Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday turning into a bit of a nightmare and no idea how to save it!!

52 replies

Janus · 11/08/2016 17:04

We are on holiday with an old friend of ours. I haven't seen him for about 7 years as he's been living abroad.
I think he's close to being depressed. He has a daughter but separated from his wife a few years ago and sees her when he comes back to uk. She is with us too and is an absolute delight, one of the happiest children ever!
But he spends his evenings drinking and becomes a very unhappy drunk who goes on about how much he misses her etc.
He has left his job and had no idea what to do so my husband has offered him a new venture to start overseas again.
He has spent the last 2 nights telling us how much he will miss her but then we said he has 2 options, stay in uk and get any job going so he can see her all the time or go overseas. He has a specialised job so not possible to get this in uk so would need to do something like a postman. He thinks this is not suitable.
So we have been going around in circles, him getting very morose, us trying to give advice. He drinks too much and then can't get up in the morning so I or my husband get her breakfast and see to her.
He now spends the day sitting on a chair and not saying much. I'm finding it very akward now, there's no conversation and I've got to the point where I don't know what to say. We have 3 more days left and then he goes home but we stay.
I'm beginning to get fed up that he's not doing anything or saying anything with his daughter or us. He started a row last night and called my husband 'smug' despite us giving him a free holiday with his daughter and trying to give some help.
How can I get this back on track and get some happy back?

OP posts:
Niloufes · 11/08/2016 17:08

Take the daughter out for the day and leave him in bed, enjoy your holiday. Only 3 days until you get the place to yourself so spend them out of the house.

sonjadog · 11/08/2016 17:08

That´s a hard one... I think first of all, stop giving him advice. You´ve said your bit, now he has to either do it or not. He is a grown man and the choice is his. So I think you put on your breezy, happy face for the next few days. If he is sitting in silence, then let him me. Go do something else or read a book. Can you go out for part of the day? Leave him at home if he doesn´t want to come. It´s your holiday too and you are entitled to enjoy it.

CotswoldStrife · 11/08/2016 17:19

I second sonja's advice - don't give him any more advice, entertain his daughter so she has a good time. Assume he won't be going out at all and try and keep his the drink to a minimum to prevent the sulks starting again. Unfair of him to take a pop at your husband but he probably feels the difference between his family set up and yours (not that he should take a pop at you for that though, he should use it as motivation to change his own situation!).

Original poster
Janus · 11/08/2016 17:21

We are going out for lunch and dinner and he comes along but then sits there quietly too. I could not go out and not offer him to come with us as that's upsetting so we keep going out, he keeps coming but then not saying hardly a word until the booze kicks in and off we go again! I've said to husband that we go out tonight to eat but then we both go to bed as soon as we get home. Bit silly to be doing this in our own house but avoids the talking about it all over again which I can't do again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janus · 11/08/2016 17:24

I guess I'm angry that he says how much he misses her but when he's here and now with her he has done very little. I feed her, do her hair, put on the suncream etc and he sits there!

OP posts:
Stevefromstevenage · 11/08/2016 17:29

I guess I'm angry that he says how much he misses her but when he's here and now with her he has done very little

I think at this stage I would be getting angry and probably say the above. Yea things are tough for him but he has to take some responsibility with his daughter. You are very, very good friends.

Griphook · 11/08/2016 17:34

Is he talking his dd with him when he leaves? Or is she staying with you?

derxa · 11/08/2016 17:34

Flowers You are lovely. A good friend. One of the first 'real' threads I've read on here for a while.

sonjadog · 11/08/2016 17:35

I wouldn´t bother confronting him. I´d just let him get on with it. What are you going to say now that you haven´t said already? It doesn´t sound like he´s ready to listen to advice. Do you have kids or are you there on your own? If you are there on your own, I would say that tonight you want to have an evening to yourselves, and go out and leave him to his own devices. Tomorrow evening you can have an early night and spend the evening in your rooms, and then there is only the last night to get through.

Buggers · 11/08/2016 17:36

My guess is that he has a drinking problem, isn't really all that interested in his daughter but every alcoholic loves a sob story so that's why he says it every evening. I wouldn't go away with him again he sounds like a nightmare.

Original poster
Janus · 11/08/2016 17:38

He will be taking his daughter home and then gives her back to her mother the next day and possibly not seeing her until Christmas. Which is why I think he should be making every moment count. He hasn't left the house with just her once. But she's also loving being with our kids and may not want to go either but I think he should at least ask her. We have offered our car to him and he totally blanked the offer and did not say a word!

OP posts:
Original poster
Janus · 11/08/2016 17:43

Thank you everyone for thinking we are nice! I'm floating between feeling sorry for him (as it must be unbearable to not see your child) and then angry.
Will just have to get through the next few days and yes, not do this again! (Automatically though I feel sorry for saying this as his daughter is loving every second.)

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 11/08/2016 17:43

How old is she?
I wouldn't say anything at this point, just concentrate on surviving the rest of the holiday and giving her a great time

And never go away with him again

Lilaclily · 11/08/2016 17:44

You do sound lovely
Where do you know him from ? Is he both your friend or just yours or Dh's?

Are your kids ok around him, the silent thing must be wierd for them ? How old are Yours?

babyboomersrock · 11/08/2016 17:56

Sorry to be blunt but he sounds like a maudlin self-pitying drunk - I knew someone just like him, years ago. His poor daughter - thank goodness she's had you taking care of her.

Don't waste any more energy on him, OP. You've looked after his child and made sure she had a good time - that was lovely of you but you can do no more.

Original poster
Janus · 11/08/2016 17:56

We all used to work together many moons ago and he did once in a while get like this back then.
She is 8 as is one of our daughters and we have teenagers and a younger one. The teenagers did ask today if we'd fallen out as we weren't saying much. I just said it was a long story!

OP posts:
pearlylum · 11/08/2016 18:00

You went on holiday with someone you haven't seen for 7 years?
Blimey.

emotionsecho · 11/08/2016 18:00

I was going to suggest you and your family go out and leave him and his daughter behind but from what you've said that would be unfair on the daughter.

You must have the patience of a saint as I'd have had to have bit my tongue until it bled to have not said something very harsh to him by now. No way I could keep quiet if he kept moaning about missing his daughter and then not spending time with her when he has the perfect opportunity.

Original poster
Janus · 11/08/2016 18:01

And they actually have a good relationship, you can tell she loves him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janus · 11/08/2016 18:03

Sorry, I haven't seen him for 7 years but my husband travels to where he used to live overseas every few weeks so sees him regularly there for dinner etc.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 11/08/2016 18:05

What pearlylum said.

I am shocked you would invite someone you haven't seen for 7 years on holiday with you and your children.

pearlylum · 11/08/2016 18:09

Just because your OH socialises with him doesn't mean he would be a good holiday companion for you and your children.
I would never had agreed to such a holiday,

Original poster
Janus · 11/08/2016 18:15

We did actually all used to live together too for about 6 months so I did know him well a long time ago and we all got on.
I thought it would be nice for our younger kids to have a friend so I don't think it's odd. We are here for 3 weeks so it's one week out of a long holiday. Wouldn't have agreed to it if we hadn't plenty of time after to all kick back and relax.

OP posts:
Emeralda · 11/08/2016 18:21

You will be making such a difference to that girl's holiday! You've done what you can. Don't suggest anything else to him. He may be depressed or drinking too much or have forgotten how to be a hands-on dad if he doesn't spend much time with her. You can't change any of that, he has to. If enjoying the rest of your holiday means disengaging from him (not her) then so be it. And no future inclusion of him in any family stuff, because it just doesn't work. Hopefully DH (if it was him) will think twice about issuing such invitations in future, though it was a kind thought.

PovertyPain · 11/08/2016 18:29

If he doesn't get his head out if his arse, he'll lose his daughter for good. What child will want to continue visiting a father that drinks and wallows in the corner? Poor child. Sad She's very lucky to have spent time with you and your family, OP, and I'm sure she'll always remember your kindness.