging grandparents.

You're right to turn down another trip and let your DH know he can do what's right for him too.

Hope the fallout isn't too rough.

RumAppleGinger · 11/08/2016 20:32

YANBU. DH wants you there so he can fuck off fishing whilst you take on the role of entertaining/cooking for/cleaning up after his parents again.

bakeoffcake · 11/08/2016 20:37

Don't go and don't feel guilty about it.

I find my PIL very hard work and they only live half an hour away, we used to see them frequently, lots of family meals etc but after 28 years and children flying the nest, I've asked dh to do more with them on his own. your Dh needs to do the same.
Your PIL will hopefully have another decade of healthy happy years, you shouldn't have to go on holidays you don't want to.

Italiangreyhound · 11/08/2016 20:39

I would go and make the best of it. It's three days. In a few years they may not be here anymore. I know you don't like them much, I find that a bit sad. Can you not enjy their company for three days?

If you choose not to go I don't think you are being unreasonable but I think you are missing out a chance to support your dh. Maybe soon you will find something you want to go to and he can come along and keep you company too!

Emmaroos · 11/08/2016 20:39

YANBU. Invitations are extended. It's your prerogative to decline. Prior engagement. Tell DH that if he goes this year and they work through who will do all the jobs you have previously been left to do that you might come next year and do an agreed fair share.

LottieDoubtie · 11/08/2016 20:39

Speaking as someone who has been to five (count em- five!!) last 'big' birthday parties with 'all' the family for an ageing relative you can't live your life like that. If they are in their 80s they may easily leave another 10 to 15 years if they are still in reasonably good health now.

Italiangreyhound · 11/08/2016 20:40

PS but I would not do the skivvying and if it came to it I would suggest take aways or eating out to avoid cooking, I hate cooking and cleaning. If you do it, they will let you. Just say Phew, I need a break, I won;t be doing any cooking or cleaning. How dirty can it get in three days!

Good luck, whatever you decide.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 11/08/2016 20:44

Yanbu, adding to the chorus of voices I too believe that your presence is wanted so that you can provide the entertainment and care for his parents while dh gets to sit back and enjoy a leisurely holiday.

NickiFury · 11/08/2016 20:48

Hmm, I'm not sure. I read the what would you tell yourself ten years ago thread and quite a few people said they'd spend more time with parents, grandparents etc because they're gone now. It's one weekend out of 365 days. Is it really such a hardship?

Ameliablue · 11/08/2016 20:51

Your do wants to go so you should go

StealthPolarBear · 11/08/2016 20:58

I am coming at this from the pov of having in laws I like and enjoy spending time with, but the expectation that dh should spend time with them without you is sad. Dh sees his parents on his own (or with the dc) a fair bit but this is as well as all the family stuff we do.

OpenMe · 11/08/2016 21:00

For a few days, if Dh wanted to go I'd do it and he'd do it for me.

happypoobum · 11/08/2016 21:01

YANBU - agree with PP, you are just there to be the domestic drudge. Maybe DH, SIL and BIL can skivvy this year.

Let DH sulk all he likes, he can go and you can go to Rome with your mates

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